It is an integral part of being a mother, to worry. From the
minute a child is born till the end of a mother's life, she
worries. This is a part of life with which we have to cope.
Some worry more, and some less. Some are so laid back that
they are almost horizontal, and some worry so much that they
drive themselves -- and their children -- insane. Holocaust
surivivors had a very hard time when their children were
trying out their wings. The worst had happened to them during
the war, and understandably, they could not face the idea of
any further calamity.
Some normal, capable, intelligent women, with a good sense of
humor turn into quivering jellies when dealing with their own
children or grandchildren. In extreme cases, they need
professional counseling to help them overcome their worries.
However, normal worry is essential for the well-being of a
newborn. A small whimper in the middle of the night will wake
a mother. She and the baby are still one being. It is when
the child grows and the overworried mother does not know how
to relinquish these close ties that the trouble begins.
Let us take the example of food. The child refuses to eat and
the anxious mother feels he will be undernourished. She
trails after him with a plate, begging him to eat. This is
futile worry, as healthy children eat when they are hungry.
Or an eight-year-old who goes out without a coat. He wants to
run, jump, move, to feel free. It is unlikely that he will
catch cold. If a concerned mother wants him wrapped up
warmly, she will either make him an overanxious, stifled
child, later to become an overanxious parent, or turn him
into a rebellious one.
What about crossing the street? Parents have every reason to
worry. However, there comes a time when the child feels
responsible enough to cross on his own. After one or two
excursions together, with Mother supervising, he must be
allowed to go on his own, even though she might be waiting at
home biting her nails.
The whole class is going on a trip which seems highly
dangerous. Is there going to be adequate supervision? Do I
want my child exposed to this sort of experience? As with
crossing the street, this is not needless worry. Each set of
parents has to weigh the options. Is he going to be like
everyone else, while they accrue ever more grey hairs, or are
they going to keep him at home? Some parents on principle do
not let their children participate in these trips and
amazingly, the children grow up well balanced without any
hang-ups. It rather depends on how the permission is
withheld, and the reason it is withheld. If it is plain
nameless worry, take out your Tehillim, grit your teeth and
let him go!
Children are not all born the same. Some are self- confident
by nature, others are more clingy. The latter type will
become more dependent as he matures if he has someone behind
him all day, telling him what to do, when to do it, and how
not to do it. He has little self confidence, which manifests
itself in the fact that he copies others, without initiating
ideas of his own, lest it is not the right thing to do. A
true budding worrier. These are the people who ask advice on
every single step they take in life, instead of discussing
the subject and then, if necessary, asking someone else for
his opinion.
Those children who are born naturally hardy and self reliant
will not tolerate a worrying mother. They will begin to rebel
at an early age, learning to manipulate situations to suit
themselves. As soon as worrying parents try to force these
strong children to adopt their own ideas, they will find they
have met their match. Fortunately, nowadays, there are many
organizations for helping parents and guiding them in the
upbringing of their children.
When does assertiveness turn into aggression, frugality into
miserliness, generosity into squandering... responsibility
into worry?
Unquestionably, parents have a responsibility to their
offspring. They have to know where they are, with whom they
are, and what they are up to. Those parents who do not worry
enough are just as culpable as the overanxious ones.
Children need to know that their parents worry about them,
care about them.
However, parents have to learn when to give more and ever
more independence. A worrying mother who has a good
relationship with her teenage daughter and occasionally lets
her stay out late will be rewarded by a thinking, caring
daughter who will ring up to say when she is coming home. A
rebellious daughter will not consider her mother's feelings
to such an extent that she has to phone her.
However difficult it is, all parents have to learn when to
untie the apron strings and when to `let the child cross the
road on his own' for the first time.
