An Everlasting Connection
Freidel and Yankele grew up in a Polish shtetl and
quite a few people proposed a match between them.
Engagements were not overly common at this time, since
the war machine of Hitler was overtaking Eastern
Europe. Before the match was finalized, Poland was
invaded. Freidel and Yankele went their separate ways.
Years passed and all contact was lost between the two
families. One family settled in Canada and one on the
Eastern seaboard of the USA. The match was not in the
forefront of anyone's memories until one unforgettable
evening.
Toronto, Canada. The dining room of the A. family is
packed with relatives and friends at an engagement
party. An elderly gentleman is delivering a special
Mazel Tov address.
"I will now fill you in on the extraordinary
Hashgocha Protis of this engagement. The
chosson and kalla don't know this, but
years ago, a shidduch was proposed and nearly
announced between their grandparents. At the
time, we thought that it was the war which prevented
the engagement. It seems that in Heaven, the match
between the families was not forgotten; it was proposed
-- but postponed..."
From Mir to Jerusalem
Another joyous engagement at a different time and
place. Yerusholayim ir hakodesh. 1990s. The room
is electric with excitement. An uncle of the
chosson has the floor.
"Years ago, I knew two young men in the Mir Yeshiva.
Yankel and Avigdor were talmidim in the renowned
Mirrer Yeshiva and both of them traveled with it as it
was exiled from Poland to Shanghai. The bochurim
survived under miraculous circumstances and shared
everything, becoming as close as family. Yankel and
Avigdor were roommates and study partners who stuck
together through thick and thin.
"After the war, Yankel emigrated to America and Avigdor
eventually reached Eretz Yisroel. They both married and
built beautiful families, only to pass away shortly
afterwards. They are gone, but I feel that they are
with us in spirit tonight to enjoy this simcha,
as their grandchildren become engaged and cement an old
relationship in a binyon adei ad."
Lavan's Halocho and the Snowball Effect
Time marches on and families grow and expand in a
blessed manner while other families with children of
marriageable age seem to be at a standstill. We can't
fathom the ways of Hashem and if our children marry
early, we should not pat ourselves on the back and
think we've accomplished something terrific, or
conversely, if our children are older and still
unattached, we don't have to `take a guilt trip.'
Nevertheless, we must make the maximum effort for their
sake and keep looking for avenues to pursue.
One area begs attention. Call it the Domino Theory and
the Snowball Effect, or Lavan's Halocho. Some families
have the custom of marrying off children in their
chronological age sequence and are unwilling to marry
off a younger eligible child if it means skipping over
an older single sibling. This custom is in deference to
the feelings of the sibling standing in the way, and it
has a precedence in the Torah. Lavan explained to
Yaakov that he gave Leah away first in keeping with the
local custom of marrying off children in age order and
not skipping over eligible singles. This tradition can,
at times, create a long line of eligibles-in-waiting.
Speaking to gedolei Torah may shed a new light on
this custom. When questioned about this custom, R'
Chaim Kanievsky once answered, "It is true that a
parent has an obligation to marry off his children in
chronological order, but if a child feels ready to get
married and is being delayed by an older single
sibling, s/he can ask his parents to go ahead and seek
shidduchim for him even if this involves
skipping. Sometimes, the marriage of younger siblings
will bring good luck and blessing to the older child."
Tzvi was almost hitting 30 but still had not found his
`intended.' An excellent match was suggested for his 21-
year-old brother, Boruch, who hadn't yet started to
think about marriage. But the more the family heard
about the proposal, the better it sounded. Within a few
weeks, they both gave a resounding `yes' and a new
Jewish home was about to be established.
The new couple wished to extend their happiness and the
new wife, Chani, proposed a match for her older brother-
in-law: a co-teacher in her school for special ed. As
they say in Morocco, "Sometimes the younger child has
to open the door for the older child." The two people
met and in short order, the problem of skipping over
was entirely forgotten.
HaRav Shach zt'l was once approached by parents
who were debating whether to skip over one of their
children and go on to the next eligible child. He told
them to go right ahead and commented that it was too
bad that they hadn't asked him this question earlier.
It is certainly better to ask a shaila which has
a long range effect on several people than trying to
second-guess daas Torah, which may come up with
different answers for differing situations. In many
cases, the family is too emotionally involved to think
of inquiring about this custom and undue damage is
wrought. On the other hand, waiting sometimes has
unforeseen repercussions.
R., a young man in the prime of his life, was in a
nearly fatal car accident. He was hospitalized for
almost a year in a comatose state. Much to the doctors'
surprise, he came out of it and underwent thorough
physiotherapy for three long years.
Unbelievable as it may seem, his young brother actually
waited for him to emerge from the coma, complete
therapy and get married, before he even started to look
for a mate. This story is so unusual that it must
remain without comment or analysis. We do not know the
ways of Hashem and, of course, every family should ask
their own rabbi for directions in making such crucial
decisions.
*
Barbara and Chaim met and were ready to become engaged.
Frantic calls and arrangements had to be made long
distance, since the boy's parents were abroad and the
couple-to-be had met in Eretz Yisroel under the
auspices of the girl's family. All signals seemed to
be: GO. A date was set, a hall was arranged, food was
prepared for an engagement party. The mechutonim
were slated to meet and get on with the celebration.
Shortly after the parents landed in Eretz Yisroel, one
of the relatives made an `innocuous' comment to the
prospective chosson, "I guess you asked your
brother Yossi for permission to pass him up." Actually,
he hadn't, and wasn't intending to, either. Not
everyone has a custom of waiting for older siblings,
though in Eretz Yisroel this custom is more strongly
adhered to.
Once the subject came up, the parents took it in stride
and asked their son to ask permission. Yossi did not
regard this step as a mere formality and in fact, did
not give the couple permission to get engaged. A lot of
pressure was applied until the O.K. was finally given.
Not everyone might feel comfortable with such a
grudging O.K. But getting engaged takes a leap of faith
and this was one part of it.
*
Shira was considered an Israeli-American. Born in
Jerusalem, bred in New York, she had contacts on both
sides of the ocean. All she was waiting for was "that
one special boy." Was that asking too much?
22, 23, 24. Abba and Ima were worried. Bubby and Zeidy
were really anxious. Bubby has a regular chessed
route. She skips from hospital to old age home,
spreading cheer and bringing treats to shut-ins. At the
end of a long day, she came upon a new immigrant from
Russia who cared for an elderly gentleman. Chaim
happened to mention that he had a wonderful son in one
of the top yeshivos in Eretz Yisroel. You didn't have
to take his word for it: just ask anyone in yeshiva
about him!
Bubby decided to pursue the matter; it was worth a try.
She got her children involved in the search. The match
did not blossom overnight. A year later, Shira took a
trip to Israel. And it proved worth the price of the
ticket. For even though the two young people had grown
up in different lands and different cultures, they put
their differences aside and decided to join forces.
They recognized the hand of Providence in bringing them
together.
