"Siblings fight," as the saying goes. As amazing as it might
seem, there always were [starting with Kayin and Hevel] and
probably always will be fights between siblings. How is it
that those who are closest, and who should love each other
the most (in spite of the clashes), fight without end?
The answer is very clear. The closer people are, the more
they fight. The further away they are, the less conflicts and
arguments take place. People living in the same country are
bound to have more arguments between them than those living
in a different country. People living in the same building
will have more clashes than those living in separate
buildings. And people living in the same house and occupying
the same space will certainly have more to argue about than
others. Being together under the same roof and bumping into
each other does not make it easier to keep the peace. There
are lines for the bathroom and the shower. Keeping order in
the bedrooms or arranging them a certain way demands
consistency. When should the lights go out? What time should
the alarm go off in the morning? All these simple situations
are a basis for disagreement and constant friction.
Members of the family are a microcosm of society. And just as
in society there is friction, in this mini-society the
differences of opinion are not lacking. Sometimes we think
that if they're siblings, they'll definitely think the same
way, and behave in the same manner. But this is not
realistic. Brothers and sisters may be completely different,
with different outlooks and ideas, hopes and demands.
Besides this, since siblings are usually children of the same
parents, this leads to jealousy and rivalry between them. All
the children want to glean words of encouragement and praise
from their parents, and when this is not forthcoming and they
see that another sibling is favored instead, they become
jealous. In turn, jealousy leads to endless arguments and
fights. What should the parents do? How are they to deal with
these noisy, jealous children who are constantly bickering
and claiming their attention?
1. Don't get involved in their fights.
When parents get involved in their children's arguments, this
only makes it worse and will only increase the animosity
between the two sides. When several children are in
competition, their main goal is to attract the parent's
attention. Each one wants to be loved and related to as if he
were an only child. As soon as the parent gets involved and
defends one of the children, their reason for fighting is now
justified and they continue on and on.
"Ima, tell him," or "I'll tell Ima on you," are some of the
typical expressions children use. Once children manage to
enlist their mother in the game, they've won. When she agrees
with one of the children, he gets the attention he craves,
and when she gets upset at the other contender, he also gets
attention, albeit in a negative way. Children get used to
vying for the mother's attention that way. The mother also
gets used to falling into the trap. The problem is that she
might know how she got in, but she surely doesn't know how to
get out of it -- and she's left angry, exhausted, and upset
that her children don't know how to get along with each
other.
But Ima is not a judge, has never learned to try a case, and
there is no reason for her to know how to be an arbitrator.
This is what she must explain to her children before she gets
too deep in the mud, without being able to extricate herself.
The more she gets involved, the more they'll fight. This is
an endless cycle. The fights go on without limit and this
pollutes the atmosphere in the house. On the other hand,
Mother can be understanding and empathize with a dejected
child without contradicting his feelings.
2. Arguments between siblings prepare them for life's
challenges
Children whose parents constantly interfere when they are
fighting won't know how to fight and how to make up -- a
useful skill for their whole lifetime. They'll get stuck
again and again in arguments with friends, teachers and
employers, because they never learned how to compromise. Our
child has to know that when he and his brother/sister or
someone else disagrees, he sometimes has to give in, even if
his arguments are justified. A child whose parents don't mix
into every argument but, on the other hand, stand by him when
necessary, will eventually get along with everyone, including
the most annoying sibling.
3. Don't stick on labels
If every argument leads to a stigma for the child and he is
then stuck with a permanent nickname such as good, bad,
stubborn, easygoing, he will feel that he must live up to
this label. The child who has been called `bad' because he
hits a lot will continue showing us just how true this is,
and the child who is used to giving in will feel that he has
to act this way all the time. The nudnik will continue
to annoy and the good child will be afraid to be naughty
sometimes. All this is very negative for the child. Our
children have to know that they must decide on their own how
to behave in order to lead their own lives and develop their
own personalities. As parents, we must realize that stigmas
and nicknames only make it harder for them to make decisions
properly and to develop into adults. Drawing comparisons
between children is equally totally superfluous. No child is
worse than another. He is simply different than his sibling
and we must find his good points and highlight them. It is
also important to let our children know that each one is dear
to us and excels in his own sphere.
4. Learning to compromise
A friendly, peaceful home is not necessarily a home where
there are no differences of opinion, but it is a house where
people are ready to compromise. It is true that we don't all
think the same way, but let us see how we can reach mutual
understanding. Perhaps we have to take turns doing chores?
Perhaps one member of the family is willing to compromise on
a certain issue and the other member on another topic?
Children are creative and flexible, and they will find
solutions faster than we can, if we set an example for them
on how to compromise with our spouses and with them. By
encouraging our children when they succeed, by compromising
and reaching common agreements, and by discussing everything
that keeps them from feeling content at home -- without
entering into details of who is right and who is wrong -- we
can make our home a better place for everyone concerned. When
there is a warm, friendly atmosphere at home and not one of
constant bickering and fighting, our children will turn out
to be less aggressive and belligerent, in spite of all the
envy and competition and unavoidable clashes.
TIPS
* Publish a family newspaper. Elect an editor and columnists,
and even a photographer. This will initiate communication
between siblings. In my house, I have samples of a family
newspaper written years ago. The ten-year-old boy wrote a
serialized story; the seven-year-old wrote about a home lab
experiment, and the four-year-old contributed a very short
story (which someone wrote up from his dictation). I wrote
the funny events which happened during that month at home,
and so on. We sent it to the grandparents and cousins.
* A `wishing box.' Everyone can write down their wish for
someone else and place it in the box. Children will use their
fertile imagination to wish something for their sibling,
parent etc. This way, they'll keep everyone in mind in a
positive, loving way, every day. Just preparing the box will
help everyone work together in an enjoyable manner,
especially if the box is big enough. I once used a carton in
which a washing machine had been delivered. The children had
a wonderful time designing and decorating it (like a mailbox)
and then using it to send their wishes.
* Sometimes children come and complain to us about their
siblings. After we hear them out and empathize, we can ask
them to write a list of the good things they see in their
sibling. Everyone has failings, but now when he thinks about
it, the child will see that his brother/sister also has good
points.
* A family puzzle is a good way to have the children connect
to one another. Spread out the contents of a 1000 piece
puzzle on the table, and the children will work together on
it for days on end, and even forget to fight.
* A child who hits his siblings is an angry and unhappy
child. We have to stop him and tell him: Stop! I know
you're angry but we have to discuss it and find a solution
together.
* Let's promote good feelings among our children by praising
them to each other, by telling them how their sibling gave
them the benefit of the doubt, by reminding them of the
other's birthday, and telling them again and again how good
they are to each other, even if sometimes they get upset at
each other.
* Teach your children to express in writing, all the things
which cause them to fight. For instance, if the oldest girl
complains that her sister is constantly messing up the room,
she should write down her feelings and ask her sister to help
work things out together in a friendly, reciprocal and
equitable way.
