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20 Sivan 5764 - June 9, 2004 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Home and Family


Latchkey Kids
by A. Ross

It's lunch time and children come home from school or nursery, waiting for a hug and a kiss, and many, though not all, bursting to tell of their experiences of the morning. Mommy gives them a drink and a hug and within a short time, they will sit down to a meal. This is the ideal. However, in many homes, this idyllic picture is not possible. Some children first have to pick up little brothers and sisters, then return home to an empty house. In this scenario, the older child has to look after the younger ones, warm up their food in the microwave, put the little one to bed, have his own meal and sometimes be ready to return to school as soon as Mommy or Daddy comes in.

Often, this is half an hour or less; in some homes, it may be two hours or more. Are these children to be pitied? Not necessarily. Are the parents making a huge mistake in laying this responsibility on a young child? This article is going to discuss the different facts which might be to the child's advantage or disadvantage.

In Israel in particular, it is quite the norm for mothers to go out to work. They cannot always choose their working hours, so they begin to rely heavily on their older children. Most sensible mothers agree with people in authority that it is unacceptable to leave a child or children alone in the house when they are all under the age of ten. Older children can, and do take on responsbility within reason. Too much responsibility, however, and too soon can be very harmful.

If a mother goes to work and expects an older child to be surrogate mother on a regular basis, she has to feel comfortable about it. If the children feel she has a guilty conscience about leaving them alone, even if it is only for half an hour each day, there will be mayhem when she gets back. Both the children in charge and the little ones will take advantage of her in many subtle and not so subtle ways.

As in all other aspects of running the home, Mother has to be firm and consistent. She should not have to apologize for her absence. It is a fact of life which, though not ideal, apparently cannot be avoided. The onus does not have to be on only one child. An eight-year-old is quite capable of collecting the little one from kindergarten. A nine-year-old can make the baby a bottle. Some rules have to be laid down for the oldest child, too. For example, no smacking or no forcing the children to finish their meal if they don't want it.

Whether it is one-off occasion or a regular event, when parents are both out of the house, they cannot really run the show by remote control. The following is part of a one-sided conversation overheard at a wedding, where the woman was using her ubiquitous mobile phone.

"Why is Penina crying? Why is Miri not in bed yet? No, you know I don't allow coloring when I am out of the house. Call Yanky to the phone so that I can sort him out. Why haven't you done your homework yet?" This mother does not trust her children. If you can show the child that you rely on him, he will develop reliability. If you feel the child is not to be trusted, then don't attempt it in the first place.

A psychotherapist used the following analogy to make his point. A factory owner felt that his workers were not producing enough during the week and asked his manager to do something about it. The manager set to with a will. There were sanctions for latecomers and a bonus for excellent work. Within a short while, production had soared and the workers were content. Then the owner came on the scene and showed displeasure at the measures used. The manager began to look for another job, as he felt he could not work under such conditions, and the workers did not know from whom to take their orders.

Emergencies occur in every home at some time or other. If children have to get the key from a neighbor and look after themselves, turn a blind eye when you get home if things are not to your liking. On the whole, children usually turn up trumps in a crisis, when they are left alone.

It might happen that a fourteen-year-old girl, oldest in the family, has been given a great deal of responsibility for several years, and is now too busy with school work to do as much. The eleven-year-old sister takes over many of her duties and responsibilities but is not quite as efficient as her older sister.

Mother has forgotten what the fourteen-year-old was like three years ago. She can either break the second daughter by criticizing her and comparing her to the older sister, or she can build her confidence and esteem by praising her efforts and telling her how wonderful it is to be able to rely on her, to be able to come home to peaceful happy children (even if this is not always the case).

It is a good idea to teach children to sort out their own problems. Two or more children are squabbling over a book. Instead of solving the dilemma for them, tell them they have five minutes in which to discuss how to give everyone a turn to read it. No `buts;' they must come to an amicable decision.

If children are used to this sort of democracy, they will use it when parents are not around as well. If the child in charge has become too bossy, or is really showing unacceptable behavior when the parents are out, you have to speak to him privately, far away from listening ears. There has to be mutual respect. If you undermine his authority in front of the little ones, you cannot expect them to listen to him when you are out. If parents speak respectfully to each other and to the children, this sets the tone for the family. If they do not, then all the theories in the world will not help.

Finally, if you feel that a child is resentful about having to collect someone from kindergarten and looking after little ones on a regular basis, it is worth discussing the subject with him/her, to see which particular aspect of the responsibility is too onerous. After all, s/he is tired, too, after a stint as school, as you are when you come home from work. So don't take the child for granted, and keep on praising and expressing your appreciation.

 

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