Esther woke up in a bad mood. Her head was pounding and she
wanted to just cuddle back under the blanket. Nevertheless,
she mumbled Modeh Ani and was already mulling over
last night's date, as she washed her hands and got dressed
for work.
The date had been a disaster from the very first. She was
sure that Yehudah would make a wonderful husband for some
other young woman, but for Esther it was hopeless. The
conversation went nowhere. In a few hours, she would call the
shadchanit and thank her for the suggestion but tell
her that it didn't seem to be the right one. Esther was able
to get out of the house that morning without having to
discuss the date too much with her parents. They already knew
that she didn't want to continue — that was enough for
now.
The sky looked dark and overcast as Esther walked out into
the new day. "Good," thought Esther to herself, "the weather
matches my mood." Here she was two months after her twenty-
ninth birthday and no closer to her life's biggest goals: to
be married and raising a family of her own. She knew her
parents suffered along with her, which in some ways only made
matters worse.
Quite a number of years before Esther had given her consent
to her younger siblings to move on with their lives. After
all, she reasoned to herself, it wouldn't help her, to hold
them back. She knew her bashert was out there waiting
for her. It was just a matter of time. Usually Esther was
upbeat and looked for the positive wherever she could. "The
glass is half full," was always her motto.
Today, somehow, everything was different. Esther felt zapped;
completely drained of her positivity, maybe even a bit
bitter. "Will I ever really get married? So much time and
research went into this shidduch and it wouldn't even
go past the first date. Am I so picky?" Esther mused to
herself. All sorts of negative thoughts flowed in rapid
succession. "Outside of my parents and siblings, I don't
really matter to anyone. All my old friends are busy building
a family and are active members of their community. I don't
really make a difference to anyone. What would be if I'd
never been born?" Esther thought to herself in misery.
While grumbling to herself, Esther absent-mindedly noticed
two neighborhood girls trying to cross the street. She took
them by the hands and helped them across. Then she hurried
over to the bus stop. She could see the bus coming up the
street. She had just enough time to hop aboard and find a
seat to herself. Normally, the friendly Esther enjoyed riding
with a familiar face to sit and shmooze with. Today she
wanted to sit and brood. Esther was caught up with the idea
of thinking how little her existence mattered to the world at
large.
Meanwhile, the girls she crossed were happily racing off to
school. One of the two, was a girl named Miri. Miri had been
late to school a number of times that year already. Her
teacher had made some sort of threat, if she would be late
again. Miri wasn't the best student and she didn't make such
an effort with her studies, still she didn't want to get into
trouble. In fact, Miri was so happy to be on time for school,
she made a better effort to concentrate. She even raised her
hand and answered a hard question. Her teacher noticed and
praised her. Miri enjoyed the praise and was spurred to try
even harder. By the end of that school year, Miri was amongst
the top students. By that time, Miri couldn't really say why
she had turned into a good student but in Heaven, a notation
was written on Esther's chart how her one small deed helped
this child.
As the bus drove on, Esther felt a certain comfort in feeling
miserable. She didn't usually let herself sink into a
quagmire of negative thoughts. She knew it was counter-
productive, but just this one time, Esther allowed herself
this luxury. "What difference would it make if I didn't
exist? The world could continue just fine. The bus stopped
near Esther's office and she hopped off. Up in the elevator,
she allowed herself one last despairing thought, before she'd
start another workday. "Why, if I didn't show up to work, I
wonder how long it would take until anyone would notice,"
Esther chided herself.
Esther wasn't completely wrong. There were one hundred and
forty-two people who worked in her office, not including
maintenance people and specialty staff. It was hard for
everyone to know everyone else. In Esther's own division,
they esteemed their friendly, helpful colleague and enjoyed
having her as a part of their group. Esther knew all this,
but chose to ignore it at that moment.
That day, everything seemed to go wrong for Esther. She
couldn't find a pen that wrote. Her computer kept sending her
crazy messages, and she wasn't able to reach any of the
people who had left messages on her answering machine. In the
midst of all of this, Debrah, a co-worker about the same age
as Esther, came over to her to ask a favor. "In about a half
an hour, Mr. Smith wants to ask me about the charts that we
worked on together. I just got a call from the hospital where
my father is interned, that they want to start a different
treatment. My mother is too confused and upset to deal with
it on her own. Could you please take over for me?" Debrah
requested anxiously.
Esther wanted to say no, just this once. Good ol' Esther,
everyone could ask a favor from her. After all, she was
always available, with no husband or home to care for. In
addition, she was so behind with her own work. But she knew
she couldn't say no.
"Go right away to your parents, and get a good report!" she
said encouragingly. Esther looked over the charts with
disgust. She knew Mr. Smith would ask a thousand irrelevant
questions and then say, "Fine, fine. Everything seems to be
in order."
"What a waste of time," she thought.
Debrah got to the hospital in no time. She was very unhappy
with the way the doctor in charge was handling her father's
care. She managed to get a hold of a family friend, a retired
doctor in the field, who came over to assess the problem and
managed to round up one of the top doctors in the field.
Together they realized that the doctor on the case was making
an error in judgment, and directed him in the right path.
Debrah's father enjoyed a speedy recovery and was out of the
hospital and back to teaching in Yeshiva within a week or
two. Up in the Heavens, credit was given to Esther for the
help she gave towards the recovery of Debrah's father.
As the day wore on, some of Esther's bad mood began to
dissipate. After coming out of the bathroom, she was more
thoughtful as she recited Asher Yotzar. Claire, a not-
yet-religious co-worker, from down the hall, approached
Esther and shyly asked her what she was saying. Esther
patiently explained the words and the meaning of the
blessing. Claire was impressed by the level of gratitude
religious people have for their bodily functions. It gave her
something to think about. So much so, that when the following
week a friend suggest they go to a lecture for beginners in
Judaism, she readily agreed. Over time, Claire slowly took on
mitzvos. She could never really say what was the
catalyst, but up in Shomayim, there was a mark by Esther's
name for patiently explaining one meaningful blessing.
On her way out of the office at the end of the day, Esther
noticed an envelope in her purse. "Oh, this must be my
monthly tzedokoh check. I'll mail it at the corner
post box. I don't want that lying around," Esther realized.
After dropping it off, she walked over to her bus. She was
less bitter than when she had gotten on in the morning.
Esther looked up at the sky. The sun was trying to peek
through the clouds. Somehow the weather again seem to match
her mood. "Well, I guess at least my check might make a
difference to someone," Esther allowed herself to think; it
was a sizable amount, her maaser, in fact. In fact,
the organization that received Esther's donation forwarded
the money to the father of a large family who had many
financial troubles. This money was used to pay off a number
of loans. The recipient was so encouraged by his good
fortune, that he asked a wealthy relative to invest some
money for him. The investment turned out to be very
profitable, which led to more and more profitable investments
until this man became a rather wealthy individual himself.
Never forgetting his own former needy state, the man gave
generously to charity. Up in the Heavens, it was recorded how
Esther had saved this family.
Sitting on the bus, Esther anticipated what would happen once
she got home. She and her mother would rehash last night's
date. What went wrong; why she didn't feel it was worth
pursuing. Esther knew there had been a different boy
suggested while they were busy with this one. Esther felt
some of her usual optimism flowing through her blood once
again. Who knows? Maybe he's the one. In the meantime, she
could try to use her time wisely. Maybe she could even be of
some help to to others while she was still waiting . . .
