Part V
"The secret of a joyful home is that everyone is together and
with this togetherness we work towards the same goal. Before
Purim, I don't make the costumes by myself. Each one suggests
an idea and together we do what we can and feel is
appropriate. Whoever can't help, enjoys sitting next to me
while I sew and feels part of it.
"For Pesach we all get ready and clean, each one according to
his ability. Each one feels like he's making a contribution
and is part of the action. When we first put up a large
succah in the yard after years of having a small one
at home, each child, of his own accord, prepared a decoration
and together we all hung them up. And so, everything was done
calmly and without stress."
A Job for Everyone
It is in the nature of large families to split up the work.
It interested us to know how it's done and organized and in
what kind of atmosphere.
Rebbetzin Chana: "I'm not a naturally good work manager. I
think that it's worth having a division of labor but I
haven't been too successful with that. The children generally
get along and divide up the work themselves. On Erev Pesach,
I'm more successful in giving everybody responsibility for
their areas and tasks. But every year they always do things
according to my immediate wishes."
What Do You Do to Make It Easier for You?
"When the children were small, my husband helped me. Besides
that, I developed short cuts. I'm naturally agile and the
main thing is that I love the work, as banal as that sounds.
And if someone likes something, it's much easier and they can
succeed. There's no doubt that the children's help is
significant. They don't work according to a planned rotation,
like I mentioned, but they help as much they can in all
areas.
"When the children were small, I consciously compromised on
extreme neatness and order, although I am a very neat type. I
said to myself, 'Either I'm raising happy children or I'm
keeping the house shiny. Both together are impossible.' Of
course for Shabbos or yom tov, you clean. But if you
consciously compromise on the daily tidiness and neatness of
a "pharmacy," the atmosphere at home will be healthy and
happy and good for everyone.
"Another thing: I have a daily schedule of meals, which
allows me to offer variety with flexibility with room for
change. One day, I'll make fish and another lasagna and the
like. For example: On Tuesdays we eat meat but if Rosh
Chodesh falls on another day I'll change the meat to Rosh
Chodesh. This plan helps me organize my shopping. I prepare
the necessary ingredients ahead of time and it's easy for me
to plan the preparation time.
"Varying the meals helps keep the children healthy. One child
doesn't like chicken but likes fish so on "chicken day," I
give him a token portion and on "fish day" he gets a double
portion. This arrangement prevents arguments about food and
everyone eats balanced. I think that it's because of this
that the kids have always liked to eat at home and still
do.
"What I also find helpful is a fixed routine for daily
chores, weekly or monthly. Tuesday, for example is ironing
day and by evening I try to have all the laundry ironed.
There's the possibility to switch-off, for example on Rosh
Chodesh I have a practice of not sewing so I exchange the
sewing and repairs day and do my baking instead.
"Another iron-clad rule of mine is not to put off till
tomorrow what can be done now. One time, I didn't feel like
doing a particular job. When I had overcome my reluctance and
did it, I checked how long it had taken. The result was
amazing — 12 minute! From this I had made a big
deal.
"These little things keep me going. For example, when I sit
down to iron, I put a box of buttons beside me. If I discover
while ironing that a button is missing, I sew it on the spot
and save a lot of time. That's how I keep a mountain of
chores from piling up. I have learned these shortcuts over
the years."
Zissi, the oldest of a large family and a mother herself,
says, "In my parents' house there has always been a division
of labor but my mother never insisted we complete it, though
this kind of strict division would have helped the house to
be more organized. My mother never pressured us, because in a
big family, Baruch Hashem, there are many exceptional events -
frequent simchas, small emergencies, G-d forbid - and
there's almost no routine. She consciously preferred to raise
children who were happy and not stressed out.
"The big and regular jobs generally belong to the girls. One
prepares food for the next day, another prepares the clothes.
But the important factor here is that it's done from
willingness and a sense of responsibility. My sisters and I
developed these qualities because Ima didn't stand shotgun
over the duty roster.
"If one of us had spare time, she would tell Ima: 'I've got
time; how can I help?' She would never think, 'I've finished
my job so now I'm free.' And there are sensitive jobs that
Ima feels out to see who has the patience and strength to do.
That requires wisdom. For example, I undertook to take down
the garbage. I did by it automatically even on the day I went
to seminary on the day after I got engaged. My mother reminds
me of this to this day. It's a job I undertook of my own free
will.
