Once, a yeshiva bochur well into his
forties, never
married but who had recently become engaged, was
explaining
what had happened. "I decided," said he, "that what was
missing was a decision on my part. That is, I had to decide,
and I
could have decided on that lamppost over there, so to
speak of
course. I decided on her."
In parshas Ki Seitzei it also
says: . . .
vechoshakto voh, velokachto lecho le'ishoh -- . .
. and
you will want her, and take her for a wife.
What do they
mean? Does it make sense at all? Does he mean
just take
anyone?
Everyone knows that marriage is a partnership. The search
for
marriage is the effort to find a partner. There are two sides,
independent, each looking to find someone with whom to build a
Jewish home.
Everyone knows that it is important to have a clear
idea of
what you are looking for, and to constantly clarify and
revise
this idea. A common suggestion for those who are have the time
(because they are not yet married) is to revise this list and
try
constantly to eliminate those points that can be
eliminated. Whittle
it down to the bare minimum. Which of
those things you have listed as
requirements do you really
need, and which can you live without? Try
to prepare yourself
to live without as many of them as you feel that
you possibly
can.
This is good advice. However, there may be an
even more
radical approach that may be used in some cases. Some might
even want to use it lechatchilah, though it is
certainly not
necessary to do so. According to this approach,
you can cross out
your whole list!
As we said before, the search for marriage is
the search for a
partner. In searching for a partner, the usual
approach is to
search for someone who fits your needs as you can
define them,
perhaps as minimally as possible. Someone with whom to
grow
and to build a proper Jewish home.
Yet there is another side
to the process. Just as you are
searching for someone to meet your
needs, so your spouse-to-be
is searching for someone to meet his or
her needs. Why not try
to help them?
In addition to
looking for someone to meet your needs, try to
see if you think that
you meet the needs of the people you
meet. Don't just think of
yourself; think of your mate. When
thinking about what you are
looking for, think also about what
sort of person you can help the
most. When meeting a
prospective spouse, consider also whether you
can help them
grow and reach their potential in life.
Adding this
element to one's search for a marriage partner is
reasonable and most
definitely beneficial for everyone. It
makes the approach less
selfish and will certainly make a
resulting marriage better since the
relationship will be based
on a broader, more mutual approach than if
you just consider
your own needs. It is obvious that consideration
for your
spouse is an important element in building a proper Jewish
home, and with this approach, that consideration is
incorporated in
the earliest stages of the relationship,
starting from when you first
meet.
If you are willing -- and able -- and maybe a little
desperate
if necessary -- there is a more radical approach that you
may
want to try. That is to throw out your entire list of what you
need, and focus exclusively on what you can do for a
prospective
spouse. Forget completely about what you can take
from a marriage and
think only about what you can give to
one.
This voluntary
approach is completely selfless. Evaluate each
prospective mate for
whether you can help him/her grow and
reach his/her potential. If you
want to, you can ignore your
own needs entirely and just consider
whether the prospective
spouse is someone that you can help. If so,
then go. It
matters not whether he/she is great or small, simple or
sophisticated, or whatever -- except, of course, insofar as
those
attributes or others affect your ability to give to
them. If you see
an opportunity to give, then grab it.
A marriage based on this
approach is truly lesheim
Shomayim. It is quite the opposite
of what is common
nowadays, when everyone is just interested in what
is in "it"
for them.
This is an elevating interpretation of ". .
. and you will
want her, and take her for a wife." Simply and
entirely based
on your ability and desire to help another, you choose
him/her.
This is also the intention and insight of that older
bochur: you can choose to marry someone. It is up to
you to
decide.
