Dei'ah veDibur - Information & Insight
  

A Window into the Chareidi World

3 Cheshvan 5767 - October 25, 2006 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
NEWS

OPINION
& COMMENT

OBSERVATIONS

HOME
& FAMILY

IN-DEPTH
FEATURES

VAAD HORABBONIM HAOLAMI LEINYONEI GIYUR

TOPICS IN THE NEWS

POPULAR EDITORIALS

HOMEPAGE

 

Produced and housed by
Shema Yisrael Torah Network
Shema Yisrael Torah Network

Opinion & Comment
The Foundations of the Torah Home: How to Establish a Stable and Successful Jewish Marriage

Based on the sichos of Morenu veRabbeinu HaGaon HaRav Chaim Pinchas Scheinberg, shlita

Part Four: A Good Heart

In the second perek of Ovos, we learn about how Rabbon Yochonon ben Zakkai asked his talmidim to go out and find the best, most direct path that a person should adopt in life. His five talmidim gave five different answers: a good eye, a good friend, a good neighbor, concern for the consequences of our actions and a good heart.

Rabbon Yochonon ben Zakkai accepted the opinion of Rabbi Elazar ben Aroch, who said that a lev tov, a good heart, is the best way of life for us to choose. Rabbon Yochonon ben Zakkai explained that a lev tov is the most preferred path because it is all-inclusive.

The heart, besides being a vital physical organ, also has an indispensable spiritual function. Rabbeinu Yonah's commentary on this Mishna cites the Rambam's explanation of why a lev tov is so vital and all- inclusive. According to the Rambam a good heart will correct, and ultimately perfect, our middos and our attitude: "Since a person's beliefs stem from the heart, when there is a good heart all the middos will be correct and attitudes will be proper."

The Rambam goes on to explain that this will result in our being satisfied. We will associate with good people, and we will desire only that which is beneficial.

The desire to do chesed originates in our hearts. To the extent that we correct and refine our middos, so will be the success that we have in bringing menuchas hanefesh into our homes. The home is the best place for us to perfect our middos. By doing chesed at home we can create a strong desire for doing acts of lovingkindness for anyone and everywhere. We can train ourselves to become kindhearted and good-natured.

If we lack menuchas hanefesh, it is because we are selfish. The selfish motivations of jealousy, lust and vainglory cause our lives to be chaotic. These motivations very powerfully affect our attitudes and concepts about life.

Only Torah is strong enough to control these powerful motivations and direct them to productive ends. Without Torah, life becomes an arena of unrelenting selfishness. With Torah, this world becomes an opportunity to do chesed. It all depends on our hearts.

The desire to do chesed originates in our hearts. Our hearts can be for ourselves or they can be for others. We can be for ourselves or we can be for Hashem.

Thus, the lev tov is instrumental in bringing the Shechinah into our homes. With a lev tov we can do, easily and gladly, all the very many different acts of kindness that a home requires. With a lev tov, we can eagerly seek out every opportunity to do chesed with our spouses and children. This will bring kedushoh to our homes and simchah to our lives.

We all do chesed. So many times however, because we have selfish motives, our attitude is biased and our chesed is insufficient. Pure chesed requires a pure heart.

If we want, the Shechinah can dwell in our hearts. However, before this can happen, we must first desire to help other people, without selfish motivations. The Midrash Rabbah (Shir HaShirim 5:1;2), based on the posuk in Tehillim (73:26), refers to HaKodosh Boruch Hu as the heart of Klal Yisroel. Consequently, we all possess the potential for doing pure chesed.

The heart, besides being the source of our emotions, is also the source of our attitudes and opinions. Since our motivations stem from the heart, our experience of the world depends upon our heart's desire. What path we seek in life, how we select our goal in life, and how we go about achieving it — all depend on our hearts.

Chesed

In the first perek of Pirkei Ovos, we are taught that the world is based on and endures because of three things; Torah, avodoh and acts of kindness. A lev tov will give us wisdom to learn, pray and do chesed wholeheartedly. If so, our homes — and consequently the world — will have a strong foundation.

Most of us act kindly when it is easy; when the act of kindness does not conflict with our own selfish concerns. However, if chesed is required when we are tired, hungry or irritable, then we shy away from helping others. If the chesed will require time or money, we find it even more difficult to respond positively.

The obligation to do chesed exists even when, and especially when, we have to put ourselves out for it. We all do easy, effortless acts of chesed. When chesed takes effort and requires self-sacrifice, then we shy away from giving true expression to the unlimited potential for chesed that exists within us all.

The Tzelem Elokim within us gives us the potential to perfect ourselves. A lev tov is the key that unlocks our potential to do chesed and allows the Shechinah to enter our lives. Doing chesed is the way to train ourselves. This training is most effective especially when the doing of chesed is difficult.

To do chesed under difficult and stressful circumstances requires practice. The very best place to practice this is the home. However, before new couples can practice in the home, they have to have education and training — education about the importance of Torah and training about how to live a Torah life together.

It also takes preparation — preparation to appreciate their roles in life. With proper guidance, young couples will be prepared to assume their respective roles in marriage. They will understand that the Torah marriage requires husband and wife to have a common, united goal: Building a Torah home.

This common goal will focus the energies of the husband and wife. They will seek ways of nurturing an enjoyable life together. Eventually, despite any typical initial letdowns or frustrations, they will enjoy a pleasant life together. As they gradually adjust to each other, the Shechinah will enter their lives and light up their homes.

Especially today, with so many harmful, non-Torah influences at the doorsteps of our homes, we must train and prepare long before the chuppah. Before the wedding, we cannot really tell what our spouses will be like. We cannot even imagine what we will be like. After the wedding, the new couple can see themselves, and each other, without illusion.

