What is a perfectionist? That rather depends on whom you ask.
Some feel it is a negative trait; others think of it as a
positive attribute. The definition of a perfectionist is one
who wishes to attain perfection in all that he undertakes,
although there may be seemingly easy-going individuals who
are perfectionists in one particular field. This is a very
laudable ambition and the person should in theory be admired
by all with whom he comes into contact. Unfortunately, the
perfectionist does not always stop short at perfecting
himself. He wants his surroundings and the people with whom
he comes into contact to be perfect, too.
In its positive form, perfectionism provides a driving energy
which leads to great achievement. Whether it is a young man
battling with a difficult sugya or an author who keeps
writing and rewriting till the finished article reaches the
standard he has set for himself, or a housewife who drives
herself till every nook and cranny of her home is sparkling.
They all share a persistence and single mindedness to achieve
the high standard they have set themselves and they derive a
real sense of satisfaction in their painstaking efforts, so
that the actual achievement of the goal is of secondary
importance. Persevering, high achiever, striving for
excellence, are all positive descriptions of a
perfectionist.
A more negative side to this trait is that perfectionists
often set themselves impossibly high standards. They are
people who strain compulsively and unremittingly towards
impossible goals, and measure their own worth by
accomplishments and achievements. They are unable to feel
satisfaction, because in their own eyes, they never quite
achieve this unattainable goal. They pay selective attention
to their achievements, criticizing themselves for mistakes or
failures, but downplaying their successes. Negative effects
of perfectionism are more likely to be felt when an
individual is a perfectionist in all areas of life, rather
than in one particular field.
Let us begin with the child who displays very early symptoms
of being a perfectionist. As a pupil in class, he is a joy.
His work is neat and accurate, albeit that there are many
black patches and even holes in his written work where he has
rubbed out and repeatedly corrected words which were not to
his liking. His work is very slow and painstaking, because he
will not allow it to be less than perfect. Thus, a straight
line might take him ten times longer to draw than his
classmates.
Moreover, his social awareness may be far from perfect. It
may take him many years to learn that not all people are the
same. That people do not like to be corrected and instructed
at all times. He may have to learn the hard way that humans
like to do their own thing, even if they know full well that
they are not doing it the right way. The child does not yet
realize that what is important to him may be completely
unimportant to his peers. How to deal with perfectionism and
channel it in a positive direction in yourself or your child
will perhaps be dealt with in another article.
As the child matures, he may become very unpopular. Part of
this unpopularity might stem from sheer jealousy. Teachers
praise him, so classmates might call him `teacher's pet'.
Unlike the extremely clever, easygoing child who gets full
marks in all exams without any effort, he has worked hard and
anything short of 100% leaves him devastated. On the whole, a
perfectionist is not a very happy person. After all, he knows
he is not perfect!
Perfectionism is almost an inevitable part of the gifted
child (not to be confused with a normal clever child). He has
no one to compete with, and the work is too easy, so the only
challenge that he can create is accomplishing the work
perfectly. Parents of gifted children are often unjustly
blamed for their child's perfectionism! Besides the gifted
child, first children and children of exceptionally critical
parents also tend to be perfectionists. Their perfectionism
is more of a socially prescribed trait, rather than an inborn
one.
Which leads us to consider this child as he is at home. One
cannot generalize, but often the perfectionist sees that his
siblings get more attention, which in his mind is translated
as love. They need reminding to do their homework and indeed,
often need help. On the whole, as mentioned, it is always the
people who are capable and gifted in one field or another who
become perfectionists. Thus they do not need the help which
weaker children do. A girl who does the dishes and leaves a
sparkling kitchen is a treasure in the house. Nevertheless,
she is not always easy to live with. Yanky steps over the
still wet, clean floor to get a drink from the fridge. He
leaves dirty finger marks on the door, and then puts his used
cup on the gleaming counter. You don't have to be a
perfectionist to sympathize with the girl. Somehow, though,
she will take it personally. A patient mother will have to
explain that household chores are worth doing well, but have
to be done constantly.
There are the rare people who are hard on themselves, and
make great demands on themselves but are lenient towards
others. These are wonderful people to have around. They do
favors gracefully, and although they have a large family and
many commitments, they are never too busy. One doesn't hear
them boasting about their achievements and how much they have
done during the day. In short, these people make others feel
good, even while they are helping them. Once again, it is a
question of good character traits.
A working mother who is a perfectionist has a hard life. She
has to achieve at work, and as a wife and as a mother,
besides being a perfect housekeeper. If it is an inborn
trait, she will be able to cope with life and even enjoy each
challenge as it comes. If she is unhappy about herself, she
must teach herself that work is worth doing well, but it
doesn't have to be a consuming passion. It takes a lifetime
to work on one's middos, whatever they are. So if you
know yourself to be a perfectionist, be proud of the fact and
work on it till you are not devastated by a failure and until
you realize that human beings do err occasionally. Someone
once wrote that perfectionism is a two edged sword that has
the potential for propelling an individual to unparalleled
greatness, or plummeting one into despair. The secret of
harnessing its energy is to appreciate its positive force,
learn how to set priorities and not to impose your own high
standards on others.
