Dear Editor,
You recently wrote about the problem of not having sufficient
money to enable a shidduch to be concluded.
About 25 years ago, I had the same problem with the
shidduch of one of my children. The total sum from the
two sides was not enough. We took our problem to Maran Harav
Shach ztvk'l.
He advised us to go ahead and take a mortgage to cover the
balance that was lacking, dividing the payments three ways,
with the couple being the third partner. Boruch Hashem, we
all gladly accepted this very sound advice.
E.W.
More Wedding Jitters
by L. Kohn
After reading Rosally Saltzman's article, "Wedding Jitters"
[Parshas Behaaloscha] and the editor's request for other
readers' comments, I felt that readers might be interested in
a scheme which they have in Gateshead nowadays. Not in the
`Old Country,' not in `Jerusalem of yore,' but nowadays, once
a week or more.
It all began some twenty years ago when there was one caterer
in Gateshead. The local doctor, who was really the epitome of
a typical country doctor with old- fashioned ideas on many
subjects, spoke to one woman and suggested that with her
organizational skills and with another woman's culinary
skills, they would make an ideal team to start a chasuna
gemach. At that time, there were no more than a dozen
girls of marriageable age in the community and the two women
decided to give it a try.
The idea was to set up an organization which would not be a
gemach as such, because people would be expected to
pay for the whole COST of the wedding. But as they were only
going to pay for the net costs, and not for labor or profit,
it would be a fraction of the price of a normal wedding. As
people knew they were not being given charity and were not
objects of charity, the idea was greeted with great
enthusiasm.
They approached several other women, amongst them the mother
of the next girl to get married, to join the committee. A
menu was fixed, and cooked by quite a few of the `committee.'
With the help of girls from the seminary (and who has not
heard of Gateshead Sem.?) to set the tables, and professional
waiters to serve the food at night, these women catered their
first wedding. It was a far cry from a professional affair,
but the ladies nevertheless decided to continue. I do not
think that anyone remembers that wedding as the fiasco it
was, except perhaps the mother of the bride, and some of the
women who helped prepare for it.
As the years went by and the ladies gained experience, the
whole service became streamlined. The hosts paid for the
food, for the hire of the hall, and for the waiters, and
people from out of town did not know that it was being
catered by `amateurs.' If by chance they found out, they
exclaimed, "But it was like a professionally catered
wedding." By this time, the local community had grown and
there were many more weddings a year. The committee had
shrunk to the original two women, although many women in the
community came, and still come, to help with preparation of
the food and the strenuous work involved on the actual day.
One of the women is in charge of the Sem. girls when they set
the tables.
One grateful client paid a lump sum over and above the cost
of the food, which enabled the `ladies' (a name given to them
by the community) to replace the china and cutlery. The
ladies then began to levy a small charge which the hosts paid
willingly, to enable them to buy items for the service, as
they were needed. Now they were faced with a dilemma and
although the two women were good friends and had a great
regard for each other, they disagreed.
Should the hosts be entitled to invite as many guests as they
wished, or should the number be limited? After all, they now
had enough dishes to cater for several hundred guests. If the
hosts had taken a caterer, they would have had to pay a
certain amount per guest. But in the circumstances, the more
guests who were invited, the less was the cost involved per
head. On the other hand, the whole thing had been set up to
save people money, so why splash out on feeding all and
sundry?
Nowadays, when people have large families, the extended
family is often quite numerous. One very prominent
personality in London, who has many social and family
commitments, explained to all those who might have expected
an invitation to his oldest girl's wedding, that he could not
afford to pay the caterer for more than 100 guests, and
please would they share his simcha by coming to the
chuppa. In Gateshead, when the host only has to pay
for the actual food, why should he not invite 400 guests or
more? The dispute was resolved by the sagacious Rov of the
community who suggested that the number of guests be limited
to 300.
One important point I wish to mention. I cannot imagine that
this service would have survived without the constant support
of one of the local institutions. The Yeshiva gave permission
for their premises to be used to prepare all the food. The
Seminary allowed a certain number of girls who wished to help
to take the whole afternoon off [to cook in the yeshiva
kitchen? we ask]. Without the help of willing girls, the
`ladies' would have had to hire outside help which would have
raised the expenses considerably.
After the wedding, the food is taken to the house of one of
the `ladies' who divides it into bags of ten or twelve
portions. Very often, the hosts ask for some of the salads to
be taken to one of the local small institutions or they
collect the food the next day and share it among relatives.
It definitely helps them with sheva brochos and family
meals for a while.
A gemach like this is only possible in this day and
age in a small town [or a close-knit homogeneous community,
like a chassidic circle]. In Jerusalem, where there are so
many different `stripes' and accepted hechsherim, it
would be almost impossible. Gateshead has one Rov and only
one shechita. Other towns in England have adopted the
idea to a certain extent. There is a caterer in Manchester,
for instance, who provides a basic no- frills service for a
minimum fee. The initiators of the Gateshead scheme have been
replaced by younger women who run the service with love and
dedication. They now cater about forty weddings a year, for
every girl who gets married in the community. May they be
blessed for their dedication and selfless service to the
public.
[More to be said on the subject. Also waiting for readership
feedback.]
