What an old-fashioned idea!
Amongst the thousands of books, pamphlets, and articles
written about the education of children, it is not often that
one sees anyone advocating the use of the title sentence.
Most of the above adhere to the principles of reasoning with
the child, explaining to him and giving him his freedom.
Anything but laying down the law.
Every family has its own rules and regulations, and parents
not only have a right to demand obedience, it is their
responsibility to do so, and to teach the children the Fifth
Commandment.
When you and your husband discuss a particular regulation or
principle which you feel is important, do not worry about the
neighbors. Actually, the only hard and fast rules are the
ones laid down by the Torah. The ones you decide for
yourselves are right for your own family. There will always
be someone who says you are doing the wrong thing, in the
same way as there will be some who applaud your handling of
the children.
Some families allow their children to go around barefoot; in
other families, this is a crime. Some let their children stay
up till all hours while others fix a set time. Some expect
the older children to clear the table after meals and wash
the dishes; others do it themselves. You might expect anyone
under the age of nine to ask someone to take them over the
road. But perhaps Yankele, your friend, is allowed to cross
by himself and you are not. (It never harms to tell them that
they are too precious, although they will not appreciate that
at all during an argument.) All small, seemingly trivial
rules. However, if this is important to you, then those will
be the rules of the house.
HOPING your children will listen is completely different from
EXPECTING them to listen. "I think it's time for bed, now,"
is hoping for obedience, as is, "Do you think you could do
the dishes?" You do not have to feel guilty if you expect
obedience from the children. One can change the tone and the
vocabulary slightly, and amazingly, it does work.
"Five more minutes, then into bed." "Will you please do the
dishes for me? Thank you very much."
How often does the following happen to all of us?
"It's time for bed." The child says, "Why?" "Because it's
late." Child: "It's not late, yet. Yankele goes at 9:00."
"Well, you have to go at 7:30." Child: "Why?" "Because you'll
be tired in the morning." Child: "No, I won't be tired." And
so on, and on.
If after the first "Why?" you say, "Because I said so," that
is the end of the argument. This does not mean to say that
you use the phrase at all times, in diverse situations. It
just means that you need not feel guilty to use it as a means
of stopping all the delaying tactics. When a child is two, he
asks, "Why?" all day, but older children's `why' is not so
much that they want an explanation as that they are using it
as a bargaining chip.
How many times do you say the same thing over and over again?
Children know exactly how long they can disobey before Mommy
really means it, so they don't listen the first six times.
E.g. "Go and get undressed." "Motty, I said `go and get
undressed'." "Motty, I'm talking to you: Go and get
undressed..." etc. There is no need for this at all.
"Motty, go and get undressed NOW and then come back
downstairs," will do very well for the first time.
Giving in occasionally is not a sign of weakness. A mother is
a parent and not a despot in the house. If a child asks
reasonably, "I've finished my homework and I know it's
bedtime, but I want to go and ride my bike outside," you can
break the rules occasionally. Nothing is going to happen if
you praise him for asking nicely and lend him a watch if he
doesn't have one, telling him to come in half an hour. You
are showing him that you trust him and that he is also
capable of making decisions.
When giving instructions which you expect to be obeyed, make
quite sure that the child understands what is expected of
him. If you say to a child, "Clean up your room," he might
feel that as long as everything is pushed under the bed out
of sight, he has obeyed. If you say, "I want you to hang up
your clothes, put the dirty ones in the laundry hamper and
pick up all the toys and put them where they belong," the
child knows exactly where he stands.
But what about the contrary children, who were mentioned in a
previous article? Furthermore, what about those children who
kick and scream as soon as they are thwarted in any way, when
it is much simpler to give in than to have a confrontation?
If you hold the child tight in a great bear hug so that he
can't kick, when he is very small, you are showing him that
you love him very much but that he is not the one to rule the
house. If you give in to these tantrums because it is more
peaceful this way, just visualize the future when the little
tyrant becomes a big tyrant. Moreover, you are doing them a
great disservice when giving in to them habitually. These
children turn into adults and may have a very shaky marriage
because they have never learned to give in. They have always
had their own way.
As usual, one cannot generalize. There are some children who
respond badly to, "Because I said so." "Can I have an ice
cream?" "No." "Why not?" "Because I said so," is not a good
idea for these children. As mentioned before, it is not a
phrase that should be used too often, although on occasion
you should not be afraid of using it. However, with these
stubborn, or rather, strong-willed children, other tactics
work better.
If you have to refuse their demand, do it in four
stages. First repeat their request, showing that you have
understood and want to please. Second, say `No' in a firm,
but non-aggressive tone. Thirdly, explain why not, and
lastly, suggest an alternative.
Let us take the example of the ice cream. "So you want an ice
cream. I'm sorry, but not now because I bought them for
Shabbos. Would you like an ice pop or an apple?" One doesn't
always have to give a reason, but sometimes it is wiser to do
so. If the child nags and screams after that, it is fatal to
give in.
Children learn very quickly. `Stubborn' has rather negative
connotations, but strong-willed, or determined, are
synonymous adjectives. Children with these traits grow up
into outstanding adults if they have been educated in the
right way. It is not too late to change, if you feel that you
have let the children control the house.
It will be far more difficult with teenage children, if, for
instance, they have been allowed to buy their own clothes and
you realize with dismay that they are a far cry from what
they should be wearing. However angry you may be inside, you
are more likely to be in authority if you swallow your anger.
Above all, show them that they are loved at all times. For
those who appreciate physical contact, a hug or a kiss, or
even just a touch in passing, helps. It depends on the age of
the child. However close the relationship is between parents
and children, they are not `friends', as such. There should
be a modicum of respect.
