Often we must think of absurd possibilities in order to
fulfill the commandment of judging favorably.
Question:
Dear Shadchante,
I wondered if you could address yourself to a topic that is
intertwined with shidduchim, shadchonim and
eventually, after the chuppah, sholom bayis. I
refer to "ono'as devorim", hurtful speech, as in the
following examples. "At your age, I wouldn't rule out a
suggestion like this..." "No offense, but I think you're
shirking your responsibility as a parent; you know your
daughter is not getting any younger." "Mazel tov, I
guess your daughter had to give in on something..." etc.
Thanks for serving up the topic of shidduchim in such
an appetizing form.
Yours truly,
B.G.
Answer:
Rashi (Metzorah 14:4) says that the violator of
loshon hora brings birds as a sacrifice because they
constantly chirp. The power of the tongue is verbal
communication, which is an articulation of the soul. If
someone just "chirps" without thinking that he is wielding
the spirit's instrument, then it will be a representation
solely of the body and the evil inclination (Maharal,
Pirkei Ovos).
Since language is a direct expression of the spiritual, it
can cause much deeper damage than other sins. This is the
reason that our Sages ascribe such importance to speech and
why misusing is punished so harshly, for other transgressions
stem from the desire for bodily pleasure, on the physical
realm, while speech is a direct affront on the soul.
Hurting with Words and Fear of G-d
One of the main sources of the mitzvah of hurting with
words, ono'as devorim, is from Vayikra (25:17):
"And you shall not upset the feelings of one another. But you
shall fear your Lord, for I am G-d, your Lord."
What is the connection between not causing pain and fear of
Hashem? One possible explanation is that being afraid of the
Creator will help one not to say hurtful comments.
Considering the awesome responsibility and following
punishment of what a simple remark in passing could cause
will lead to more vigilance in the area.
This mitzvah requires great self-control. In the best
of moments, we try to be thoughtful. But what about when we
are distressed, disappointed, frustrated, tired, hungry,
etc.? When the reserves are low, and there is a certain build
up of tension, we are still obligated to be sensitive to
others. Regrettably, even when we are not in a particularly
difficult situation, sometimes an unintentional and casual
remark could be misplaced. The Chazon Ish reinforces that it
includes even causing distress or uneasiness for a second!
A person who doesn't hurt with words is not just sweet or
nice. The concept is a lot deeper than that. If we realized
the enormity of the transgression and the destruction that a
mere innocent statement could create, we would strengthen our
resolve to be more aware of what the Torah expects from us. A
G-d-fearing person will be careful not to upset others,
because he knows that when he does, he is damaging himself,
he is transgressing. Furthermore, he is also hurting the
Creator Who feels deeply for all of us!
Awareness
What makes this self-awareness of proper communication even
more challenging is that people have different sensibilities.
We all have open wounds, vulnerable spots. Obviously, the
sensitivity and tolerance level varies. Also, some feelings
are more noticeable, while others better conceal them. But
all of us have that "button," that, when pushed, causes an
emotional sore. Often we can't even put our finger on what
triggered a certain reaction.
It's not enough to be careful about what would upset you. The
mitzvah requires trying to be in tune with the person
you're talking to. Let's say you find yourself sitting at a
wedding table next to an older single friend. She obviously
won't appreciate being treated differently, as a nebich.
People can't simply change the subject because she just
walked in. It would be too obvious. But at the same time, you
can try not to speak only about your children and husband,
but also about other subjects of interest to her, like a
reunion, guests, job, vacation, etc.
Additionally, you need to assure yourself that you're trying
to be sensitive not only according to your point of view. If
certain blunt or even subtle criticism wouldn't bother you,
keep in mind that most people don't like others to opinionate
on their private affairs. Especially in the area of
shidduchim, where so many personal affairs are at
stake. Even if it's not a serious matter, remember that
people can also get hurt from seemingly unimportant
issues.
Certain societies are more open and expressive, while others
have a strong need for privacy. If we don't attempt to "gap
the bridges" with patience and good will, the communication
will inevitably get lost along the way.
Moreover, if there are many ways to convey a message, the
mitzvah implies to do it in the most tactful manner.
We can't just let that first urge to quickly speak come out.
The question at hand is what you want to convey and what is
the best possible way to carry it out.
If you think Tova* should reconsider going out with the man
you proposed, be diplomatic. When people feel that you care,
you have better chances they will heed your words. Rather
then hastily expressing frustration, you can perhaps try
saying carefully but firmly something like: "Are you sure?
