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Home
and Family
And Rachel Became Envious . . .
Dear Rabbi Engel, We are having some problems with one of our
daughters. She is 12 years old and in the seventh grade. She
is an average student in school, although I know she could do
much better. A month ago, we bought an expensive compact disk
player for her and her 14-year-old sister to share. Last
week, as I was talking to a neighbor at the front door, there
was a sudden, loud crash. My younger daughter had
intentionally knocked down and smashed the CD player. You
cannot imagine how shocked and terrible I felt. How could she
do this? I confronted her and told her that she had no
respect for herself or anyone else. She countered with, "If I
have no respect for myself, I don't have to have respect for
anyone else." We are sending the drawing and the note that
you requested. As you advised, I watched as my daughter drew
me first, then her father, then her sister between us, and
then herself. Please help us. Sincerely,
Mr. & Mrs. Y.F.
Dear Mr. & Mrs. Y. F.: One of the most revealing means to
learn about a child's inner feelings is found in drawings of
her own family. The order in which a child draws the members
of the family, the physical size given to each figure, and
the attributes that distinguish them are all extremely
informative. A child projects likes and dislikes, as well as
wishes and fears, by the sequence, size, position, shape, and
pressure used when drawing the figures of her environment.
The same logic will apply when writing a letter to her
family. Let's call your older and younger daughters Leah and
Rachel, respectively. All of the following discussion is seen
through Rachel's perception of her surroundings. It need not
be an objective assessment of what actually transpires at
home. In order to help Rachel, we must see what her
evaluation is and, then, implement the necessary changes.
Rachel drew her mother first and as the central, dominant
figure, the focus in her life. She drew Leah between both
parents, but Rachel stands aside, alone, set apart from her
family. A tall chest of drawers fortifies the barrier between
mother and daughter. The picture conveys a "visible" block
between Rachel and her mother. She drew her mother with
folded arms, indicating she feels some sort of maternal
rejection. I am sure this is not the case and that you love
her dearly; nevertheless, this is her perception. She sees
her family as a unit, together, except for herself. Her
parents surround her older sister, whereas she is off at the
edge somewhere, isolated. Because Rachel feels her parents
dote on Leah, she has become envious of her sister. Notice
how dangling and thin Rachel's arms are in comparison to
everyone else's. Her conception of herself is as a dependent,
helpless, and insignificant individual. She feels a lack of
achievement. The capital "I" in her note is written
proportionately smaller than the rest of the text. This is an
indicator of her sense of a lack of accomplishment.
Why would she break something that jointly belongs to her and
her sister?
Sometimes people want to hurt others, although they knowingly
will hurt themselves in the process.
As Rachel said, "If I have no respect for myself, I don't
have to have respect for anyone else." Rachel's self-regard
and self-worth need to be improved. During this growth
process, try gently explaining the following concepts to
Rachel:
Hashem created man in His likeness and therefore "You shall
love your fellow man as yourself." This, said R' Akiva, is a
great principle in Torah.
From the verse of R' Akiva, we only learn that what is
hateful to you, do not do to your fellow man, whereas Ben
Azai extends that even if one is not concerned for his self-
regard, he (nevertheless) is obliged to be concerned for the
regard of his fellow man, since he sees the image of his
fellow man, whereas he does not see his own image.
Rachel does something unique in her writing. Notice that she
writes "Mommy" with heavier pressure and the word is
proportionately larger than any other word in the text. At
this sensitive time in her life, besides needing you, she
really loves you. Finally, I noticed, too, that Rachel writes
many letters shaped like musical notes. You are probably
aware that she is musically gifted. When someone believes
that she excels at something, self-respect is enhanced. Try
giving her music lessons. She will shine.
Rabbi Yoseph Engel is a marriage counselor and author
of Advice for Living (Feldheim Publishers) Graphology at
Home, Handwriting Analysis Self-Taught (Penguin Books). (02)
5807589
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