Mazel Tov! My daughter had a baby!
It's three o'clock in the morning and I'm exploding with the
good news, wanting to shout it from the rooftops. I'm a
grandmother! The only one in the whole world!
It's a completely different feeling from having your own
first baby. First of all, physically, it is a good deal
easier to give birth by proxy, even if you do suffer
emotionally along with your daughter. Secondly, it is not
your responsibility to take care of the dozens of things
involved in bringing a child into the world. As each
successive grandchild is born, the thrill is always there,
although, naturally, not like that first ecstasy.
You had your own children (otherwise, you would not now be a
grandmother). The saying, "Little children, little problems,
big children, big problems" has much truth in it. When they
were little, you were mistress of your domain. The children
went to bed (more or less) when you told them to. They ate
what you gave them, again, more or less, and were totally
dependent on you in every way. As they grew older, they
developed their own independence both in thought and in deed,
till finally, they left the nest to get married. But the fact
is, "My son is my son until he finds him a wife; my
daughter's my daughter, the rest of her life." You are still
a mother, and now, also a grandmother. Has anything
changed?
In the first place, you have. With the birth of a
first child, many people have numerous ideals, principles and
theories on child rearing. You vowed that you would never
repeat the mistakes which you feel your parents made when
they were bringing you up. Which is possibly the reason why
the percentage of first children with problems is greater. As
the family increases, parents mellow. They realize that the
world is not going to come to an end if they change their
minds occasionally, or if they stretch a point a times. The
woman who said, "I used to have six principles and no
children and now I have six children and no principles," made
a valid point which applies to many mothers.
Mothers feel quite rightly that if the children go to bed too
late, they will not function adequately the next day. If a
child falls asleep before he has eaten supper, he will not
sleep as soundly and may awaken for a meal in the middle of
the night.
Grandmothers do not have to deal with the fractious child the
next day. They do not have to get up in the middle of the
night for a hungry child who seems to be crying for no
reason. Thus, when they say, "Nothing will happen if he goes
to bed late one night," it is not only that they have
mellowed; they have forgotten the consequences.
Grandmothers are more concerned about grandchildren's
everyday activities than they were with their own children.
They are often worried about toddlers climbing onto chairs.
When they fall off, which does happen occasionally,
grandmothers are more worried than they were as mothers. An
older sibling who is still a little girl herself might be
holding the baby. Grandmother thinks she might drop him, and
has forgotten that her own older children held the baby,
too.
The second thing which has changed is that the children are
not your responsibility. They are mostly brought or sent to
you when they are neat and clean. When you are tired of them,
you can send them home. When it doesn't suit you, you needn't
have them at all! This article is not discussing the tragic
cases which we have unfortunately witnessed, when the parents
of the child are unable to look after them and grandparents
are left literally holding the baby.
Grandmothers are much younger nowadays than they used to be,
and thus, they are not always professional grandmothers as
they were in the `olden days,' or like the grandmothers of
story books. Many of these younger grandmothers still have
young children of their own, besides going out to work. Those
children who grew up in the war or after the war without
grandparents, often tell their own children how fortunate
they are to have several sets of grandparents and even great-
grandparents. There is a general consensus amongst most
people of the world that the relationship is special.
Children, especially teenagers, often confide in grandparents
far more than in their own parents. Moreover, these teenagers
who may be quite critical of their own parents, have an
easygoing relationship with the older generation which
accepts them and are accepted in turn for what they are. The
TLC (tender loving care, which is a term used for the
undivided attention lavished on one particular child), is
invaluable, especially when there is a large family and it is
humanly impossible for a mother to devote more than a small
amount of quality time to each individual child. Very often,
a child with problems, even educational problems, benefits
greatly from this TLC.
Grandmothers, and grandfathers too, can do a great deal for a
child who seems to clash with his siblings with unacceptable
frequency. Apart from this, a `special' child also benefits
greatly from the love a grandmother can bestow for a couple
of hours a day. One further point in this special
relationship: when a mother recognizes her own shortcomings
in a particular child, she might get particularly worried or
irritated by these traits, albeit subconsciously. A
grandmother is unbiased and will love this child as she loved
his mother!
Mothers who were adamant about the rule of no sweets and junk
foods except for Shabbos and Rosh Chodesh when their children
were younger, now distribute goodies liberally when the
grandchildren come to visit, often to the parent's amazement
and dismay. There is no rule that grandmothers have to spoil
the children outrageously, nor do they have to keep buying
gifts to keep the children's love. Nevertheless, if Bubbie
knows a child is craving for a particular toy or an item of
stationery, surely it is within her purview to supply it, if
she wishes. There is certainly the occasional `cupboard love'
which children often show for generous strangers, but
usually, as mentioned, there is a genuine feeling of
affection and love towards a grandmother.
It is not wise for a mother to say to a child sharply, "You
can do this in Bubbie's house, but not in mine," if the child
is misbehaving. Reprimand the child if you wish, but don't
bring in the grandmother. If, then, the child says, "But by
Bubbie I..." you can say, "That's fine, if she lets you. But
here you can't."
It is remarkable that even if a mother does not have a close
relationship with her own mother or mother-in-law, as the
child matures, he or she will often gravitate towards the
grandmother. Grandparents whose daughter or son does not
display the same attitudes to life as they did, and whose
home is not exactly in the tradition which they expected it
to be, often ask themselves where they went wrong. What could
they have done better? Why can't the youngsters run the home
in the way they saw it? Sensible grandparents will not try to
manipulate the grandchildren, who will benefit from their
personal example, and form their own opinions, as youngsters
do.
We all pray that grandchildren should be a source of
nachas to parents, grandparents and all previous
generations.
