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Home
and Family
Customs and Conventions
by A. Reader
There are very few people who can ignore their surroundings.
Whichever country we Jews happen to live in, we are bound to
be influenced by the people around us. In yeshivos and
seminaries, it is not difficult to guess the origins of a
student even without hearing him/her speak. Whether we judge
the clothes they wear or the way they walk, the students are
usually typical of their birthplace. Not only the outer
trappings are taken from their homeland, but their very way
of thinking, and even their sense of humor are influenced by
their non-Jewish neighbors.
This pervasive influence is rather inevitable, even though
our children are educated in Jewish establishments and do not
mix much with the people around them. Customs, conventions,
proprieties, each country has its own set which,
unfortunately, rubs off onto us, quite involuntarily.
Academic education is regarded almost universally as the most
important aspect of child rearing. However, that depends on
what we mean by education. In previous generations, there
were very few Jewish schools. There were, of course,
chadorim for boys, but very little academic
stimulation for girls. Sara Shenirer saw how intelligent
girls were leaving the fold and turning to secular studies,
and began the revolution which changed the lives of thousands
of girls. Many women of my generation attended good public
schools, or grammar schools as they are known in England.
Nevertheless, our parents felt we were scholastically
ignorant. Our children are decidedly ignorant and our
grandchildren will be absolute peasants as far as secular
education goes. But even the girls by far excel the previous
generations in their knowledge of Torah and minutiae of
mitzvos.
In other countries, it is mainly non-Jews who influence our
thoughts and our values. In Israel, it is secular Jews. Let
us look at what is regarded as "quality of life." Usually, we
pity those who have little money, but are they sorry for
themselves? Stories abound of wives of great men who made do
with practically nothing and rejoiced in their lives. They
did not wallow in self pity. On the contrary, they considered
each expenditure, whether it was truly for a mitzva or
for self indulgence. Even if we feel that we cannot aspire to
reach those heights, there are hundreds of families who live
just that way. It is up to us to demonstrate to our children,
especially at an early age when they are less critical of
their nearest and dearest, that we are not being martyrs; it
is not a sacrifice but a privilege to live in this way. We
want our menfolk to sit and learn, and are proud of
the fact that they do so. Lack of money does not mean a poor
quality of life. It depends on what we make of it.
On the few occasions when my children or even I have visited
beautiful lavish homes, we might bemoan our three-room flat
with its chipped paint and old- fashioned bits of furniture.
I personally might think for a few moments how nice it would
be to have a house like that, but then, I know that it is
very unimportant. We have to explain to the children that an
exquisite house does not always add to quality of life. It
is difficult, though, not to disparage the owners of
these lovely homes, and not to put ourselves above such
mundane things.
There are certain sectors of the community, mainly in Meah
Shearim and maybe even in Bnei Brak, who keep to themselves
and ignore fashions and hairstyles. They do not plaster their
naturally beautiful brides with makeup, nor do the brides
themselves feel the need for it. These people are in the
minority, by far. What makes my teenage daughter, who
certainly tries to abide by the law of Jewish modesty, demand
a skin-tight straight skirt? "But Mommy, nobody wears
a pleated skirt nowadays." (They do, actually. The Beis
Yaakov seminaries in Israel insist on pleated skirts as part
of the uniform.) Why do we adults put tiny girls into these
tight [grey] clothes [with shoulder pads] because of the
demands of fashion? There are hundreds of women out there who
share my opinion, but buy these things/colors "because there
is nothing else to be had."
The trouble is often that we parents lack the courage of our
convictions. When our children blackmail us into making a
more lavish affair than we can well afford, we are afraid to
make them feel different from their peers. When the
aforementioned brides, and the sisters of the brides, insist
on an expensive makeup artist for the day of the wedding, we
do not tell them that it is a needless extra expense. Nor
have we the courage to tell them that they will look much
prettier as they are, with maybe just a touch of color. They
would not agree with us; after all, they have seen all those
glossy magazines and posters.
There is no hard and fast rule about inculcating the correct
values into our children (and into ourselves, too). In the
Chanuka edition of YATED, a young girl wrote about her own
very plain home ("Home, Suite Home"). If her parents have
succeeded in planting these ideals into the whole family,
they have succeeded, indeed. If these children who live in an
affluent society are proud of the fact that theirs is a warm
Jewish home, regardless of the fact that the carpet is worn
and the paint is flaking off the ceiling, they have the
correct values.
Each and every one of us can try to improve by thinking, "Am
I doing this because it is a mitzva, or will lead to
better performance of mitzvos, or am I doing this /
buying this because of what `the world' will think?"
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