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Could you Please Reframe That?
by KSR

To his teacher he is a wild nuisance. To me, he is a vivacious joy.

To her brother she is a whiny pest. To me, she is an expressive orator.

To me, it is a deafening racket. To my children, it is a melodious tune.

The famous story is brought down of the tzaddik who was walking together with some other talmidei chachamim, when they came upon a dog's carcass. The companions expressed revulsion. The tzaddik commented, "But how white are his teeth."

We all have eyes that physically see in the same way. Maybe one person is a little more near-sighted, another far- sighted. But basically when two people view a situation, they see the same physical structures. So why is it that we all view things so differently?

The distinction takes place in the inner eye, the way the brain processes what the eyes have seen. Using previous experience, observations of others in similar situations, and personal inclination, we come up with a picture in our mind of what we are viewing, basically our interpretation of what we saw. If we have had positive experiences in this situation, have seen others handle this circumstance well, and/or have an easy-going nature, then regarding our state of affairs in a positive light will come easily.

But for others, who have not dealt well with this situation before, have seen others react negatively in such circumstances, and have a more anxious personality, viewing the condition as negative comes extremely naturally.

What about those of us who are a mixture of the above personalities, or even fit more into the second category? Do we have any hope (as my dear aunt used to sing) to "accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, hold on to the affirmative, don't mess around with Mr. In-Between"?

Modern psychology has coined a term for the tool that tzaddik looking at the dog's white teeth used many years ago: reframing. It is, as the word itself implies, taking a picture, removing its dusty, old, overly familiar frame and replacing it with a shiny, sparkling, cheerful frame. Suddenly, the whole picture looks different. We may even wonder if it is actually the same picture that was in the previous frame. Why did I never notice those soft waves, or the brilliant sunset in that picture? The shimmering new frame brings out the best in that old picture.

We too have the tools to reframe, even if we don't own a frame shop. In Rav Zelig Pliskin's books, he delineates many means to viewing life more positively. Here are a few of them:

One reframe that many find useful is finding something good that will result from the situation. For example, a family made plans to make a picnic outing at the new playground a few blocks away. The mother has arranged her whole day around this plan. She did all of her chores in the morning, cleaned the house, and made sandwiches to take along. The children told their friends in school, and the baby even took an extra-long nap, eliminating the need for her afternoon nap. Just as they were about to step outside, the sky turned black, opened up, and poured buckets. All plans down the drain.

The children start pouting and then fighting with each other. The mother sighs deeply and feels her pulse accelerating, as 2-year-old Shmuely climbs onto the table and leaps into the air. Then she stops herself and thinks, "What good can come out of this?" Well, one thing is that her house is clean, sandwiches are made, no work to do this afternoon. What a good opportunity to just sit on the couch and play with the kids. How often does she have the chance to enjoy the whole afternoon without worrying about dinner or thinking about the load of laundry waiting to be folded? Maybe they will even take out the old photo albums.

There are so many sudden changes in plans and other times when hopes are not realized. By focusing on the future, we can turn disappointments into opportunities.

Another useful reframe is remembering "gam zeh ya'avor, this too will pass." When we are in the middle of a stressful situation, we tend to feel that life will continue this way forever. When a family member is ill, lo aleinu, or a child is going through a difficult stage, shidduchim are not working out, or financial pressures are high, it may seem like we are stuck in a never- ending situation. But if we look back at our past, we will notice that circumstances that seemed hopeless actually passed. Afterwards, we became so occupied with other situations that we did not even realize that we had overcome the difficulties. Reflecting on the past and imagining that the present is also gone may help us to cope with life's challenges.

Difficult life situations breed growth. This reframe challenges us to use our present difficulty as a step towards self-improvement. Take the example of a man (let's call him Boruch) who has a co-worker (Yanky) who is not easy to get along with. Most people at work actually go out of their way to avoid Yanky, but because they share an office, avoidance is not an option for Boruch. Boruch decides to take his association with Yanky as a chance to work on his patience.

Yanky has some annoying habits, such as clearing his throat every few minutes and throwing garbage straight onto the floor. Instead of losing his cool, Boruch waits patiently until the one day when Yanky does not throw anything his way. At the end of the day, Boruch put his arm around Yanky and thanked him for being so careful to aim his garbage into the can. He told him that he appreciated the thoughtfulness. After this incident, Yanky's trash always made it into the bin, and Boruch felt like he had climbed Mt. Everest for handling the situation so calmly and patiently.

The important point to note is that had it not been for Yanky's problematic personality, Boruch never would have refined his middos to this degree. By reframing the situation, Boruch actually elevated himself.

These are just a few of the many ways to take tricky situations and turn them around. Taking a new look at old pictures, with an improved frame, will add contentment and peace to our lives. And even though at first, changing thought patterns may seem impossible, with continuous practice and deliberation, reframing will come more naturally.

 

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