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21 Cheshvan 5762 - November 7, 2001 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Home and Family
PARENTING WITH MENUCHA
Beware: Private Area!

by Menucha Fuchs
Noted author of numerous children's and adult books, parenting expert, guidance counselor

Part of our lives is dedicated to personal matters. There are things we do for ourselves privately without fanfare, and without including others. Most people need privacy, especially fathers coming home from work, mothers busy all day with their children and children who spend at least half a day learning in noisy, overcrowded classrooms. How can we help our children in protecting their privacy?

The Need for Privacy

A child comes home tired, worn out from the day's learning. He can't wait to get to his own little house where he can finally have some time for himself and forget about the noise and hullabaloo around him. He walks in through the door and his wonderful, caring mother greets him with a barrage of questions:

How are you? How was school today? Did you eat your snack? What did you learn? How much homework do you have? Why don't you say anything? Why aren't you eating?

That's just for starters until his father comes in: What did you learn today? Did you understand the material? Come, let's go over tomorrow's lesson.

The child who was waiting for a few moments of quiet and privacy feels he's gone from bad to worse. He couldn't wait to get away from school and now, here in his own home, he can't have a moment to himself. He has no way to `unwind.'

What should parents do? How should we greet our children without infringing on their privacy?

It is important to remember that when our child walks in tired and exhausted from a day at school, we should refrain from questioning him. If he doesn't feel like opening a book to do his homework, we should put it off until later. But of course, if he wants to talk and tell us all about his day, we'll listen attentively.

There are children who feel good with their siblings around them talking to them and there are others who feel at home only when they can curl up on their bed with a book. Let's give each child a chance to choose what suits him without interfering. If a child wants to be alone, let's respect his choice. He'll thank us for it and for the quiet moment he can finally enjoy.

Each child has the right to choose what he wants to do according to his nature, so long as it doesn't interfere with the harmony of the home.

Personal Secrets

A child's secrets are his own personal business. Only he may decide whether or not to reveal what is on his mind. Let's leave it up to him and respect his private feelings. For if we pressure a child to reveal to us what he would rather keep to himself, he will become more closed up, or end up by telling us something which is untrue, or partially so. When we let a child keep his secrets, he becomes trustful of his surroundings and more ready to let others in on his personal feelings. Remember: a child's secrets belong to him and no one, including his parents or older siblings, have any right to them.

Private Drawer

Every child has personal possessions and every child, even in families with many children, needs his own personal space or drawer to put his things away. Although some children don't care too much about that and wouldn't mind giving it up in exchange for some special marbles, others find a personal drawer indispensible for their personal items. They'll rearrange it several times a day and use it to put away their prized possessions.

Personal Diary

Some children like to keep a diary. Why? A diary will keep their secrets and ideas without interfering and without being judgmental in any way. A diary is a true friend. It helps the child be open about his feelings and to release pent up tension. Children who have no way of releasing tension in a positive manner often end up releasing it in a negative way, which is even worse.

We must be careful to respect the child's diary and not treat it disrespectfully, and we must certainly not read it!

If we can learn to respect the child's private time, his personal belongings, his diary and his secrets, he will also respect our privacy. It's all a matter of mutual understanding.

TIPS

* Every person has a private dream. We don't necessarily have to fulfill a child's desires but it's good to know what the child's dreams are and maybe, some day, we will be able to fulfill them.

* Private conversations are most important to our children. Let's find time to speak to them; let us also find a way to let them know things we wouldn't want the others to hear. They'll be grateful to us for our discretion.

* Children should respect each other's property, and parents must make sure that this is carried out. They should prevent children from touching things that don't belong to them, especially when the owner of the object is not at home.

* A child's personal property is his and if he doesn't want to let others use his things, we must respect his wishes, although we do have to teach him to be generous, to share and to give in.

* Parents as well must respect each other's privacy. A few quiet moments are especially necessary when coming home from work, and we must not invade the other's privacy in an aggressive manner as soon as they walk in.

 

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