I would like to tell you the stories of four young women
who live in different places and have nothing to do with each
other, but everything to do with a sometime problem in our
community.
While these young women are not necessarily
representative cases, there is something we all can learn
from them.
Sheini is approaching her fortieth birthday. She was
an American Beis Yaakov girl in every sense and also
intelligent and ambitious. After high school, she went to a
religious girl's college and then, on to evening courses
towards a degree in law. She got a good job in her city
working as a lawyer and helping her less fortunate neighbors
with their legal problems. She remains properly dressed. She
still davvens. And while all her younger brothers and
sisters have married and are raising families, she is still
looking for a Ben Torah that will suit her standing in the
community.
Bashi is only twenty-four. She is an Israeli from a
well known Jerusalem family and after graduating from the
Beis Yaakov Seminary, she finished a course in computer
technology. She now teaches other young people to be
technicians in that field. Every shidduch that is proposed,
she rejects on the grounds that the boy is not interesting
enough and doesn't know what she's talking about when they
discuss her job. She finds them dull and limited.
Chaya has just made a wedding for her oldest child.
She was a new immigrant who became religious after receiving
a degree from a university. She married a ben Torah
who learned full time until about four years ago, when he
took a position in a Torah-related job; he still learns part
time. She has worked full-time-plus all these years to
support their large family. Her knowledge and intelligence
are formidable. When her husband delivers a d'var
Torah at the Shabbos table, she smiles and gives him a
yasher koach, even when I and some others know that
she could have corrected and improved all the way through. He
is not the most brilliant person or the best speaker in the
world, but he is a genuinely frum guy who has never
stopped trying to learn and grow in Torah, and in
appreciation of this, she is quite willing to close her
mouth, take the back seat at the Shabbos table and be happy
with what she has.
Elka is an accountant and has worked long hours
without a stop for fifteen years. She took no more that the
exact three months paid leave after the birth of each of her
children. She doesn't do too much housework and hardly helps
the children with their homework. She is not at home when her
children leave for school in the morning, and she is still at
work when her husband serves them the afternoon meal. Her
husband learns in kollel in the morning and writes
commentaries, which have been published, in the afternoon. He
also does the laundry, helps the children with their
homework, does some dishes, and, in general, brings up his
children. They are both very satisfied with this deal. I have
the feeling that if Elka was ever offered the opportunity to
have her husband support her while she became the full time
mother and housewife, she would not be able to cope!
Four very different stories are before us. What can we
learn from them? Is there really such a thing as being
overqualifed in the marriage market? My father z'l
used to say, "Die chissoren is az die kalla is tsu
shein." The problem, goes the saying, is that the
eligible girl is too pretty, or, nowadays: intelligent,
educated, overqualified...
The fact is that we want our girls to be prepared for
a proper, well paying career so that they can support their
husbands in learning. We raise them to the ideal that the
husband will continue in learning after the marriage for as
long as possible. Another important fact is that not everyone
gets to marry the godol hador, just as not every girl
is R' Akiva's Rachel.
Of the four stories, the first, I think, that of
Sheini, is the tragedy, while for Bashi there may still be
hope. We must learn a lot from Chaya's discipline,
particularly the Bashis of the crowd. Elka is closest to our
goals, but still certainly not ideal.
What can we do to make things better? Please don't
tell me about all the success stories. I know that people are
getting married every day and making good homes. But too many
are not finding their intended and it is for those that we
must make an effort to find a solution.
Our schools must create an addendum to the syllabus
called, "Put a lid on it." We must teach the girls that while
they have been told that they are responsible for kashrus,
challa baking and chinuch, there is much more!
They must be taught to understand that a young bochur
cannot and should not know the things they know about
computers, the working world, medicine, law, accounting,
draftsmanship, interior decorating, graphics, formal
education, hairdressing or what-have-you. He has his field of
expertise in the Talmud and if you need to talk about all
these other things, talk to your friends and co- workers. In
the course of time, you will find things in common to talk
about. You will have a house to run together and with
Hashem's blessing, children and all their myriad problems. He
will also pick up information on the job that you do and be
more and more "intelligent" on the subject. Be realistic. Do
not expect to find an instant friend any more than he can
expect to marry a chavrusa.
What do I mean by "put a lid on it"? Watch the way
Chaya has learned to close her mouth and give her husband
moral support, even though in her many shiurim she has
gone 'way beyond him in her knowledge of Tanach. If Bashi
would understand that while computer technology may be very
interesting and was probably was hard to learn, it is not of
eternal values, she might learn to talk about other things on
a date, and put a lid on the subject closest to her heart at
the moment. All the knowledge that she has gained will surely
be obsolete in another few years, while her suitor's
knowledge will remain eternally relevant.
Every relationship is different, just like the four
stories above are different from one another. We must make
every effort to avoid the Sheini syndrome and begin to open
the eyes of our Jewish daughters to the real value of
establishing a Torah home.