Would you re-evaluate?" And if she doesn't, it's her
responsibility, not yours!
But even when you mean well . . .
First of all how do we make out that she is really being
unreasonable? A girl I know started out rejecting all offers.
People didn't understand why, since she was offered top boys.
Later on, she confided to close friends that since she
couldn't have children, she was advised to meet only
divorcees or widowers who already had children of their own!
This is an extreme example, but in truth, we need to admit
that our perception is limited. Only the Almighty has the
whole picture!
The correct outlook when relating to others is that only
Hashem knows what is really happening in their lives, and
what makes them act the way they do. Often we must think of
absurd possibilities in order to fulfill the commandment of
judging favorably. The underlying idea here is to recognize
that we cannot really understand someone else's actions.
Hashem judges a person based on the entire range of their
life e.g. their upbringing, personality, who influenced them,
what opportunities they had etc. When relating to someone
else, we should try to recognize all these factors.
Moreover, how do we know our help is wanted and needed? Let's
keep it simple: unless it is unavoidable, it's safer not to
volunteer suggestions. Especially if our assistance is called
for, it's reckless to "spill it all out." Rather, reflect
before stating your advice.
Thus, even if the intentions are excellent, usually there are
better-qualified people around who know the situation better
than you do. Furthermore, if we feel that it is imperative to
interfere, it should be done with thought.
When I was single, shortly before a trip abroad, a friend
recommended a shidduch for me. I explained that my
plans were arranged and when I came back, I would look into
it. When I returned, she exclaimed (I'm not exaggerating):
"Remember I wanted to introduce you to a friend of my
husband? Well, he got engaged and to a great girl! What a
pity you missed the opportunity . . . What if he was your
zivug?" She was frustrated that I didn't do what she
would have wanted me to do, and implied that stubbornness
would impair my future! How do you think I felt?
Self Control
The Chofetz Chaim was told that people might not want to
learn the laws of speech because they feel they would anyway
transgress them, one way or another. "I'm fully aware of that
problem," said the Chofetz Chaim. "I have even spoken to R'
Yisroel Salanter about it. He told me, 'It is worthwhile for
someone to read your sefer on shemiras haloshon
even if the only result will be a sigh when he completes it'"
(Guard your Tongue, by Rabbi Pliskin, p.5).
At the same time, the Chofetz Chaim also wrote that by
learning those directives, a person will eventually see an
improvement in his conduct. A simple moan is a sign of
remorse, "I messed up again." It's never too late to
apologize. But even then, there are guidelines, especially if
it will make the other person feel worse.
At the beginning, we might catch ourselves in mid-sentence
saying something inappropriate. We might eventually realize
that we are improving; now we are actually developing
sensitivity. Learning from mistakes is one of the best
schools.
Basically, the trick is to learn to think before talking.
Evaluate if the first impulse could cause harm. Just like in
other areas of conduct, it takes a lot of self-control
throughout a lifetime of work.
Definitely, becoming more people-smart is an art. Usually, as
you get to know someone better, you will have better tools to
intuit how to communicate. More contact and interaction will
give you insight on that person's particular needs.
Positive Speech
While engaged, Shifra got golden advice from her husband's
Rabbi on how to get along with the future shvigger.
"Don't talk too much and when you open your mouth, try only
to say positive things." Being a little shy, Shifra had
difficulty making the conversation flow. So one time, running
out of what to say, she remembered: kind words. So she
complimented on earrings. But (truly!) since it happened
quite a few times, the shvigger, also wanting to be
nice, presented her with the jewelry. The problem is that
Shifra didn't even like it!
A famous psychologist wrote that in order to apply behavior
modification; we need to switch the unwanted conduct for a
positive one. She compared it to switching tapes. The way to
dispose of the current sound is to substitute for new upbeat
music. Therefore, if you reinforce a positive outlook, it
will push away the careless communication.
A favorable attitude leads to respect. If I focus on my
neighbors' qualities, trying to overlook her faults, I will
see her in a different light. If we consider the person in
front of us as worthy of honor and dignity, we would hesitate
before saying the wrong thing.
The key is the well-being of the listener!
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shidduchim. Please note that all
names have been changed unless specified with the exception
of well-known public figures like Gedolim and
educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be sent to
dytravis@013.net.il or at (02) 656-3111
