Thanks for all your letters. We will try to print them
piecemeal.
SUFFERING -- BY ANOTHER NAME (Re: Parshas Voayra)
I LOVED your article about suffering! I agree with
every word.
Allow me please to share with you our recent nisoyon
(I prefer this word) and the benefits we reaped from it.
My dear, beloved father-in-law, z'l, had a stroke
seven months ago which left him half paralyzed, and speech-
and swallowing-impaired. Being a diabetic greatly complicated
the situation. My husband is an only child so this new
challenge fell on us and the children, our oldest being
seventeen. We exposed our children fully to the new
difficulties. We discussed with them all of Saba's new
limitations. We made no niceties about it. They all wanted to
join our challenge.
My children learned how to talk to a grandfather who does not
answer and only sometimes has eye contact. They learned to
give him Ensure to drink even though they hated the smell.
They learned to feed a paralytic and wipe up the dribbles.
They learned the feeling of walking in the street with a
wheelchair.
They sat with him during his many 3-hour treatments for
gangrene on his foot. (You should never have to endure the
smell of rotten flesh, but that's what we had.) For seven
months Saba was the central axis of our lives, until one
Friday night, the Creator of souls decided He wanted him
closer to Him.
We have discussed the benefits of this period a lot and what
we have gained from it. We all learned to give without any
thought of recompense. We learned to see the beautiful soul
that is behind every sick, limited body.
We learned how to put 26 hours of work into a 24-hour day. We
learned the true priorities in life. And we saw unbelievable
siyata dishmaya all along.
We learned to appreciate every aspect of health. We learned
to thank for every minute of life. As my 16- year-old puts
it: "I don't wish this period on anyone -- but now that we've
had it, I wouldn't give it up for anything!"
To all the mothers that are shaking their heads over the long-
term effects such experiences can have on children -- I want
to stress: the children were fully supported all along. They
clearly knew how much they could tolerate and knew when to
say `no.' They all had off-days and pinuk [not
pampering, but T.L.C. time). Even my two-year-old
wanted, on his own, to sit and hold Saba's hand. And
when the hand slipped, he made sure to put it back.
When children are given the right feeling to difficulties and
the listening ear and emotional support along the way, the
nisoyon becomes a beautiful opportunity for self
growth, an enormous amount of personal satisfaction and a way
to come closer to Hashem.
May we only share simchos and happy news, and not lose
the opportunity-challenges that come our way!
R.S., Bnei Brak *
Well, I guess we're not finished with EPIDURALS, since we
have a letter signed by R' Chaim Sternbuch which deserves our
attention:
In reference to your Letter from Nov. 6, the sentence "most
of our frontline halachic authorities, including Hagaon R'
Steinman, shlita, have come out strongly for epidural
where it is requested by the mother" sounds more like
conciliatory, bedi'eved and not lechatchila. It
seems more as if the Rav was merely allowing the poor mother
who insisted on it to have one and not as if the daas
Torah mentioned was wholeheartedly in favor of it.
Speaking with many poskim in Israel on this subject, I
was told unilaterally that for various reasons, they hold
that an epidural is the last resort device, not a mandatory
one for childbirth. Of course, every person should consult
with his Rav on such an issue and not take any ruling for
granted.
[Ed. I am sure that that is exactly what was implied -- that
epidural is only for those who request it and not a mandatory
procedure in childbirth, but endorsed where needed.]
Your letter... forgets to quote one medical source, survey or
study showing that epidural is good and that it reduces
postpartum depression. It is an easy task to discredit, yet
it would interest the average reader to see if there is one
medical study which was done in favor of epidural.
*
RE: BUBBIES AND THE FAMILY CONNECTION, which was,
incidentally, coincided on purpose with the beginning
Parshiyos of Shemos when our people emerge as a nation of
solid-core families, the mainstay of Judaism:
Putting together the wonderful articles you just ran on
grandmothers and grandfathers, I get a composite picture of a
lot of love and attention, good old T(ender) L(oving) C(are)
that may not be reaching our children by attrition because we
are all `busy.'
The most precious beings in the world, our children, are
sometimes not given enough attention. Many formal programs
and formats abound -- while the old-fashioned, simple and
unpretentious connections are sometimes considered a `chore'
or `tension generating.'
If family gatherings become very elaborate (five forkers, we
used to say in the old country), there may be fewer
gatherings. And if having the married kids over for Shabbos
means five different salads, three cakes and two desserts
etc. we might opt for a quiet Shabbos alone.
If phone calls become very lengthy, we call less often. If
grandmothers feel that every one of her visits entails
multiple presents, nosh, clothing and toys, these may dwindle
out.
Some grandparents correspond with picture postcards with
small personal greetings, or talk on the phone to each child
at their level. Whatever -- keep your Bubby hotline. Ask
Bubby to daven, even for simple colds, or to send
blessings for upcoming tests and minor crises like dentist
visits etc.
Another reader
*
STRENGTHENING THE TRIPLE GENERATION STRAND
And while you're on the topic of Bubbies, grandchildren can
be encouraged to send letters or their artistic creations,
pix, presents to Bubby and Zeidy, or to FAX them tests with
good marks etc. whether they live abroad or around the
corner.
It makes for excellent connection. So many hours of fun and
creativity can be shared long distance. Calls can bridge the
gap. I know of grandfathers who learn on the phone with
grandsons and granddaughters who call Bubby for her best
recipes or eitzes.
Then there are the stay-at-home Mommies who graduated to
become at-home Bubbies. They see grandchildren on a weekly
basis and seem to be `there' for the kids. Some who don't
live too far are delegated as loose-tooth- pullers, with a
fee that goes with it (two shekel paid for the privilege of
pulling each tooth, pulled without fuss, one shekel for teeth
that fell on their own).
I'd like to close with thanks for opening up this topic.
A multi-time Bubby
*
RE: MAINSTREAMING SPECIAL NEEDS STUDENTS
I have a story about a caring person, a headmaster at a
Jewish day school in Johannesburg with about 1000 students
and a huge campus.
At the time, there were a number of parents who had arranged
transportation for their children, one of whom had a serious
heart problem. Her mother asked me to find out if the bus
might be allowed to enter the grounds, despite regulations,
and deliver `Sarah' at the doorstep.
The headmaster was a strict disciplinarian but was willing to
make an exception in Sarah's case and have the bus drive in
to the teachers' parking lot. He also asked the teachers to
come to Sarah's class instead of the students moving from
room to room.
This story came to mind after reading ("The Grant", Parshas
Miketz) about a mother's struggle with enrolling a CP son of
normal intelligence into a standard yeshiva.
I think yeshiva administrations can learn a lesson from this
special headmaster. Having CP or Downs children of
near/average intelligence placed in yeshivos or day schools
would be an opportunity for the other students to be grateful
for what they have and to help those who are not as
fortunate, but deserve a fair portion of their Jewish
heritage. Some of the former could volunteer time to help
these other children, perhaps on a rotation basis. Certainly
both of the learning partners would benefit and it would be a
tremendous kiddush Hashem.
Bertha Joffe, Haifa [a reader who takes a keen interest in
the paper, calls in to comment and distributes the paper to
boost circulation].
