Opinion & Comment
MOMENT OF KIRUV

TIP 3: RELAX

Even after the first two tips, you are probably beginning to realize the potential. You, hopefully, have gotten them to realize that observant Jews don't hate them; that some, like you, even like them and, as G-d's representative, you have given them a feeling that G-d likes them. All this by just smiling at them.

You have also gotten them to realize the depth of their commitment to G-d and Judaism as shown by their observance of even the smallest of mitzvos.

The next step is to relax. Don't let your excitement over initial successes cause you to begin rushing things. (Here's your new streimel and cholent pot.) People are sensitive, fragile creatures. If they feel pressured, rushed, or just overwhelmed, they will tend to back away or shut down.

Let your conversations be as relaxed and casual as possible. Give them time to let each tip sink in. It is not your job or responsibility to change them overnight. G-d sent you to guide them. Don't get upset over their slow pace or apparent lack of progress. People take time to change.

TIP 4: Italian Restaurants

At some point they may say: "Are you trying to make me religious or something?"

Rather than say "Eh, ah, [cough, cough] no," tell them the truth: "Could anyone make you do anything you don't want to do? Assuming you didn't see me slipping anything into your coffee, then there is really no way I could possibly make you do anything."

This is, of course, absolutely true.

If appropriate you can explain further: "If I knew of a great little Italian restaurant, wouldn't you want me to share it with you? So here we've got this fantastic thing called Judaism. You are already using it and I have some new insights that really work -- how can I not share them with you?"

You could back off at this stage for a few weeks and then start things up again casually. But this moment of tension and then relief actually gives you a great opening to propose a more intense investigation. If he accepts the principal that you cannot make him do anything, then propose, "How about a more intense investigation. (He's thinking, "Intense? Oh My Goodness!") You say: "What about spending five minutes a day looking at a Jewish text together?"

You can handle five minutes a day and he won't object to 5 minutes a day either.

If you have reached the stage of looking at a text, pick something that is available in English with a good quality print. You should avoid halachic sections, as he may be scared away and is (probably) not ready to become observant.

Pirkei Ovos is an excellent choice as it deals with issues that even someone with no religious background can relate to. This will also give him an opportunity to express his opinion. This will help him overcome the fear that entry into the observant world will result in his thoughts and ideas being treated with contempt. Learning a real text will also give him the feeling that it will be possible to actually learn real Jewish texts, even ones that are thousands of years old, despite his lack of background or ability to read Hebrew.

Have him read the text. If appropriate, you can even teach him some of the Hebrew. Discuss it. Ask him what he thinks, how does this apply today? What can we gain out of it? There may be things he does not agree with or does not understand. Tell him: "That's OK. We don't have to understand everything all at once. We have a lifetime to work on it."

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