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PARENTING WITH MENUCHA
Failures and Victories
by Menucha Fuchs
Parenting expert, counselor, author of dozens of books
for children and adults
Success has many parents, as the saying goes in Hebrew,
while failure is always an orphan. Our society loves a
winner, while we are much less tolerant of losers.
However, if you think about it, you'll realize that the
greatest winners built their success out of a heap of
failures. This is not something people notice, for the
simple reason that no one talks about it. No one likes
to tout their failures. They would rather talk about
their successes while patting themselves on the back
and putting their failures out of sight and out of
mind.
It is hard to change the world, and it is impossible to
force society to have a different outlook on failure,
but as parents, we can make it easier on our children
by helping them to understand that failure is neither a
disgrace nor a sign of unworthiness. It is only a
building block on the road to success. This is how we
learn, and through learning and drawing conclusions, we
can build a complete structure.
1. The first thing which parents must avoid doing is
acting as if we, as parents, never fail. Even if I
don't know each and every one of you, dear readers, I
can safely assume that you also fail, just as I do, and
just as my parents did, and as do all human beings. By
legitimizing failure, our children will understand that
in order to climb and reach the top of the mountain,
sometimes we must take a fall in the process, and this
happens to everyone -- big and small, smart and not so
clever.
It is difficult for parents to admit that they make
mistakes and fail, just as it is difficult in general
for people to admit to their own faults. What happens
when someone slips and falls on the sidewalk? They
hurriedly get up and without even examining themselves
to see if they're hurt, they quickly look around -- who
saw them fall? What will people think of them now? What
will they say etc.?
Unfortunately, we are used to thinking that someone who
fails is an automatic failure, or stupid, or hopeless,
and we don't want these labels to stick to us as
parents. However, it is very important for children to
see that we also fail. The child figures, "If my Ima,
whom I admire so much, can make mistakes, then
obviously, it is impossible never to fail." It is also
a sign that it's not so terrible to blunder. This is an
important lesson for every child.
2. A child who imbibes the lesson that he is never
allowed to err will be a weak child who is scared to
try and is afraid to invest any effort. He will feel
that it's better not to try rather than to strive and
fail. As parents, it's not enough that we fail, it's
more important to point this out to a child who is
afraid of failing. "I also failed" -- is a key phrase.
"Look how hard I tried to make this dinner a success,
and I failed!" "I really wanted these shnitzels to come
out tasty, and they're burnt to a crisp!" A parent who
is not afraid to express himself openly to his children
will not be considered less in their eyes, or be loved
less, or be considered less intelligent; he will only
be teaching them that failure is a part of normal life,
and an integral part of succeeding without pressure.
3. In everyday life, consciously or not, we let our
children understand that failure is something
insupportable. So when our three-year-old takes a box
of eggs and hurries over to the refrigerator and in the
process, the carton falls and the eggs break, we
exclaim, "Oh my goodness, who gave you permission to
touch the eggs? Don't ever touch them again!" We don't
realize that these spontaneous words blurted out are
already forming a negative image of the word `failure'
in his mind. When we criticize a child for receiving a
low mark on a test he studied well for, we are
conveying the message, "You failed. It's the end of the
world!"
Instead of reacting so spontaneously, let's think
before we speak. The milk has already been spilled.
Whatever happened, happened. This is the time to make
improvements by reminding our child that everyone
fails, that it also happened to us, and not let the
issue of failure take over in our house. The faster we
get away from the topic to other matters, the better
for everyone in the family.
4. Failure can be a stepping stone, but only on
condition that we learn from each failure. This doesn't
mean we have to spell the lesson out each time aloud. A
child who fails on a test because he didn't study knows
very well what the reason is and what his obligations
are. He doesn't need our reminder. "You see? I knew you
wouldn't pass. Why didn't you study more?" A child who
drops a glass because he was careless, knows exactly
what happened. So instead of `telling' on him of
something obvious, let us accept his failure as a fact.
On the other hand, we can discuss the conclusions with
him, so long as we're not doing it out of anger. "Let's
think about what you can do next time so that it
doesn't happen again." Or, "Let's talk about it;
perhaps together we'll be able to find a solution to
this problem." When we approach the issue this way, our
child won't be afraid to try out new things and he'll
know that if he does not succeed, nothing will happen.
5. The road to success is paved with failures, and only
those who encountered failures and faced difficulties
were able to deal with them without worrying about them
too much. Why pretend that they don't exist? Remember:
it's easier to guard against the expected than the
unexpected, and besides, it's impossible to deny
reality: life is full of obstacles. After one fails, he
should try to see what caused it and learn for the next
time. If we always clear the path of rocks for our
children, they will never know that if they trip over a
stone, they will fall. In order to grow and develop, it
is also necessary to fail. Let's not clear the path of
obstacles each and every time for our children; they
are his milestones for the future.
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