Their goal keeps them together. The wedding is the beginning, not the end. As long as we remember that the goal is to build homes of kedushoh, homes that foster menuchas hanefesh, then any initial letdowns will not dampen our aspirations for a true Torah home.

Our homes should be shining examples that are capable of inspiring others in the same way as the Beis Hamikdosh inspired Klal Yisroel — homes that direct our hearts to seek more yiras Shomayim and greater perfection in learning Torah.

Even though common goals enable the couple work for their common benefit, goals on their own are not enough. For the sake of our marriages, we must learn to control our selfish tendencies long before we actually get married.

This is why it is so important for couples to understand and share these goals before we begin to build our homes. If not, marital challenges develop into problems and, if unresolved, chas vesholom, can result in doubts about the marriage. Unnecessarily, people begin to think about whether or not they made the right decision. A clear agreement about goals enables the marriage to remain stable during the early stages of adjustment.

Throughout life, but especially during the first years of marriage, people experience disappointments and frustrations. First, we must expect, and then prepare, to cope properly with these unpleasant, but very common occasions. Chazal teach us "all beginnings are difficult." Rashi (Shemos 19:5) cites this Chazal as an important preface to Klal Yisroel's acceptance of Torah; that we have to be prepared for difficulties.

Many times, young couples never knew about the high expectations that Hashem Yisborach requires of their marriage. The tallest skyscrapers have the deepest foundations. Many difficult months are spent digging, drilling and blasting, deeper and deeper, until a foundation is built solidly on solid bedrock.

Afterwards the construction begins, level after level, until the foundation surfaces to the street level. Only then, after all this preparation, can the building proceed into the air. If the foundation is stable, the construction can continue upward many flights. In the end, the building towers high above the original foundation.

Our job in life, and especially in marriage, is to build. The difficult groundwork insures the stability of the structure. If the beginnings are difficult, it means that the beginning is a true beginning — a true beginning that will culminate in the joy of a Torah marriage that lasts for life.

The highest degree of menuchas hanefesh comes from the knowledge that we are fulfilling our purpose in life. Whether it is learning Torah or taking care of the home, both are ruchniyus. The foundation of the Torah home rests on this premise.

The Torah home endures when together, by doing chesed with each other, the husband and wife fulfill their equally important tasks in life. To do so gladly, for a lifetime, the couple must understand and appreciate ruchniyus.

No other chesed can compare to the chesed that spouses can do by helping each other — the husband helping the wife and the wife helping the husband. On the other hand, we all tend to minimize the efforts we put into doing chesed with those who are closest to us.

Therefore, we must be extra cautious to take care of our spouses in the proper way and under all circumstances. If not, we will, chas vesholom, overlook our responsibilities to each other.

Chesed is the way the Tzelem Elokim within us expresses itself. Thus, our potential to help others is infinite. Selfishness limits our greatness.

The home is the place where we can best excel in chesed. The home is no place for selfishness. There are too many opportunities and obligations to do chesed with our spouses, chesed with our children and chesed with ourselves.

Our homes are where we can best cultivate and express how much of a Tzelem Elokim we really are. This is the purpose of our life and, more than any other place, our homes are where we have the opportunity to actualize this potential for giving.

Hashem Yisborach expects each of us to actualize this potential. Marriage is the best opportunity we have to do it; provided we give marriage the necessary time, patience and attention to grow into the magnificent relationship it can be.

Shechinah

During Kabbolas Shabbos, we recite the posuk, "The voice of Hashem is powerful, the voice of Hashem is majestic!" (Tehillim 29:4). In the Siddur HaGra, the commentary Avnei Eliyahu explains the phrase, "The voice of Hashem is powerful," to mean giving potential. We are not born perfect and complete. Our final perfection, the true manifestation of what we can become, is concealed from us at the beginning of our lives. Our perfection is latent, existing only as potential.

Perfection waits within us, allowing our lives to unfold. Hashem bestows perfection to a person according to the desires of the recipient. Only after we have prepared ourselves and we have learned enough about what we need to know, then finally the potential that is within us becomes a reality.

Torah is the great teacher. Only Torah can teach us everything we need to know how to transform our lives from latent potential into true reality.

Thus, according to the explanation of the Avnei Eliyahu, the posuk, "The voice of Hashem is powerful," means that Hashem grants potential and abilities to a person. Hashem gives us the potential; He gives us life — and the challenges of life — as the opportunity to actualize our potential. Hashem allows the potential to achieve its reality, as long as we do everything in our power to actualize the true magnificence of our lives, our marriages and our homes.

Building takes time. Therefore, the Avnei Eliyahu teaches us that the phrase, "The voice of Hashem is majestic (behodor)" refers to the final product. True magnificence occurs when we demonstrate through our behavior the greatness and gloriousness of our Creator. Having actualized our potential through Torah, our homes reflect the beauty and splendor inherent in the Tzelem Elokim that each of us possesses.

Bringing the Shechinah into the home is the purpose of marriage. The bond between husband and wife has the potential to grow ever stronger. The strength of this bond depends on their mutual understanding — and consequential fulfillment — of their different but complementary roles, tasks and goals in life. Therefore, marital teamwork, if carried out with joy and respect, will result in kedushoh and Shechinah.

Perfection awaits every one of us. It is all there in potential. It takes lots of effort, but the goal is all well within our reach. This is why we are alive. Marriage is a process, and Torah is essential for the process to work. Torah is the basis of our life, the basis of our marriage and the basis of our homes.


All material on this site is copyrighted and its use is restricted.
Click here for conditions of use.