Some acquaintances of mine suggested that during the period
of Sefiras Ha'omer it is not only fitting but also
worthwhile to publish an article about prevalent problems of
bein odom lechavero, difficulties that are encountered
in interpersonal relations. In their opinion, the way many
people interact with others in daily life is totally
incomprehensible. My acquaintances described various ways of
improper behavior that repeat themselves in several
situations.
Doubtless, the topic of proper bein odom lechavero
behavior is familiar to most of us. Sometimes, we are really
frustrated and baffled when wanting to rectify unbefitting
conduct.
In general, we are first overcome by a sense of futility or
defeat. We figure that it is altogether useless to discuss
ways of correcting these problems. Trying to influence people
to better themselves, to offer prudent guidance, to invest
efforts in that direction, is a waste of time — so why
try? People will not change and will always continue to act
improperly. It is a woeful situation, and we might as well
give up hope.
Such an approach is the antithesis of the principle offered
in the introduction of the Mesillas Yeshorim, in which
HaRav Moshe Chaim Luzzatto ztvk'l reveals to us what
causes people's tendency to overlook basic and enduring
truths:
"The author says: I have not authored this work to teach
people something they do not already know about. My whole aim
is to remind them of what they have known for a long time,
something accepted by them as being undeniably true. In fact,
in most of what I write the reader will only encounter
matters that most people anyway know about and do not harbor
any doubts about. Nevertheless, in the same proportion that
these matters are well-known and obviously true, so do people
overlook and forget about them."
Since negligence is because truths are well-known and
obvious, the way to overcome the disregard is to highlight
the faults.
*
One good friend of mine argued that in our scale of
priorities for rectifying unrefined middos, the
importance of correct speech should be first and foremost. As
proof, he cites the current incessant activities throughout
Klal Yisroel against loshon hora and
rechilus.
After many years of emphasizing in shiurim, mass
gatherings, books and cassettes the need to study the
halochos of Shemiras HaLoshon, of speaking
properly without any direct or implied slander, a noticeable
change has taken place. For instance, such an anecdote
frequently occurs:
A group of people is sitting around a table enjoying
themselves and taking part in a festive wedding meal. One
person unexpectedly begins degrading someone. Upon hearing
this, one of the guests raises his voice authoritatively and
warns that they had better digress from this topic since it
smacks of loshon hora. After that mussar, the
subject is invariably changed.
Such an occurrence, now fairly common, never happened many
years ago. Only now, after general awareness about the
severity of loshon hora has spread, can one find the
fortitude to stand up against an infraction of its laws.
Sincere rebuke emitting from the depths of one's heart is
generally taken to heart.
*
Another example of a problem in bein odom lechavero
takes place quite frequently in yeshivos. When
talmidim engaged in Torah study become thirsty or need
to somewhat pep themselves up, they take a cup of coffee,
drink it, and leave their empty or half-full cups on the
beis medrash tables. These cups that are sometimes put
near seforim create a disorderly appearance to a holy
place and cause disgrace to the seforim. Where is the
honor that a beis medrash rightfully deserves?
Furthermore, everyone will agree that this is surely not a
proper display of honor for other people.
Who is responsible for taking away the empty cups and
disposing them in the nearby garbage can? Why do they always
think "the other guy" will take care of it? Do we ever even
think about this problem?
Is there anyone unaware of the precious concepts of kvod
habriyos and derech eretz? Why don't people pay
more attention to them? What justification can be found for
such incomprehensible behavior as depicted above?
*
Maran Rebbe Yisroel Salanter ztvk'l, the founder of
the Mussar Movement, would constantly stress that a
Jew should not fulfill a mitzvah when another Jew loses out
by it.
The following is cited in Tenu'as HaMussar (I, pg.
327): "Rebbe Yisroel was accustomed to say: The Torah writes,
`The mitzvah of Hashem is clear and enlightens the eyes;
yiras Hashem is pure, remaining forever; the
mishpotim of Hashem are true, altogether righteous'
(Tehillim 19:9-10). When are the mitzvos of Hashem
clear and yiras Hashem pure? This is only when, `[they
are] altogether righteous.' Only if such acts are righteous
even according to the mishpotim. Only if they are also
righteous as far as the mishpotim of bein odom
lechavero are concerned, can they be clear and pure"
(related by senior talmidim).
A story is told about Rebbe Yisroel that one time when he
davened Minchah at a certain shul he saw a Jew
who hastily entered to "snatch" a kedushoh and while
running in stepped on someone's foot and dirtied that
person's shiny shoes. After Minchah, Rebbe Yisroel
called that impetuous Jew over and told him that he must
compensate the other person for dirtying his shoes. Rebbe
Yisroel added that although the value of saying
Kedushoh is tremendous, it loses all of its value if
through it a Jew is caused any damage or pain (Tenu'as
HaMussar I, pg. 33).
*
Another instance of bein odom lechavero is the
following:
Does every Jew who puts on a tallis before
Shacharis look around him to make sure that when he
throws the tzitzis over his shoulder that he will not
accidentally poke someone in the eyes? Sometimes a person is
so occupied in putting on his talis that he
inadvertently disturbs another person. All this is a result
of insufficient attention being given to kvod
habriyos.
One of my friends is greatly bothered when he sees someone
walk into a mikveh and hang up his clothes on the
hangers in such a way that he takes up many more hangers than
he needs to. Because of his thoughtlessness someone else does
not have anywhere to hang up his clothes. With a little
thought, with some sensitivity, with a feeling of love for
one's fellow man and desire to honor him, we could improve
such behavior.
