Dei'ah veDibur - Information & Insight

A Window into the Chareidi World

1 Adar II 5763 - March 5, 2003 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly









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Shema Yisrael Torah Network
Shema Yisrael Torah Network











Home and Family

Spotlight On Shidduchim
by LMW

Shidduchim are sometimes a result of a surprising turn of events. We are waiting for a very specific shidduch and the One Above redirects our thoughts and sends us along another path.

Karen was a typical Israeli girl from a nice middle class home. At eighteen, she was anxious but excited about enlisting in the Israeli army. As time went on, the disappointment with army life and her disillusionment about many accepted Israeli norms accelerated. Little by little, she warmed up to changing her lifestyle. She was introduced to Yiddishkeit and had great aspirations for building a Torah home.

After her discharge from the army, she set out to work and to learn more about her heritage, hoping to meet Mr. Right. But days turned into months and years and there was no one on the horizon. A friend suggested she discuss the matter with Maran HaRav Shach zt'l. Trembling with excitement, she described her situation and waited for the Rosh Yeshiva's blessing.

R' Shach explained to her that he did not think she would find the 100% Torah-round-the-clock bochur she was looking for. Rather, she should redirect her efforts into looking for a true Ben Torah with Torah ideals who was involved part time with learning and part time with working. Noting her great disappointment, he continued and blessed her that her sons would be outstanding Torah scholars.

And so it was. Today, years after this episode, Karen's sons learn in top Israeli yeshivos and are outstanding bnei Torah who reflect the great ideals of their parents.


Esther was an American young woman who ended twenty years of a childless marriage with a divorce. Subsequently, she met and married Chaim (not their real names), a widower with eight children, tots to teens. She devoted herself to her new family and was blessed, at the age of 43, with a healthy baby who lit up their life.

Although her husband was already a grandfather, the baby was a firstborn to his mother, and at the pidyon haben, emotions ran high. Not a dry eye was to be seen!


Anna was a sincere baalas tshuva from Russia. Her dream was to marry a true talmid chochom and raise a Torah family. Although she had always envisioned marrying a boy from a similar background, when Rabbi S., a widower, was suggested, she gave it much thought and chose to become the wife of an Israeli Rav with a house full of children.

Anna gave her new family her all. In fact, her new `son' was overheard sharing the following thought in the schoolyard with another, orphaned, friend. "Tell your father to get married. It's so good to have a mother in the house, again!"

Subsequently, she and her new husband were privileged to raise their own newborn bechor in the midst of a thriving blended family.


Kaila had gone through a broken engagement and felt that she needed a change of scenery. She uprooted from Israel to the U.S. where she became a feared but beloved high school teacher of Hebrew language and grammar. All of her spare time was invested in lesson preparation, and chessed activities. She ran the school's extra-curricular activities with efficiency and full dedication.

Years passed and matches were sought but not found. Kaila insisted on one thing: "No children, please." Hashem heard her request. At the age of 50, she married an Israeli rabbi whose children were all married and independent. Her husband was a veteran maggid shiur in an Israeli yeshiva and his new wife stood loyally at his side, back in her native Israel. The only children she had to contend with were her new grandchildren. Sometimes our wishes are fulfilled -- in an unexpected way.


Rabbi Yitzchok Zilberstein of Bnei Brak explains that when a girl has been in shidduchim a while and choses a mate quite different from what she had imagined at 18, it is not that she has compromised because of her age. Rather, she is marrying the person who was destined for her. It may have taken a while and many turn of events for the couple to be ready to get married.

Though we exercise our Free Will and choose to marry or not, only Hashem knows the secret.


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