Most children have times when they become emotionally
or physically highly charged, but some children are
`intense' by nature. "Intensity," according to M.
Kurcinca, author of Raising Your Spirited Child,
"includes strong emotional reactions as well as an over-
abundance of uncontrolled physical energy." This may
include loud emotional reactions to many situations.
Children can be taught to recognize and deal with their
intensity with help from their parents.
To help children tone down their intense behavior,
first recognize the cues that indicate its onset, says
Kurcinca.
A parent who recognizes his child's building intensity
can take preventive measures to calm him. Some cues
that might indicate growing intensity are: limit
testing, intensified volume, becoming argumentative,
becoming fussy or irritable and becoming more
physically active.
A child who is intense by nature should learn to view
himself positively. Negative labels such as aggressive,
loud, moody or hyper can be replaced with positive
ones. A child who sees himself as enthusiastic,
expressive, dramatic or full of energy will have a
healthy self-image and will demonstrate more socially
acceptable behavior than a child who views himself
negatively.
An intense child can be taught to recognize the signs
of his growing intensity, according to Kurcinca. A
parent who uses words to label his child's feelings
will teach the child to recognize and label his own
emotions before things get out of control. A child who
can express his emotions is less likely to resort to
aggression. Some examples include: I'm feeling edgy.
/ I feel like I need to get out. / My muscles feel
tight. / I'm so frustrated. / I'm losing control. / I
feel a buzzing all over -- like electricity.
Teach children to recognize rising energy through a
game. Choose three songs that your child likes. The
first song should be slow, relaxing music. The second
song should be medium tempo and the third, loud,
intense music. Have your child move with the music,
either dancing, walking or running in time with the
song. After each song, ask the child to describe in
words how his body felt. Later, you can tell your child
which activity level you would like him to be at. He
can also describe his feelings using the words he
learned in the game to express himself and prevent
conflict.
A child whose intensity is rising needs activities that
will soothe and calm him. Repetitive motions such as
movement of the jaw are very soothing. Repetitive
motion activities would include swinging, rocking,
jumping rope, drinking from a straw, chewing gum or
sucking on a candy. This is why babies suck hard on a
pacifier when they are beginning to fret.
Sensory activities are also soothing. These would
include water and sand play, or clay and play dough.
Stretching and pounding clay, play dough or real dough
allows a child to release tension and calm down. Taking
a bath calms many children.
Quiet activities can also help reduce intensity.
Read to your child, tell him a story with the lights
dimmed or draw a calming scene to help him change gears
from Activity Level 3 to Activity Level 1. Some
children like to read independently to calm themselves
down.
A Relaxation Kit can be prepared and stored away
when intensity levels start to rise. You can ask your
child what to include in this special kit to help him
lower his intensity level. Some suggestions are: a
relaxing tape, a soothing picture such as a scenic
Swiss mountain scene, some games to be played alone, a
jigsaw puzzle or a booklet of paper activities like
follow-the-dots and mazes, even drawing. If your
relaxation kit is enticing, your child will look
forward to using it.
Relaxation is an excellent tool for a child whose
intensity level is building up. Teach your child deep
breathing with bubble blowing. Have him take a big
breath and, exhaling slowly, see how big a bubble he
can blow. You can also teach your child to imagine he
is a big balloon. When he inhales, the balloon fills
with air; when he exhales, the air slowly seeps out. A
hand on the stomach will determine if the breathing is
being done correctly.
Help your child relax his muscles by tensing one muscle
group at a time, then relaxing them: i.e. face muscles,
right arm, then left arm, a deep breath, then stomach
muscles, then right leg and left leg. Have him go
through the muscle groups several times. Calming music
helps the relaxation process. Enlist your child's help
in the relaxation process. Ask him if there is a place
he has been to or seen pictures of which calms him
down. After he has relaxed his muscles, have him close
his eyes and take him on a pretended tour of his
choice. Begin a tour as your child gets on the bus or
in the car, and describe what he sees along the way.
Then describe what he sees when he arrives, and
finally, describe his trip home. While he's there,
remind him of all the wonderful mitzvos he has
done lately and allow him to feel proud of himself.
You and your child can use any image or metaphor to
help him calm down. He may imagine he is a piece of
popcorn bouncing around and then settling down after it
is cooked, or a snowflake blowing in the wind and
finally settling down. Have your child act out the
image.
There are several games to be used when a child becomes
overactive. When your child is calm, ask him to make
believe he has several pretend buttons on his body that
can help him to calm down. Ask him to locate the
voice control button, the speed button and
the power button. Practice lowering the volume
with your child, using the speed button, have your
child move in slow motion. The power button can be used
for a temporary shut down of electricity. Another idea
is to have two power control buttons, one to control
the body and another to control the brain. You can ask
your child to shut down his body and power up his
brain. This will allow him time to think of a
constructive way to calm and soothe himself.
Once you have practiced these games with your child,
you can try to use them when energy levels become high.
Make sure to keep your sense of humor and make it fun
for your child to use the techniques.
Masha Wolf is available for child therapy, play
therapy, group therapy and consultations with parents
and schools. 02-656-2172.
