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Home and Family
PARENTING WITH MENUCHA
How to Love Your Kids Without Spoiling Them

by Menucha Fuchs
Parenting expert, writer of adult and children's books, fiction and non-fiction, guidance counselor

Rarely will you find adults who will thank their parents for having spoiled them...

Most adults who are insecure and need constant support are people who were spoiled as children. Spoiled kids grow up to be adults with weak characters. This is a necessary cause-and- effect. Spoiled children start out as spoiled babies who are indulged by everyone in the house. From Day One, the baby is used to getting everything he could possibly want.

Of course, every baby is helpless and dependent at first and this is only natural, but there is a basic difference between giving a helpless baby what he needs and fulfilling his every desire. A baby learns very quickly that he can take advantage of those around him, and if we acquiesce to his demands, he will act accordingly. He'll ask for more than what he needs and for much more than we can give him.

As time goes on, the cute baby who asked for toys and sweets will turn into a demanding child who won't be satisfied with small things any more. He won't let up until he receives a battery-driven child-size car or an enormous garage for his motor collection. When he grows up, he'll ask for a state-of- the-art computer and later on, he'll want a real car -- plus a driver's license, of course. There's no limit to the demands of a spoiled child. Therefore, it is important from the very start to prevent the situation from deteriorating and to check whether we are being too indulgent with our children. If so, we can change our approach to parenting. The question is how can this be done? How can we bring children up without spoiling them?

1. Love instead of indulgence

A growing baby needs care. We must, of course, nurture him and give him a lot of warmth. How? Not by spoiling him, but by giving him a great deal of love, legitimate attention and affection. There should be no bounds to our love for our child. As soon as the baby feels loved, he won't need all the external trappings as proof of our affection.

2. Spoiling is bribery!

One of the problems of our generation is the meaningless race after material possessions. The world is advancing and in order not to lag behind, we run after it, only to find at the end that it's all transitory, and that we haven't accomplished anything. Many parents neglect to give children the attention they need because of lack of time. Unlike in other areas where the results are almost immediately visible, such as feeding the child and watching him develop physically, or helping him with his lessons and seeing him succeed in school, and getting compliments from those around him, the love we give a child does not give immediate results. Even for the future, there is no promise of success. No one can assure us that if we love our child today, he will return our love doubly in the future. Or that if we love him, he'll obey us. We can never measure with a ruler the effects of our love. But even if we don't see the results of our affection now, we know that deep inside, the child has surely been affected.

Unlike love (which is sowing for the future), spoiling and indulgence is a type of bribery for the child. Selfishly, we're not interested in taking out time from our busy schedule, so instead, we give him presents. But, no, he won't `buy' this. Children expect something much deeper than that.

3. Don't give in to demands

The more we give in to children's demands, the more we reinforce the idea that they are entitled to everything, and if this is so, how could we possibly say `no' to them when it is necessary? "No, that's enough!" Parents of spoiled children have trouble explaining to them why yesterday they got what they wanted and today they can't have it. What has suddenly changed? They continue giving him what he demands since they interpret this as loving the child. If they would exchange this endless spoiling for real love and quality attention, the child would respect them for it. A loving parent won't give endlessly to his child, but will invest meaningful time to teach him how to do things so that he can manage in life and fit into society later on.

On the contrary, when parents do things for a child, he becomes dependent upon them and will stay helpless even later on in life. A loving parent will teach his child skills, but not leave him completely on his own. He'll stay in the vicinity, he'll check to see if the child needs any help and what is the minimum he needs to receive. Accordingly, the parent will also know what to give and what to demand from the child. The child who is not used to being indulged won't feel he has any claim to more than what he receives, and will not be resentful towards his parents.

4. Teaching children to give

A loving parent needs to know that the most important form of giving is to enable others to give also. A child has to learn that he is responsible for his own happiness and success. He has to use the resources his parents gave him for his own good and for his relationship to others.

It is difficult to find adults who will thank their parents for having spoiled them. In general, as adults, people who were spoiled have considerable difficulty getting used to a new framework based on giving to others and acting independently, which they never practiced as children. On the other hand, many adults are grateful to their parents for having taught them to give and to gain experience on their own.

TIPS

* The opposite of indulgence is responsibility and independence.

* It is very important not to run and solve every small problem for the child. Let him work them out for himself.

* You can take `time out' and indulge your child for a short period at any stage in life, as long as he understands that when the `game' is over, life goes back to normal. There are times when children need an extra measure of T.L.C. (tender- loving-care).

* Children know that not everything is theirs by right. But they will keep trying to see if we are also aware of this. A spoiled child can be saved by using humor. My father used this tactic often when a child would fall lightly and cry as if he had broken all his bones -- "Come here, sweetie," he would say jokingly, "and I'll pick you up."

 

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