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Home and Family
PARENTING WITH MENUCHA
The Importance of Report Cards --
How to React When the Child Brings it Home

by Menucha Fuchs
Parenting counselor, author of dozens of books for adults and children

Different children have different ways of relating to their report cards. There are children who, even two weeks prior to receiving their reports, will discuss it with reverence and awe and from the marks they got on tests, will try to anticipate the actual ones on the card. When they receive it, they will bring it home tremblingly. Many may cry when something falls short of their expectations; others will not even dare examine it until they are home.

Some receive it with equanimity and might even forget to mention it once they get home.

There are also those children somewhere in the middle. They get excited beforehand, bring it home for their mother to sign, compare the marks with friends and then relax afterwards.

The child's way of relating to his report card starts from an early age on and is basically a result of the parents' way of relating to the topic. Later on, it is also a result of their friends' attitude towards the report card.

Many parents are unsure of how to relate to it, and how much importance they should accord it. Should they just scan it -- since it shouldn't really be top priority, besides the fact that it is probably not entirely reliable. How should they react to the report card or more accurately, to the child behind it?

1. The report card should not be a surprise for the parent

The report card is not a replacement for constant supervision by the parent. It should never be a surprise for them. The parent should be familiar with his child from before. This is possible if the parent has an ongoing relationship with the child. He should be in contact with the teacher and take the homework and tests seriously. There are parents who don't interest themselves at all about what is happening to their child and the report card is their signpost. They judge the child by his grades. According to these marks, they will know whether to kiss him or to be angry, and this is how they'll decide whether he is good or not. This is not how it should be. Parents have to know what is going on with their children throughout the year. This is the only way they can `catch' actual problems in the offing or a regression on the part of the child.

2. Teaching appreciation

Receiving the report card is an excellent opportunity to teach the child appreciation for the efforts the teacher has put in until now. Teachers have to give grades and reports. A situation simply cannot arise where it is time to give out report cards in school and the teacher will decide not to do it. Even if a teacher is not sure which mark to give a specific child, she still must fill in something on the entry sheet. This means that she might make an error in his evaluation. This completely human error can happen in any field, all the more so to a teacher who has several classes with over 40 students each.

The marks are not "holy of holies," but they generally do reflect, to a certain extent, the child's knowledge as he expresses it in class.

A child who receives a lower mark than he feels he deserves can complain about it, but we, as adult parents, have to understand the teacher and the fact that certain conditions prevent her from being strictly accurate. This is an opportunity, as we mentioned, to show our appreciation towards the teacher. "According to you, she made a slight error, but she worked hard examining the tests and for this she deserves our thanks." This is also the opportunity to explain the concepts of objectivity and subjectivity according to his level. This is a good example for discussion since both sides view the issue from a different perspective.

3. Understand the child

It is important for us to understand our children's rebellion against their marks. The mark cannot possibly reflect the basic reality. Sometimes, an intelligent but quiet child, who really knows the material but does not participate, will get a lower mark even though he did well on the test.

The opposite may also be true, that a child who does not know that much but makes a positive impression in class, will get a higher mark than he deserves. And since the teacher's evaluation cannot be completely correct, the report card should not be considered a real estimate of the child's capabilities.

It is totally superfluous to ask a child, "Why did you get such a mark on this subject?" Or "You see, even in class you don't behave, so how do you expect me to think differently about you?" Or "Stop being so resentful and disrespectful. That's why you get such marks."

A child will learn a lot from the marks on his report card, even without our having to express it in words and he might even learn more if we stay out of his affairs. The marks on the report card are only a single opinion -- the teacher's. The other side of the coin is what the child has to say. And it is possible that the child is right. The teacher may not see things correctly. She might blame one child for disrupting, when it is really another child's fault.

4. Reacting with deliberation

Certain important factors can be deduced from the marks on the report card, including unusual behavior patterns. For instance, if the child never puts in any effort and gets a wonderful report card, it is important to think of a proper attitude to keep his ego in place and prevent him from thinking that "he's the greatest."

Take the case of a girl who was considered very special at home, because she was always helpful and contributed a lot of her time. Her report card was very poor. In such an instance, it is important to discuss the matter and to check the reasons for her low marks. The child might find it difficult to concentrate on both the house and her studies. Perhaps she needs to have time slots created for different activities.

The parents' reaction to the report card must be weighed carefully. It should not come as a result of embarrassment or pressure, or unwarranted expectations. The child must first be considered -- he might need encouragement, since he is usually the one responsible for a bad mark. On the other hand, genuine pleasure should be expressed for good marks. But the child must never be shown that the mark is the most important factor for us.

TIPS

* The report card represents an end and a new beginning, no matter what the report is like, let us celebrate it with a treat all around, served with love. A teacher who has to give low marks may try to compensate by giving a better grade in her middos evaluation, which is also part of the report card. A mother should dwell on these (in any case) and stress that it is these middos that the child will need later on in life.

* If your children are usually disappointed with their report cards, explain to them that it is not possible to control what the teacher writes, but they can prepare their own reports and give themselves the marks they feel they deserve, and promise them you will relate to it seriously. [The mother can also make a report card of the child's achievements at home!]

 

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