Part II
Many children become victims of serious teasing at one
time or another during their childhood. Some children are
affected more deeply by teasing than others and often, as a
result of their sensitivities, they may be more prone to
become scapegoats. In Part I we discussed Speaking to the
Teacher and Building Self Esteem.
Teach him to avoid retaliation
Discuss the repercussions of retaliating to the insults and
misdeeds of others with your child. Some of these include the
prohibition against causing distress through speech
(ono'as dvorim), of harboring a grudge, and other
forms of forbidden speech which often result from verbal
disputes. Others include prolonged discomfort and dispute
with the other party and even creating long lasting
adversaries. A child who retaliates may often incur the
disrespect of his peers and may spend a lot of time losing
privileges and hearing rebuke from teachers and the
principal.
Have your child avoid retaliation by practicing appropriate
self-talk and verbal response. In a relaxed moment, ask your
child to list as many teasing incidents as he can remember
(without using names) and write them on slips of paper. Take
turns choosing a slip of paper and acting out positive coping
thoughts and appropriate verbal response. Give your child the
option of using a prepared thought bubble or a pair of
sunglasses for the coping thoughts. If he is having
difficulty finding appropriate thoughts, ask him to put
himself in the other guy's shoes. Give him a pair of big
shoes and ask him to try to think of reasons the other child
may be teasing him by pretending to be the teaser and
expressing his thoughts. Then have the child go back to his
own shoes and model coping self statements and an appropriate
verbal reaction to the teasing.
Consider the following example: Chaya chooses a slip that
says, "A girl says your dress is ugly." Chaya's mother holds
the thought bubble above her head. Chaya responds by saying
that she would think, "YOUR dress is ugly." This is an
accurate representation of Chaya's first thought so her
mother asks her to pretend to be the other girl and get into
her shoes. Chaya does and pretending to be the other girl,
she thinks to herself, "She has so many dresses and I only
have two. It's not fair."
Chaya now understands the other girl a little better and
feels a little calmer. She goes back to role playing herself
and using the thought bubble, she says, "Maybe she's jealous.
I don't have to get upset and hurt her back. It's not worth
it." She then chooses to respond by saying, "I like my
dress." She acts out this response and walks away from the
confrontation. Chaya gets three game points, one each for
understanding the other person, thinking positive self
statements and for an appropriate response. You may choose to
award game points in any way that you and your child like.
Avoid Victim Characteristics
There are several characteristics which tend to perpetuate
victim status. Many of these characteristics are non- verbal.
Facial victim characteristics include: fearful, timid, shy or
sad expressions. Body language may include: limp arms and
drooped shoulders, shaking bowed head or looking at the
ground. Model the victim characteristics for your child. Play
the role play game as described above but add points for
assertive verbal and nonverbal expression. Examples of
assertive nonverbal expression would include: making eye
contact, standing up straight and using self statements that
are self affirming such as, "I am not afraid" or "I
daven hard and I try my best to do chessed. I
am important to Hashem."
When your turn comes, try to model self statements that will
help your child present himself as self confident and
responses which show assertion when necessary. If a child is
constantly being told he is stupid, he can be told to
respond, "I am NOT stupid."
With practice and encouragement, your child can learn more
appropriate responses to teasing, avoid provocation and
become less sensitized to the negative words of others.
Masha Wolf, M.A. 02-656-2172.
