Part II
Warmth in the Torah — How I Loved Your Torah
When we invest in creating a warm atmosphere in the home, we
have to put special emphasis on the Torah learning of the
children: To make learning sweet for them. According to Rav
Simcha Cohen, "Without doubt, part of the connection to or
distance from learning is related to whether learning was
made sweet for the children or they were forced to learn."
Rav Yakobson adds: "Many parents ask how and why a child who
was in a strict learning framework, learned nicely and shone
doesn't connect himself completely to Torah? The Chofetz
Chaim answered this with a parable: A strong, quick and agile
Cossack soldier served for twenty-five years in the army.
After his service, he got a pension paid for by the state
till the end of his life. And look what a wonder, that same
soldier became a symbol of a lazy, apathetic, clumsy, good-
for-nothing in every way.
What happened? For twenty-five years they forced him to act
against his will. When he was no longer forced to, the
pressure of years was taken off which made him feel opposed
to everything he was compelled to do. And his behavior
bespoke the results.
"It isn't enough that a child do only what he's brought up to
do. It's more important that he enjoys it! If we don't ensure
that he loves the Torah and that it is sweet and pleasant to
him, then even if he keeps it, it will be forced, under
coercion, with no inner connection."
Teaching Torah with love is accomplished through the personal
example of the parents.
One young man from a Torah home complained: "I've never seen
my father come home in the evening and enjoy his learning the
holy books, but I have seen him come home and stroke the new
ceramic tiles and enthusiastically praise its quality."
Rav Cohen: "When a father sits with his son to learn, it's
good to accompany the learning with a melody so that he
projects how much he's waited for this moment of learning
together and every chiddush will be accompanied with
joy, as if they've discovered a precious pearl. And when the
son returns from cheder, the mother should welcome him
with warm words and appreciation for the Torah he's been
studying all day."
The Man with the Compliment is the Man of the
Century
Rav Simcha Cohen: People today are oblivious to a person's
basic need for a compliment. And if another person expects
someone to tell him that he's smart and intelligent, for
example, it is our obligation as servants of Hashem, to do
good for others and to compliment one who needs to hear that
he is indeed talented.
People find it very difficult to put aside their egotism and
bend for the sake of another. They make excuses for their
lack of encouragement such as, "It isn't a real compliment,"
"The praise isn't exact," "It's hard for us to pay
compliments," "If we praise her, she'll drive us crazy."
The real losers here are the compliment misers. "With the
help of a compliment, one can deepen a relationship," claims
Rav Cohen. "When someone feels that his partner in
conversation values him, he becomes more connected to him.
The compliment benefits the one giving it in that it focuses
his attention on the positive aspects of his partner."
A compliment should be given with a smile and from the heart
so the words penetrate the heart. A compliment given with a
closed or cloudy countenance projects disdain, tension and
suspicion. When your daughter asks you, "How did my cake turn
out?" and you answer: "Great, but hurry up and clean the
kitchen (because otherwise, I'll have to do it)," the message
projected is: "I care more that the kitchen shines than about
your cake," and she's disappointed for not having received
appreciation for her efforts.
It's desirable to praise at length and to go into as much
detail as possible. Short expressions of praise seem trite
and thoughtless. In addition, one should repeat the
compliment later on. Thus it penetrates the heart of the
recipient.
The compliment should match the recipient's self-image. An
exaggerated compliment can seem like flattery and worthless.
For example, a woman compliments her sister-in-law on the
great pizza that she baked, when actually the pizza was tough
and burnt.
There are compliments that achieve the opposite result
— insult. For example, a compliment paid to a son who
made an effort to straighten up his room could be phrased
like this: "I see lately that you've changed." Seemingly, a
compliment, but certainly with an accompanying criticism
(don't forget that once you weren't neat). In general, a
compliment that includes a comparison with someone else is
destructive. Or a compliment such as, "It's good that you
finished cleaning the house, though your sister would have
done this work in half the time . . . " Such a remark is
better left unsaid because it hurts the one who hears it.
"Words have power," Mrs. Arbus concludes. "As parents, we
have to focus on the bright spots of our children and to draw
attention to them with heartfelt compliments and praise. If
we transmit to the child how much we value him, it builds his
personality and works wonders."
Freezing Cold and Burning Warmth
One can hand out endless compliments but the person receiving
them can react frostily. Psychologist Henia Loberbaum: With
every contact with another person, there is interaction,
reciprocal reactions. When we emit warmth and the other
person withdraws and is distant, we naturally also withdraw
to protect ourselves from being hurt. Giving warmth to
another without receiving it in return creates a feeling of
rejection and that's hurtful. Therefore, instinctively, we
adjust ourselves to the situation.
For example: Someone comes to give her friend a hug and sees
her retreat — she too will withdraw immediately. But we
also have to remember: There are people who need to proceed
at their own pace when connecting to others. They connect
slowly but when they get close, they can be effusive and
emotional.
In actuality, when a warm person finds himself up against a
wall of ice of a cold person, he often feels that the cold
person is being arrogant. What does one do with this feeling?
Loberbaum claims that a cold person isn't necessarily being
patronizing. There are people who are arrogant but warm and
there are those who are arrogant and cold. The distance is
interpreted as snobbishness but it doesn't have to be that
way. Arrogance comes from an inner weakness. Whoever is
condescending feels weak; therefore he has to prove
differently (as when a teacher feels weak and compensates by
being overly aggressive).
Rav Simcha Cohen feels that the cold person is not being
arrogant; he's blocked. There can be two reasons for this:
One — someone who hadn't experienced love and warmth in
his childhood will find it hard to give it when he's mature.
Two - - there are people who find it difficult to develop
relationships with others. They will behave coldly, they
won't bond and if a relationship has some beginning, they'll
immediately stop it so that they won't be obligated.
Then there's the other extreme: When the warmth becomes too
hot for comfort and becomes too dependent and parasitic.
Psychologist D. Blonder: The "leechy" type points generally
to an anxious personality lacking in self-confidence who
clings too much to another person to make up for his inner
lack. This isn't warmth that comes from love but need. The
professional term is 'anxious ambivalence.' Rav Simcha Cohen
adds: "Because a dependent person is needy and unable to
give, we have to understand that this needy person, even if
he is tiresome and unpleasant, isn't using us. This is how he
relates to us. When we understand this, there is no more
problem and we can judge him favorably."
"The family is a unique human group," says Mrs. Arbus. "It is
a partnership of a father, a mother and children, and each
member of the system has his own personality with unique
qualities and personal wants. Each member of the household is
in a reciprocal relationship with the others and in this way
he fulfills his needs. In order for the family connection to
provide the proper support, the connection needs to be
strengthened. A warm and good environment at home influences
the quality of this relationship."
