1. How do you create proper, positive communication between
people?
When you respect both yourself and the person with whom you
are sharing a conversation. When you speak without being
arrogant. When you are open enough and do not try to
whitewash your remarks or get carried away. When you are
reasonable and considerate while maintaining a dignified,
steady tone and never grovel or evade. Look your fellow
conversationalist in the eye and have faith in your ability
to express yourself, as well as in his ability to understand
you. When you do not burst out in anger or have such a short
fuse that others cannot say what they want to tell you, then
you can achieve positive interpersonal communication.
2. How do you know when to talk and when to keep quiet?
When you are unsure of what you want to say, even when your
comments are relevant, it is best to keep quiet. As Chazal
tell us, Seyog lechochmoh shetikoh. Teach yourself to
speak only when your remarks are of value and are not
irritating, superfluous or boring.
Listen carefully to your fellow conversationalist. Let him
finish what he is saying, and don't be so sure you have to
reply. If you have decided to respond, do so only once you
know you have something to contribute to the conversation.
You must conclude the conversation as soon as the other
person shows a desire to do so. It's best to conclude a
moment earlier.
3. How do you conduct a conversation with a shy or
introverted person?
Running a conversation is an art form. Unlike "holding a
conversation" between two people exchanging ideas freely,
"running a conversation" means one side takes charge of the
exchange. He is responsible for navigating, leading,
directing, shortening or lengthening. To do so, he should
outline the objectives of the conversation in advance by
preparing the central points, while maintaining the ability
to improvise to keep the conversation lively and
appealing.
When the conversation is with someone who is quiet and
introverted, or a talk with a child about a certain problem,
running the conversation can be a real challenge. If he walls
himself in, your task is to find the cracks in the wall and
make your way in. Try starting with topics that are easy to
talk about: technical questions about the person's age,
family and place of residence, studies, friends or hobbies
and interests.
Via these cracks you may be able to gain access into his
inner being. Before you even notice it you may already be
there, traipsing through the chambers of his heart with full
consent or even eagerness, getting him to talk amiably. At
this point you have already gone well beyond running the
conversation and are simply helping your fellow man.
4. How do you make someone feel good during a
conversation?
To encourage your fellow conversationalist to open up, you
must create a feeling of trust and give him a good reason to
open his heart. People do not expose their emotions unless
they feel comfortable doing so and believe the listener will
respect their feelings or even share in their suffering or
joy.
How do you accomplish this? By listening and showing an
interest. Listening is an art. If you think you listen with
your ears, you are wrong. Listening is done with the whole
body and soul. You must be fully alert, eyes wide, responding
with your head or body to what you hear. Feel his anger,
laugh with him, share his inner struggle, take pleasure in
the conversation, be impressed, disagree at times and try to
understand. Good conversationalists manage to form a real
connection, become friends, to soothe and to be fatherly
without condescension, but rather sympathy and
earnestness.
5. How do you connect to someone with whom you do not yet
have anything in common?
The initial conversation with a person you have never met
before should not be threatening but at the same time should
not lower you in his eyes. This is a fine line and one who
does not know how to walk it is perceived as condescending or
annoying. If you are too nice, he may mock you or lose
interest. If you remain at a distance you will appear to be
haughty and he will be afraid of you. In some societies the
congenial approach is accepted practice, while other
societies maintain a distance that makes it difficult for
both sides: two neighbors may never greet one another
although there is no dispute between them.
More people suffer in the latter case, but when one gives
himself openly within setting any limits, generally he will
suffer from a loss of influence.
One who succeeds in combining these two paths, maintaining
his dignity and character without being afraid to be warm and
convivial, will be a great success in interpersonal
communication.
It seems to me that a person's self-image carries much
weight. One who has a positive self-image can afford to be
nice to others without worrying that his personality or image
will suffer harm.
6. How do you renew weakened relations?
If you feel your ties with someone have atrophied and that
the other person has drifted away, you must talk the matter
over to ensure [at least to yourself] that the distance is
because of him and not a communication breakdown in which
both sides think the other person is the one creating the
distance.
Once you have ascertained that the other person really is
distancing himself, you should make it clear to him that it
makes you unhappy and, if this does not help, let him
continue to drift away. Some people need to create a certain
distance periodically in order to renew the friendship. Even
if the person drifts away for good, there is nothing to be
gained from a one- sided relationship, and it is inadvisable
to chase after someone indefinitely.
It is perfectly reasonable that in every relationship one
side contributes more and is more interested in maintaining
the relationship, but the other side still has to show some
sort of interest. The moment this is lacking and you have
verified the matter thoroughly, stop the chase. This is the
only opportunity for the pursued to sense what he stands to
lose.
7. How do you deal with embarrassment, fear, hesitancy,
humiliation and other emotions?
Once upon a time someone approached a centipede and asked how
he managed to coordinate his fifty pairs of legs. The moment
he heard the question the centipede was overcome with
confusion and unable to take another step.
There are two emotions for which the best way to deal with
them is to not to think about them: fear and embarrassment.
If you ask your friend, "Why are you blushing?" he will
blush, even if he has no reason. We cope with our fears by
not thinking about them or, as my father says (paraphrasing
FDR), the only thing to fear is fear itself. The less you
think about stammering and blushing, the less they will
occur.
And if they do happen? Don't let them defeat you. Sometimes
embarrassment and blushing can be endearing by giving color
(in both senses) to your personality. Bouts of embarrassment
and stammering can do no harm to one who embraces them and is
not constantly afraid they will strike.
8. How do you overcome stage fright?
Speaking before an audience is a subject for an article of
its own. It can be accomplished only after you have adopted
and internalized the guidelines for interpersonal
communication and, after acquiring considerable self-
confidence over time as your number of listeners increases,
are ready to apply them on a wider scale.
Speaking to two people already falls under the category of
speaking before an audience. If you survived this and
overcame your stage fright, all you have to do is increase
the numbers of listeners and eventually you will find
yourself delivering speeches to thousands without feeling any
difference. In fact, speaking before a large audience can be
very empowering.
