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Home
and Family
Love at First Sight?
by A. Ross, M.Ed
Ever since she was a little girl playing with dolls, Aviva
had imagined herself as a Mommy with a real live baby. True
to expectations, she grew up, got married and produced her
first child. However, from the moment this squalling bundle
was placed in her arms, not only was she not filled with the
anticipated elation and ecstasy, but her feeling, incredibly,
was one of revulsion.
Was this her baby? Firstly, he was ugly, an unattractive
doll, who emitted an unpleasant wail with eyes tightly
screwed up, and a red blotchy face. A doll did not make
demands on her as this creature did. He needed her at all
times of day and night, whether she wanted to attend to him
or not. Of course she looked after him, as any mother would,
but she did not experience any of the joys of motherhood. All
the other babies were picture babies, as she had always
imagined hers would be, with round rosy dimpled cheeks and a
cherubic mouth curved in a perpetual smile. Why was just hers
such an uninviting baby, and why was she always on the verge
of tears?
Yet she could not let herself cry. She was forced to wipe
away her tears (her proud parents and grandparents too,
surreptitiously wiped away their tears of joy), and
participate in the general celebration. She was deeply
envious of the other mothers who boasted to all and sundry
about their babies' prowess. How sweet they were, how cute,
how obviously bright and advanced they were. She knew she was
different, but she did not know why.
Slowly, but surely, things began to change, Aviva did not
know exactly when. When Baby was about four months old, he
kicked his chubby little legs in excitement when he saw her.
His infectious chuckle prompted her to smile and even laugh
in return. "What a gorgeous baby!" she suddenly said to
herself. "The best one in the world. Why on earth have I only
just noticed?"
The following year, a second baby was born: then in rather
quick succession she had a third, fourth and fifth child.
Each time history repeated itself. She looked after the
babies mechanically, doing what was required of her, but
there was no bonding, no spontaneous love till the babies
responded to her with affection. Each time she was
disappointed in the G-d-given gift, and felt different from
the other mothers. What was wrong with her? Other mothers
were delighted to devote their days and nights to the
helpless dependent creatures entrusted to them, whereas to
her it was just a chore. No, it was not always a chore, but
she would have liked to enjoy her meals without interruption,
and she did not like being woken up several times each
night.
Her sense of humor saved the day. When she had the next baby,
she remarked to a couple of friends who came to visit, "Do
you know anyone who would like this child for a few months,
till he becomes human? I'll have him back when he is about
four months old." They laughed together, but later that week,
one of the friends returned. This friend was already a
grandmother, yet a close friend despite the age difference.
"You meant what you said the other day, didn't you? I, too,
felt like that when I had my children, and never admitted it
to a soul. I always felt like a freak. Even now, I would not
like my children to know how unloving I was. Fifteen years
ago, I took a course in pre-natal coaching, and saw my
customers through labor and childbirth. I have since met many
mothers and discovered that my feelings were not unique.
"Rabbi Dessler always stressed that the more one gives, the
more one loves the recipient. This seeming paradox is easy to
prove. After a few months of getting up at night, night after
night, of interrupting your whole routine for this selfish,
self-centered little being, mothers worship the little tyrant
with a fierce visceral love. When they first set eyes on the
newborn, many mothers are disappointed. Picture babies are
never newborn. They are at least a month old, when they have
developed a little. Some mothers do not think too deeply
about the change in their lives. They accept the difficulties
and enjoy looking after the treasure they have carried around
inside them for nine months. Notice that I said
'difficulties.' Babies are not always easy, but they are not
usually problems. Difficulties pass spontaneously, as you
yourself have noticed. Aviva. Instead of feeling like a
martyr, why don't you go to a mother's group in your area
where mothers discuss their feelings openly?" With these
parting words of advice, Aviva's friend left.
Although it was her sixth child, Aviva joined a self-help
group, and was amazed at the young mothers she met there. She
found that they were inexperienced and helpless. They felt
inadequate when confronted with the total dependence of this
little person. Some expressed guilt at their lack of love
towards the infant. Others described their nervousness about
bathing the baby and even about holding him in the correct
way. There were mothers who were positively exhausted from
lack of sleep. As a result, they were snappy and short-
tempered with their husbands, and did not particularly love
the cause of this lack of sleep. Many of the young mothers
were bothered by the lack of feedback. They complained that
they gave the baby everything and he just demanded more and
more, with never an acknowledgement of gratitude.
The group counselor spoke to the women as a group and then to
each one individually. She calmed them, gave them good
practical advice and above all, assured them that they were
perfectly normal, healthy mothers. She guaranteed, with full
conviction, that by the third session, they would all feel
differently about their babies. Aviva left the meeting with a
feeling of satisfaction. No longer was she different: she had
heard that hers was quite a common complaint. She had also
heard something which she knew was bound to come true. She
would love this baby with the same intensity with which she
loved her other children.
Although she had learned the reason that women had to bring a
sin offering after childbirth, when she was a girl, the fact
did not mean anything to her. The group counselor had been a
mine of information and full of common sense. Aviva's sixth
child received the same care as the others had done, but far
more love in the early weeks. She would try to curb her
negative thoughts, count her blessings and she would remember
her friend's advice. Difficulties pass.
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