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Home and Family
Parental Involvement in Sibling Conflict
by Masha Wolf, M.A. Child Therapist

PART II

MEDIATING DISPUTES

When conflicts between siblings are intense and ognoing, parents can schedule a meeting in which both sides brainstorm solutions to the problem. During this meeting, the parent should be careful to listen to each child's side without interrupting or making judgments. This is a vital part of mediating children's disputes. Often, once the child's feelings are heard and understood, he feels more ready to move on to constructive problem resolution. When children's feelings are trivialized or denied, they may become stuck in their problems. The arguments or feelings may even be written down so each child feels they are being heard, then ask both children to brainstorm as many solutions as they can. All solutions should be listened to or written down without comment, even if they are outlandish. Later, ask the children to choose solutions which may be acceptable to both sides (including the parent).

When children come to parents for mediation in everyday problems, it is important to help them clarify the problem by stating it aloud. Furthermore, it is helpful for parents to empathize with and reflect the children's feelings in words. This enables them to move on towards resolving the conflict. Consider the following example:

Moshe and Yoni are both playing with Lego. They begin to fight because each wants the big pieces and the people.

Moshe: Mommy, Yoni is taking all the big pieces of Lego and all the people and I am trying to build a school.

Mother: You're trying to build a school and it's not working out.

Yoni: I'm trying to build a mall and he's not letting me.

Mother: You're not able to build the mall you want to build. I see you are both upset and frustrated because you both have good ideas and they are not working out. What could you do that would make you both happy? How could you work it out?

Moshe: I could play now and Yoni could play later.

Mommy: Would that be fair to both?

Yoni: No. I want to play now.

Mother: What else could you do?

Yoni: We could make smaller buildings and share the blocks.

Mother: That's an idea. Any other ideas?

Moshe: We could help each other and just build one building at a time.

Mother: That's another idea. Which idea do you think will work best for both of you?

Yoni: To share the blocks and people. I want to do my own building.

Moshe: O.K. Me, too.

Mother: I am so proud of the way you worked out your problem. What good problem solvers you are!

Once the children's feelings were heard and they received guidance, they were able to find a solution that was acceptable to both.

There are several techniques that can help children learn the skills necessary for peaceful problem resolution. When children have experienced a conflict and have both calmed down and their feelings have been heard by the parents, they can be asked to play a game.

In the "IF YOU WERE ME" game, children switch places and act out how the other child is feeling. The children are then encouraged to re-enact the conflict, each taking the part of the other, and think of solutions. Other games which were described in an earlier article can also be used to help children find peaceful solutions to their problems.

THE BRAINSTORMING GAME

This is a game in which a child is presented with a hypothetical problem and is asked to think of as many solutions to the problem as he can. Some of the problems may sound silly but the idea is to give the child practice in thinking up solutions. A typical example (with fictitious names) would be something like the following: Chavi took Shimon's truck without asking and he is very angry. What should they do? Accept all answers initially in order to encourage the child's effort. This game can be played with one or several children and if the atmosphere is kept light and the children receive praise or rewards, they may really enjoy it.

Other examples might include:

Sara knocked down Leah's Lego construction, over which she had worked for a long time.

Chezky and Dovid both want to ride the same bike.

Rochel is bothering her older sister who wants to do her homework.

SOLUTIONS TIC TAC TOE

Another way to help siblings learn to solve problems: Make a list of interpersonal conflicts that your children have with each other. Before each person's turn, read an interpersonal conflict aloud. Play a game of traditional tic tac toe, but only allow the child to make an X or O if he offers a legitimate solution, decided by the parent. If he can't think of a solution, you may help him since the main point of the game is to teach problem solving, not game strategy. This can be played with several children against one adult or with one or several children against each other.

The "WHAT IF" game can also be taught to teach children to think of constructive solutions for conflicts that may arise beteen themselves and their siblings.

While parents are mediateing conflict, they should be careful to encourage children when they express emotion appropriately (verbally and not physically). Children can also be enouraged for their cooperation by keeping COOPERATION JOURNALS or charts. These examples of the times they cooperated can later be read to the whole family or to a teacher or can be rewarded with a family activity or prize. Another way to encourage peaceful conflict resolution and interaction with children is by keeping a jar or box and filling it with beans or marbles each time children play nicely together for a specified period of time. When the jar is full, the family earns a reward or privilege.

Consistent use of mediation and conflict resolution will teach children to use these skills independently.

As parents learn to shift their role in sibling conflict away from judge and towards mediator, it is important to demonstrate to each child his importance as an individual to the parent. This will reduce the child's need to seek negative attention and teach him that he will get attention for behaving appropriately and for just being who he is. This can be achieved through special time together, through paying attention to and praising a child's appropriate behaviors and through recognizing and building each child's individual character traits and abilities. It is important to spend time thinking of how each child is unique and what can be done to develop and encourage those skills and traits which are unique to him. The more the parent values the uniqueness of each child and shows him that he is valued, the less he will have to fight for parental attention and his place in the family.

Part III - Empathy - to follow.

Masha Wolf, Child Therapist, provides play therapy to children and educational guidance to parents. Available evenings: 02-656- 2172.

 

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