Downstairs, the Rosh Yeshiva had already started giving his
shiur klolli. R' Yossel [not his real name] walked
upstairs into the other beis midrash and looked at the
students standing there.
"I suppose you're not going to listen to the Rosh Yeshiva
because you think you know it all!"
The boys looked at R' Yossel for a moment, then turned away
and simply ignored his remark.
R' Yossel had never been there before. He did not know that
the upstairs beis midrash housed a different yeshiva
than the downstairs beis midrash. The Rosh Yeshiva was
not their Rosh Yeshiva and the shiur klolli was not
for them.
*
R' Yossel had thrown a verbal dart. He saw something which he
felt required his comment and he phrased it in such a way as
to try and make his comment "hit the mark" in a telling
manner.
The students could have responded by counter-attacking, but
R' Yossel's long white beard protected him from that. They
could have patiently explained to R' Yossel his basic
mistakes, but he had already shown that he was an egocentric
person who thought too much of himself and that it was not
worth their time to "enlighten" him. So they just turned away
and ignored him.
There are people who enjoy throwing these darts. Sometimes,
they throw verbal darts at each other and regard it as being
clever. They assume the darts don't hurt because "that's the
game." Perhaps people who are accustomed to it develop tough
skins and bounce them off.
Often, these dart throwers are low achievers who seek to
bolster their deflated egos by criticizing others in a
painful way. They do not realize that by making such
comments, they reveal their weaknesses.
These verbal darts can do serious damage both to the
"thrower" and to the victim.
R' Yossel was displaying several critical character faults
when he made his comments.
First, he assumed that he was qualified to "correct" what
he thought was a situation which needed correction. I was in
the beis midrash when the incident took place and I
was relieved that the students turned away and ignored him. I
knew these particular bochurim well and his remark,
even if it would have been justified, could have done a lot
of damage.
Second, R' Yossel felt that he was able to sum up a
situation so rapidly that he could immediately take
corrective action. But what he was demonstrating was his
inability even to begin to look beneath the surface of a
situation -- or even to consider that there might be an
alternative conclusion.
Third, R' Yossel felt that by formulating his comment in
such a hurtful way, he was showing how clever he is --
whereas in fact, it showed the opposite.
It was clear that for R' Yossel, throwing darts had become a
way of life. Who knows how many people he has hurt? Who knows
how many people's characters have become seriously damaged
because of his continual throwing of vicious comments at
them?
Sometimes, a person might see a situation which he feels
calls for his comment -- but is he really qualified to
comment? Does he really know all the facts? Is he sure the
recipient will react well to his comment? Does he mean the
best for the person or is he feeding his own ego?
If he really does need to comment, it should be
constructively and with sympathy. Aim to help -- not to
hurt!
Parents who throw these darts at their children are surely
undermining their relationship with them. How can you become
close and confide in someone who you know can hurt you with a
remark calculated to cause maximum pain? Also, when children
see their parents doing it, they start making destructive
remarks to their siblings, which further undermines the
relationships within the family.
*
Reuven sees Shimon walking very slowly to yeshiva.
Reuven has a desire to say to Shimon, "I see you're working
on zrizus today!"
But wait. Perhaps Shimon does not feel well. Perhaps he has a
problem with his feet.
Reuven can say, "Hi! How are you feeling? Can I help?"
*
Reuven sees little Levi eating sloppily, smearing his face
with food.
Reuven has a desire to say to him, "I see you believe in
feeding your face without going through your mouth."
But wait. Perhaps Levi has a motor-development problem.
Perhaps he has only recently learned how to hold a spoon.
Reuven can say, "Levi, can I help you eat?"
*
Reuven sees Yehuda with a big rip in his jacket.
He has a desire to point to the tear and say, "I see that you
have installed air conditioning."
But wait! Perhaps Yehuda didn't notice the tear. Perhaps it
is fresh; he knows he has a rip but cannot repair it now.
Perhaps he doesn't have another jacket. And who knows if
Yehuda didn't get the rip by gallantly helping someone in
distress?
Reuvan can say, "I don't know if you realize that you have a
tear on your jacket. Can I lend you one of mine?"
Or, perhaps, in all of these examples, Reuven should just
keep his comments to himself...
