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Shema Yisrael Torah Network

Opinion & Comment
A Selection of Rulings, Comments and Pieces of Advice Heard from the Steipler, Zt'l, on Raising and Educating Children

In Honor of His 20th Yahrtzeit, 23 Av, 5745-5765

This a compendium of independent stories and saying of the Steipler Gaon about chinuch. The first part, published on parshas Mattos, observed, among other things, that people used to be happy because they overcame adversity simply in making a living and running a household. Now those tasks do not present difficulties that must be overcome, so people are not happy. The only case where there is difficulty is in Torah learning. If the husband toils in Torah and the wife supports him and encourages him, they can both have a feeling of satisfaction in successfully learning Torah. The Steipler was also quoted as being against spoiling children, and as recommending a generally gently touch, though not ruling out hitting in some cases such as not saying a brochoh or the child hitting another cruelly.

Negative Influences

The problems posed by bad neighbors or by a detrimental environment have to be dealt with wisely. It is interesting to note the Steipler's instructions to someone he knew, who asked what he should do about a neighbor who had a television in his house.

"I asked the Steipler: The neighbor's granddaughter has come to him for a short stay. My daughter plays with her and I don't know how to warn my daughter not to go into this neighbor's house where the TV is. Can I for example tell my daughter that someone who watches TV is called a rosho? That could lead to problems if my daughter tells her friend what I said. She would tell her grandfather straight away and it would cause a quarrel between neighbors. That's how I put the question.

"Our teacher responded, `Don't tell her that someone who watches TV is merely called a rosho. Tell her that by watching TV one actually becomes a big rosho! Every image that a young child sees takes root within him and never leaves him. It involves a danger to life! The damage is indescribable.'

"He then added, `You have to train your daughter and you don't need to worry about it leading to a quarrel. The neighbors also need to know' . . . "

Another questioner asked about his young daughter, who did not pronounce several letters correctly. Should she be taken to visit a hospital for speech therapy? [At the time, the hospital involved was Tel Hashomer.] Our teacher replied forcefully, "It's not worthwhile to go. She could hear heresy there that would cause her greater damage [than the speech problem]. Hashem will help that she should learn how to speak without them." (It is in place to repeat the cautionary message mentioned at the beginning of this article against drawing practical conclusions from these stories, without examining each case based on its unique circumstances.)

And on the subject of children's development, the following story is brought in Halichos Vehanhogos. An avreich was concerned about one of his young children, who was not developing relative to the others. The Steipler told him, "That's not a reason to worry. Every child is an individual. One develops early, while another is later. I know people who looked like eight-year-olds until their bar mitzva and then, in a short time, they became mature bochurim. You have nothing to worry about."

Choosing a Place to Learn

Here are two interesting incidents where the Steipler gave advice on this topic. The first question was, "Is there a preference in choosing a talmud Torah where the tefilloh follows the same nusach as the parents'?"

The Steipler responded, "No attention should be paid to the nusach. The main factor in choosing a cheder is that the child should receive more Torah and yiras Shomayim there. If there are two chadorim which are the same in that respect, then the place that has the same nusach as the parents is preferable."

The second question was, "My son, who is learning in cheder, is not getting along with the melamed. Is it worthwhile changing him to a different cheder?"

Our teacher smiled and answered, "There was a child in our family whose teacher was causing him problems, which he suffered from greatly. So he switched chadorim. When the child arrived in the new cheder, he found that that melamed had also moved to the second cheder, and that he would be teaching his class. In the end, he suffered from this melamed for two years . . . it's impossible to know where things will be better."

The author of Orchos Rabbeinu quotes the Steipler as having said in the name of the Chazon Ish that if a child or a bochur is doing well in his current place of learning, he shouldn't be taken out and placed elsewhere. (See Orchos Chaim, siman 53 from HaRav Chaim Volozhiner.)

Teach Them to Your Sons

The Steipler once remarked that in the past, when the surroundings were pure and the melamed was a great yerei Shomayim, people relied upon the melamed. Today, the father has to train his son himself.

As a rule, he would encourage parents to learn with their children themselves outside the hours of cheder classes. HaRav Shlomo Zalman Weisenstern recalled what he heard from the Steipler on this subject. It was when a group of talmidei chachomim were about to open a branch of Yeshivas Hamasmidim in Bnei Brak, with a program of after- hours study for cheder pupils.

"We went to him and asked about the whole idea, whether to set up such a framework of learning for the boys.

`Chas vesholom!' he said. `In principle, there is a mitzvoh to teach one's child, veshinantom levonecho, which obliges a father to learn with his son. It's only because the father is occupied with earning a livelihood that he hires a teacher for his child. Certainly then, when he is free from all his business, he needs to learn with his son and if he can do so, sending him to a masmidim group instead is not an option.

