The trouble begins when there is mutual fear. The panic-
stricken girl phones her friend, "What one earth shall I do?
My mother-in-law is coming in an hour, the place is a mess
and I have nothing decent to offer her." If it was her mother
who was coming, she would heave a sigh of relief and say,
"Mommy is coming and she'll help me clean up and maybe bake a
cake or two." Meanwhile, Mother-in-law is on the bus, full of
apprehension. "Have I bought the right thing for the baby?
Will I say the correct thing, or perhaps step on a hidden
corn?"
There has been tension between mothers- and daughters-in-law
since time immemorial. There are shvigger jokes in
most cultures, some of them hilarious and many, just a little
too near the bone. The two youngsters who get married are
from different families with different ideas, values and
customs.
For instance, one woman sets great store by a hot cooked meal
at least once a day. Although she is a working mother, this
is one of her priorities. She has been looking after her
precious boy since he was born and now, someone else looks
after him in a less efficient way! Her new daughter-in-law
comes from a home where the mother picked up a pizza when she
came from work and gave the children a tomato to go with it.
Her daughter-in-law does the same thing.
One daughter-in-law laughed and said, "Don't raise your
eyebrows at me; that's the way we eat and everybody is quite
happy." In this particular case, the shvigger was
quite at ease. It cleared the air and the daughter-in-law
spoke as to a friend. What might have happened, though, is
that the daughter-in- law takes umbrage that her mother-in-
law is criticizing her lack of culinary expertise, and/or
that the mother-in-law says or thinks, "How dare she speak to
me in that disrespectfdul way."
Why should a mother-in-law be so afraid of saying the wrong
thing, that she has to weigh every word she utters?
Interference on the part of a mother-in-law causes many
problems, but must she refrain from voicing an opinion? Why
do I glow with pride when my daughter-in-law tells her
friends that I am not really a mother-in-law? Do I treat my
daughters-in-law differently from my daughters?
We want our boys to get married and to be happily married. If
my son drops in on his way home from kollel, or from
work, it is foolish to offer him a meal, or even a snack. If
he sniffs appreciatively, a sensible woman would phone her
daughter-in-law and say, "I've just made a fresh batch of
cakes. Would you like some or are you planning to bake?"
One daughter-in-law declared categorically, "Whatever you
send is appreciated. You never need to ask." On the other
hand, another one complained, "Does she think I don't feed
her precious son enough? Is my own food not good enough?" If
we chose this girl to marry our son, we must have felt she
was good enough. If the young man is happy, it is quite
immaterial if the girl falls short of what we expected.
If a mother-in-law sincerely wants to help her young daughter-
in-law, she first has to accept her for what she is. She must
not be judgmental or critical, even in her mind. She has to
remember that she was young, too, and made her own mistakes.
This is easier said than done and needs a great deal of
thought on how to refine one's character. Young mothers-in-
law are often busy with their own children, and have neither
the time nor the inclination to cavil and find fault.
Older women, especially if they have no other source of
interest except their now grown children, have a much more
difficult time. Their home and their children were their
world. In their minds, how can a young daughter-in-law
possibly look after their treasure as well as they did?
This is where we have to change our middos and point
of view drastically. As mentioned before, this does not mean
that one has to sit in silence, but one can always find
something positive to say. For example, if the house is a
shambles, "I think it is wonderful the way you let your
children cultivate their creative talents when they come from
school. Not many mothers are able to do it." It is wrong to
add the rider, "...at the expense of the housework,' because
that has a hint of criticism.
As for the daughter-in-law, why imagine that your mother-in-
law meant to hurt you? If she says, "I always did/do such and
such," she is making a statement, she is not trying to wound.
Look at this woman who produced and educated your husband,
and find positive traits in her. You may be slow and laid
back, but that doesn't mean you cannot admire this whirlwind.
If you cannot bear to go there for Shabbos meals for some
reason, let your husband put it positively, "I want to start
inviting guests to my table, to see what it feels like." Or,
"We want to devote all of our attention to the children at
our table, but thank you for always being there for us."
Most people have their sensitive points, call them corns, or
call them an Achilles heel, which sting when touched. Just
remember that others do not know that you have a corn right
there! If your mother-in-law says something which makes you
bristle, just imagine she was a stranger. Then you would not
take it as an insult or as criticism; you would just let it
wash over you.
Nowadays, there are many courses and workshops for mother-in-
laws, and also courses for daughters-in-law. These workshops
are an ideal way to discover that other people have the same
experiences which may have turned into problems, and
naturally, it is easier to solve other people's problems than
our own. At one workshop, a woman burst out, "Take my mother-
in-law, for instance. Yes! Take her! I don't want her!" and
another replied, "She's a charming woman. Let's swap." The
counselor then stepped in and showed them how ridiculous they
were being.
There is no question of who is right and who is wrong between
mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. They are both right and
entitled to live their lives as they wish, meanwhile learning
to accept each other for what they are, and perhaps learning
just a little from each other. Neither has to change to
please the other.
One daughter asked her husband's mother the exact
recipe for various dishes. Her husband had not been unwise
enough to compare her cooking with his mother's but she
noticed that the same food which he had left on his plate in
her house, he asked for second helpings when they went to
visit the parents. With one wise move, this daughter-in-law
pleased both her mother-in-law and her husband.
It is not easy to work on human relationships, and even less
easy to work on improving one's middos. Both take
years of endeavor and hard work. But in the end, it pays
off.
