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10 Adar I 5763 - February 12, 2003 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Home and Family


Queen
by A. Ross, M.Ed.

In many classes there is a leader, the most popular girl or boy, the one who heads the `inner circle,' the one to whom they all flock and want her for their friend. Often the adoration is quite unreasonable, but if a parent suggests to her daughter who arrived home in a terrible mood because Dassy didn't even glance in her direction that day, that there are other girls in the class, the daughter wails and says, "But you don't understand..."

In Israel she is called malkat hakita, the Class Queen, but neither in America nor in Europe is she labeled like this, although the phenomenon definitely exists.

What is this charisma which surrounds these young leaders? Is it inborn, inbred, or a result of external circumstances, like, for instance, an affluent home or an important influential public parent figure?

There are two kinds of class leaders: one type deserves her title, and lives up to it. Notwithstanding that she is full of confidence, she does not throw her weight about. She befriends everyone, although she may allow herself the luxury of a best friend, besides which she is an excellent student, blessed with a sharp mind. Moreover, she is always ready to help a weaker student. No wonder her classmates adore her...

The leaders who cause trouble are either physically bigger and stronger than their peers, or have a lot of money with which to `buy' friends, or perhaps just attract others by their dominant personality. Children vie with each other to be her friend and will copy her hair style and the way she dresses, and as is usually the case with this type of class queen, both hairstyle and clothes are far from suitable. This girl will have her close coterie of girls who fawn on her and flatter her, but she will also have a scapegoat or two whom she will bully, since part of this person' nature is that she must have others subservient to her who recognize her power.

The more a parent tries to separate her daughter from this girl, the more the daughter will be drawn to her. Until one day this daughter, one of the favored inner circle, herself, becomes the victim. The unfortunate girl might have contradicted her idol at some point, or not agreed with a particular suggestion. The erstwhile friend will make quite sure that she suffers for it. Girls do not usually beat each other up, but there are worse ways to make a person miserable: giving a nasty nickname, making snide remarks, passing notes to each other, making sure to snigger, keep glancing at the unfortunate victim or using body language to somehow make her feel targeted and uncomfortable.

There are mothers who are proud of the fact that their daughter is leader of the class. Not only leader academically, but socially. If the girl is of the first type, they have every reason to be proud of her. However, the term `class queen' usually has negative undertones. If I were told that my daughter was one, I would not be too happy about it.

A young girl mentioned recently that a certain `queen of the class' was leaving to go to another school. She was delighted at the thought, and had visions of taking her place in the social hierarchy. This particularly nice girl, although a good student, did not have the makings of a leader. Still, dreams are pleasant, even if they are not realized.

How is a parent to deal with her daughter who is so anxious to be the leader's friend and be a part of the inner clique, yet gets snubbed day after day? Or even worse, gets bullied verbally?

Firstly, parents might empathize. The girl must be sure her mother and/or father understands and sympathizes. Fathers are often a great help in this situation, by asking what she admires in her heroine, and somehow making the girl see how ridiculous the situation is. If the girl can be induced to tell him that there are other girls in the class who are desperate for the Queen's attention, perhaps he could ask her if there was one amongst them whom she liked or admired, and for what reason. Encourage the girl to talk about her woes (most won't need much encouragement!) and in this way, she may in time come to the conclusion herself that there are other fish in the sea.

What about the girl who is so besotted by the leader, and is indeed part of the innr circle of friends, that she is copying all of her negative qualities? Once again, a father can be a great help in the situation. It is difficult to forbid a child to have contact with another, although with younger children it sometimes works. But a parent can state categorically that s/he does not allow this kind of hairdo, or those clothes which the girl bought without supervision, in his house. She will probably obey, if the parents have had a good relationship up till now, but what will she do outside the house? Hopefully, time and her own common sense will dull the hero worship.

Teachers know about such girls but are often quite powerless to do much about it, aside from changing seats in the classroom to mitigate their influence. These girls are powerful and popular, and can make the teacher's life a misery. The principal may have to be involved and also other teachers who have contact with the class. Together they might think of ways of dealing with this undesirable phenomenon.

In the end, our constant repeated prayers, coupled with watchful awareness, are the best safeguard for our precious children.

 

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