"My unmarried sisters claim that our house isn't orderly and
shiny enough and they would want a duty roster and stronger
enforcement of it, but they don't understand the price that
this will demand of them. Ima understands, and that's why
she's willing to compromise. Her rule is that there shouldn't
be tension at home. That's most important to her."
Yehudit, the daughter of a large family who has a home of her
own: "I'm the eldest and after me are a number of boys, so
the work was divided between my mother and me. Ima told me
more than once that I have much merit because of all my help
and really, I did almost everything myself. There were
moments when I felt it was hard for me having the entire
burden on me but as a whole, the basic feeling was: They
trust me! I'm earning special mitzvos and merit!
"My parents knew how to appreciate my great help. I remember
a difficult period when my brother was in the hospital. My
parents were with him and the entire burden of the house fell
on me. One morning, when I got up, I discovered a new
leatherbound siddur near my bed. I opened it and read
with real tears the dedication my father had written. My
parents put all their love and appreciation in that
siddur and the inscription. It gave me a lot of
encouragment.
"Each time my mother gave birth, and that happened
frequently, a heavy burden fell on me and I worked hard. But
I always felt that my parents appreciated my efforts and so I
did it willingly and happily."
Being of a Large Family
What kind of an experience is it to be part of a very large
family? We heard emotional descriptions.
Hadassa: "I had a wonderful feeling that I'm part of a
cohesive tribe. We lived in a small house surrounded by trees
and it felt like living in a fortress that was protecting me.
The feeling was: 'There's nothing like our family!' For each
child who brought home a good report card, we said: 'He's
doing credit to `the firm.' Any time a child received
compliments during a PTA meeting, it strengthened the unity
of the family — We're a model family! We each had a
family patriotism. Family pride.
"I'm sure everyone who belongs to a large family feels that
way. One protects the other, is happy in the accomplishments
of his sibling and empathies with his failures. I remember my
father teaching my little brother the aleph-beis and
he knew it well. My father picked him up and rejoiced with
him. I was then four and a half and I rejoiced happily
together with him. I noticed that I wasn't feeling jealous; I
was just feeling happy along with him."
"I had a lovely childhood," recalls Rochy, "and it's still
good and pleasant for us today. First of all, there's a
variety of people and personalities. Despite the fact that we
grew up in the same house, each one of us is different
— a world unto himself. Everyone has found a true, good
friend among his/her siblings and sometimes even a few. It's
not only a sibling relationship but real friendship.
"You also get a lot of help from the whole team and you feel
that everyone really cares. The help could be with homework
or extracurricular activites. For example, my older sister
taught me how to play the organ when she learned. There's
also help coping and the help continues to this very day.
When I'm after a birth or need help for any reason, I have a
choice. I always have a sister or niece who are happy to lend
a hand.
"I have a good place in the middle. I'm the seventh, the
youngest of the oldest. The group of the older ones and the
group of the younger ones represent two separate generations,
almost two families, even though there's an excellent rapport
between us. The big ones are, to a certain extent, parental
figures for the younger ones and the younger ones grow up
with the experience and wisdom of the older ones. There are
topics that the younger ones find easier to discuss with the
older ones. It's not in lieu of the parents but as friends
who empathize with them and with whom they know they'll
always find an attentive ear."
"What does it feel like to be in a big family? There are many
feelings, the main one being that it's a gift!" That's how
Zissy defines it, "Always happy, never boring; there's always
what to do. Your efforts are appreciated and there's a reward
for your actions. You invest in people and immediately see a
return.
"I can't forget the experience that I gleaned in raising
children and running a home as a child. And it rings true in
my own home. Because I was the eldest, I got jobs to do that
girls of my age don't usually get to do, like cooking for
Shabbos, taking care of the little ones, including changing
diapers etc. And I got a lot of experience from this.
"My friends, who've grown up in a small family, are pretty
much in shock when they come to raise their own children . .
. childhood diseases, the critical moments of bedtime,
sending the children off in the morning. They're all familiar
to me; I went through them together with my mother and when I
got married, everything was simple and easy.
"Coping together with my mother brought us close together. I
felt this especially in my adolescence when the relationship
with one's mother is very important. I profited in that I had
the best among friends. We enjoy this relationship to this
day."