`However,' [he continued,] `if you open the masmidim [there are those who will benefit since] the fact is that there are people who don't care to learn with their children and there are also children who quarrel or disturb their parents at home.' He blessed us and instructed us to open the yeshiva.

Love of Torah from a Young Age

HaRav Weisenstern continues, "I saw how the Steipler inculcated appreciation of the value of Torah and a love of Torah in his home. I saw how he trained his son, who was then under bar mitzvah age, to go through the masechtos of the gemora and copy into a notebook the number of times this tanna or that amora's name was mentioned. I seem to recall that the boy had a separate notebook for each maseches.

"When his daughters were young, he also taught them the names of perokim of mishanyos, in their order, and they learned them by heart. Every Friday night he would tell his young children stories about tzaddikim, or stories that inspired them to serve Hashem."

A grandson of the Steipler relates that his grandfather once made a little aron kodesh for him, in which to keep and play with a small, child-size sefer Torah.

Among the Steipler's papers, a page was found on which the Steipler had written down the names of Rishonim and Acharonim with a list of four of the seforim that each of them had written. The names were written inside rectangles. This was a game he had devised for his children as a substitute for cards.

The mashgiach in the yeshiva in Pinsk (which the Steipler headed before moving to Eretz Yisroel), related that he was once playing with the Steipler's two- year-old son ylct'a. When they entered the yeshiva, he said to the child, "I'm looking for a medrash," and, to everyone's surprise, the toddler went and showed him where the shelf with the medroshim was. Later they found out that his father has taught him where the volumes of the Shas, the Rambam, the midroshim and the Shulchan Oruch all were. In his wisdom, he filled his children's hearts with a Torah that was part of life!

A Lifelong Obligation

In Orchos Rabbeinu, there is a description of how, throughout his life, the Steipler fulfilled the mitzvoh of veshinantom levonecho, with his son ylct'a HaRav Chaim Kanievsky. When Reb Chaim was a child and a bochur, the two learned together every Shabbos, and during the week as well. When Reb Chaim came home from yeshiva, they would learn through different topics in the gemora, as well as entire masechtos.

After Reb Chaim's marriage, they arranged to learn weekly on Shabbos. They started with the talmud Yerushalmi and they completed it in its entirety. Then they learned Mechilto, Sifro, Sifri, Tosefto, Medrash Rabbo and Medrash Tanchumo. [They would learn one page every week]. The Steipler kept up this chavruso with his son even when he was ill and had high fever, and even when he was suffering tremendously and was extremely weak. He interrupted it only when he had become ill with his final sickness, by which time it was simply impossible for him to learn together any more.

As is known, they ended their final session of learning together in the middle of Parshas Acharei Mos (at the end of parsha 7), with Chazal's question, "From where do we know that the death of tzaddikim atones?" That was where they stopped.

A String of Pearls

I asked the Steipler, "My young son was injured in a road accident and is lying in bed with most of his body encased in a cast. Should I buy games for him to keep him occupied, or should I perhaps be concerned that by playing so much, he'll get addicted to games?"

He answered, "You probably don't have money but you still need to buy the games for him because when a person is not occupied and is bored, they lose their enjoyment of life. A child needs to have a zest for life."

The Steipler said that children should not be told imaginary stories, only true ones, unless they have been told that the story is untrue.

*

"When a certain talmid chochom passed away at a young age, I asked the Steipler whether it was permitted to encourage his young children by telling them that Moshiach would soon come and their father would rise again."

"`One musn't say that,' he told me. `One should tell them that Moshiach could come tomorrow or the next day, or in a week, or a month, or longer. We don't know when [but when he does, their father will rise].' "

*

The Steipler was asked about a child whose cheder had a contest for learning mishnayos by heart. The child was unable to memorize the mishnayos by heart. Should he be spurred on to do so?

He answered that there was no need. To the contrary. The main thing is to understand. The gedolim didn't go to great lengths to learn things by heart.

The Steipler used to say that children's faces have a special charm, which disappears when they grow up and sin.

When the Steipler's grandson became bar mitzva he told him, "When I became bar mitzva, I undertook [to do] a certain piece of good conduct. (He didn't say what it was.) You should also take on some piece of good conduct."

He also said that it used to be the custom in Klal Yisroel that children would see how challoh was separated and burned inside the oven and how the chickens were salted. If any query arose while the food was being prepared the rov would be asked . . . in this way, the children absorbed a healthy dose of yiras Shomayim. Today however, when everything is bought with a hechsher, people don't even know under what conditions a shailoh needs to be asked.


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