QUESTION: My husband and I have many single friends. How do
we go about setting them up?
ANSWER: We all wonder what things will be like when we arrive
at our final judgment. Sure, all of us have performed special
mitzvos in our lives, some more difficult and
challenging than others, but what will be the clincher that
gets us the entrance pass to Gan Eden?
Chazal reveal that one of the first questions we will be
asked on that awesome day is whether we were actively
involved in making shidduchim (Maharsha Shabbos
31a).
When we set people up, we are using G-d-given talents. Yes,
it's a great mitzva, but like everything else in life,
it must be done with good sense. This is a very sensitive
subject and people's feelings can get easily hurt. We should
keep in mind people's likes and dislikes, innermost goals and
aspirations.
If you want to help your friends in shidduchim, the
Number One rule is be careful! Pray a lot and unless you are
willing to put your heart and soul into it, delegate it to
someone else. Ask yourself before starting: Do I know what I
am getting into?
Shoshana, a typical Bais Yaakov girl, once told me the
following true story. She had been set up with a boy and the
shadchan had said that he was definitely her match.
She expected a fine yeshiva boy. Was she surprised when Ralph
pulled up by the meeting place riding on his morotcycle,
wearing a leather jacket, thick gold necklace, T-shirt and
jeans! He pulled off his rider's helmet, revealing a strange
haircut, and asked her if she was `Shoshie.' In a state of
shock, she managed to reply that there must have been a
misunderstanding. We can appreciate why Shoshana never got in
touch with that shadchan again!
People have good intentions. Some matchmakers figure that
even if they don't know what they are doing, what do they
have to lose anyway? One never knows... Hashem is running the
show and whatever happens was meant to happen anyway. But it
is forbidden to suggest a match unless there are good reasons
for you to think it might work out. Otherwise it is cruel,
and technically ono'as devorim.
The lives of two people and their families, and their
sensitivities, are at stake. The more random the suggestions,
the less likely the chances for the match being successful.
Disappointments and discouragement contribute to a loss of
trust in people and in oneself. The process is painful
enough.
Many singles have told me that it is hard for them to
understand how a shadchan can set them up after only a
few minutes of getting general information about them. If you
want to set someone up, try to get to know them as much as
possible. Don't just gather facts and vital statistics about
schooling, height, parents' and siblings' names, etc. Rather,
try to perceive each one as a person, an individual. Try to
understand where they are coming from, what motivates them,
what works for them. The point is not to set them up with as
many dates as possible but to be qualitative.
Rochie's story illustrates this point. She asked the
shadchan why she had set her up with someone whom she
hardly had anything in common. The answer was astonishing,
but not surprising. "You wear a skirt; he wears trousers."
Unfortunately, I've heard that more than once!
Don't make assumptions through hearsay. Make sure the person
who is giving the information is reliable and knowledgeable.
Ask how well s/he knows the person you're asking about. What
is the basis of the information? Is it because of
generalizations such as the schools she attended or whom she
is related to, or is the opinion based on who she really is.
In other words: "Great, nice, kind, amazing" don't
objectively help give you an idea of someone's personality.
Ask, instead, how she demonstrates her wonderful traits; ask
for concrete examples on how she acted in different
situations.
You can help your single friends in yet a different way.
Planning a mishmeres of shemiras haloshon in
their merit is very powerful and effective! A friend and I
organized such a list of women, to help an older girl and,
Boruch Hashem, she got engaged a few months later. In the
long run, prayer is the best form of hishtadlus-
effort.
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people with shidduchim. Comments, questions
and experiences can be sent to travisdn@barak-online.net or
at 02- 656-3111.