Maran Rebbe Aharon Kotler ztvk'l accentuates the
importance of taking another person into consideration,
honoring him, and trying not to disturb him: "Honoring others
means being considerate of them, taking account of their
honor and pleasure, and preventing them from suffering or
feeling any discomfort or even slight inconvenience. This
also involves not drawing the attention of others when not
needed, not bothering others even for one moment without any
definite benefit or need. This is what is meant when the
Gemora writes that a humble person who `bends down
when he enters [the beis medrash] and bends down when
he leaves, and always studies Torah' will merit Olam
HaBo (Sanhedrin 88b)."
All of the examples presented here are not one-time
occurrences. They are unfortunately daily happenings and each
one of us can unquestionably add accounts of what he has seen
that show out-and-out lack of suitable bein odom
lechavero conduct.
Maran Rebbe Aharon Kotler ztvk'l writes at length
about our subject, and cites in his sefer several
additional illustrations connected to bein odom
lechavero.
Maran writes about throwing paper on the beis medrash
floor, taking a sefer from the bookshelf and not
returning it when finished studying from it, talking out loud
and disturbing others, and causing unneeded annoyance to
others:
"Bein odom lechavero includes unlimited matters, and I
will mention a few. Throwing paper on the floor in the
yeshiva, besides showing an absence of reverence for a place
dedicated for Torah study, also causes unpleasantness for
those who pass by it. Certainly it is not a big bother to put
the paper in the trash instead of throwing it on the floor,
but that person simply does not at all take into
consideration the feelings of people around him.
"Likewise, if one takes out a sefer from the bookshelf
in the beis medrash or even at home and does not
return it to its proper place, he is disturbing others and
also causing bitul Torah. One cannot find a greater
example of a lack of derech eretz and not taking
others in his vicinity into consideration than this (besides
the possibility of his transgressing the issur of
stealing).
"Similarly, when people sit together at a gathering and speak
out loud they disturb others engaged in their private
conversations. Surely, one should not trouble those working
for him unnecessarily. Without a doubt or question, one
should not disturb others from sleeping. Doing so shows that
one thinks only of oneself and also involves the issur
of causing damages to one's neighbors.
"Much has been written about negligence in not returning
seforim to their place. A person who walks into a
beis medrash to daven and sees all of the
seforim that the talmidim left over is terribly
annoyed by that.
"We could argue that not being orderly is something
insignificant, but we must remember that eventually someone
must return the seforim to their proper place on the
shelves as indicated by their numbers."
From this Torah essay of Maran HaRav Aharon Kotler
zt'l we learn several guidelines in bein odom
lechavero and honoring one's fellow man. When we fulfill
mitzvos we must do so in a way that corresponds with the
Torah's other requirements.
No flaw is allowed to be in our mitzvah performance! We
should not cause any harm or sorrow to another person when we
fulfill mitzvos. We must always weigh our performing a
mitzvah with the possible loss that it causes. When
performing a mitzvah it is a necessity for a person to be
aware and alert to what is happening around him.
We must invest great effort to take others into
consideration, to honor others, and not to cause
unpleasantness to those around us.
From what Rebbe Aharon writes, we learn that it is definitely
worthwhile to talk to the masses about details of proper
interpersonal behavior and honoring the beis
medrash.
Moreover, we see that our Sages did not abstain from speaking
about even minute details related to bein odom
lechavero. For example, they were not afraid to explain
small details but important ones concerning the mitzvah of
hospitality. HaRav Yaakov Emden writes in his siddur Beis
Yaakov (pg. 113): "When you encounter a worthy guest, you
should delight over him just as if you found a treasure.
Provide him with the nicest room in your house and give him a
bed and a table, a chair and a lamp and show him where the
bathroom is."
A story is told that HaRav Yaakov Kamenetsky zt'l
would underline the need to fulfill the mitzvah of
hospitality (hachnosas orchim) in the most complete
way. As usual, when guests come one shows them their room and
the kitchen but people forget to show them where the bathroom
is. Surely the guest would feel more comfortable when he
knows where it is found.
HaRav Yaakov adds an important point about this matter: When
one leaves the bathroom, it is proper to leave the door ajar
so that others will understand it is now not being used [this
is told by others who heard this tidbit of advice from Rebbe
Yaakov].
Actually we learn to act like this from what the Mishnah
(Tomid 1:2) teaches us: "Near the room where [the
Cohanim] would immerse themselves was a bathroom (kiseih
shel kovod, literally meaning a chair of honor). Its
honor was that if people found its door locked they knew that
someone is there (and they would not enter it). If they found
its door opened, they knew that it is not occupied (and he
could enter it)."
What we wrote are only a few examples of bein odom
lechavero.
In general, people should contemplate well about problems of
improper behavior, and afterward they will undoubtedly come
across numerous examples of how to honor others and prevent
their being disgraced.
The principle that pondering over this subject will result in
improvement is found in what the Ramchal writes in
Mesillas Yeshorim:
"Therefore the benefit one can obtain from this sefer
is not through reading it once. It is possible that the
reader will only find some insignificant new point previously
unknown to him. One reaps real benefit through constant
review. Through review, one remembers these matters that
people have a tendency to forget, and one pays attention to
the obligations one usually overlooks."
