Persistence in adults is an admirable trait. Persistence
helps a person to strive toward his goals and overcome
obstacles. Children who are sometimes thought of as stubborn
and defiant can alternatively be viewed as persistent.
Persistent people are usually very capable and can greatly
benefit the community through their hard work and dedication.
Persistent people frequently hold high standards of
shmiras hamitzvos and influence others similarly. If
persistence is such an admirable quality, why don't we
appreciate it in children?
The answer is simple. Persistent children are independent-
minded and as a result, they have difficulty accepting adult
authority. The Torah tells us to "train the child according
to his way." In educating the persistent child, it is crucial
to take his temperament into account and use it
constructively.
Seing the Good
M. Kurcinka coined the term `persistent' to describe a child
who may be negatively labeled "stubborn, disobedient,
demanding, resistant." To help the child, it is vital to work
to change the negative labels and opinions of the child and
begin to see positive aspects of his problematic behavior.
Let's take a look at some negative behaviors that are typical
of the persistent child and how they can be seen
positively.
* He won't quit when involved in something.
* He is focused and can become a good learner or teacher.
And...
* He doesn't listen the first time.
* He evaluates each command -- this will help prevent him
from falling prey to peer pressure.
* He won't give up if he wants something -- this can help
accomplish great things for the community to persevere when
learning becomes a challenge and to cope effectively with
personal challenges.
Striking a Balance
Persistent children push their parents to their limits. They
like to do things their own way and do not like to hear the
word `no.' When their requests are denied, they will often
argue and try to get their parents to relent and grant their
requests. It is very important for parents to strike a
balance between over-control and permissive parenting.
Some parents tend to say `no' to their persistent child
almost by reflex. This often happens before the request is
even heard. The persistent child may be especially
challenging for the parent; perhaps the child arouses great
frustration and anger in the parent. If this is the case, the
parent needs to be aware of his behavior toward his
persistent child. Is the parent constantly giving commands?
Is he constantly battling with his child or answering most of
his requests in the negative? If the answer to most of these
questions is `yes,' then it is important to learn to say
`yes' more often.
Learning to Negotiate
Some persistent children have persistent parents. Persistent
parents tend to lock-in similarly to their persistent
children. These parents need to learn to listen to their
children and understand what they want.
A parent who automatically says `no' is not truly
communicating with his child. Parents need to define their
`bottom line' but be willing to negotiate on points that are
not vital to them but that may be vital to the child. For
example, a parent may tell the child to be home at 6:00 p.m.
The child may beg to stay out later. A parent who
automatically says `no' to the extension because she "wants
the child to know that she needs to learn to listen to her
mother" may be standing on ceremony. With a persistent
child, rules without reasons could backfire. The child might
feel that the parent does not care about her need to spend
time with friends and she may be more likely to disregard her
mother's rule in the future. A parent who is willing to
negotiate demonstrates understanding of her child's needs,
and flexibility. This may help the child to be more flexible
herself and increase her desire to carry out her mother's
requests in the future. Parents need to clarify their
expectations or rules to themselves and their children. For
example, a mother may decide that 6:30 p.m. is her limit
because she needs to have dinner finished by 7:00.
It is helpful to define rules and limits and use these for
the basis of negotiations. Parents should evaluate their
rules and expectations to insure they are fair and
reasonable. If the rules or expectations are found to be
unreasonable, they can be changed and renegotiated.
Parental anger and resentment can sometimes be caused by
under-control or lack of clear boundaries. Parents who feel
resentful towards their children or who feel they are always
giving in may need to learn to say `no.' Parents who have
difficulty saying `no' to a persistent child should also
examine their rules and expectations. If parents feel their
children are not meeting important parent expectations, they
may work towards learning to say `no.'
Avoiding Confrontations
Persistent children are independent and proud. They respond
to challenges, when they feel backed into a corner. With
time, parents can learn how to avoid confrontations with
their children and educate them according to their needs.
Words and Tone of Voice
Certain words allow and even invite confrontation. Words that
command and threaten warn a persistent child that a challenge
has been issued. Persistent children usually win a challenge,
no matter what the cost.
A persistent child may prefer to receive a punishment and win
a battle rather than lose a battle and face embarrassment or
even a slight loss of dignity. Statements like "If you
don't... then I will..." or "You had better... or I'll..."
are clear challenges to a persistent child, especially if the
words are spoken with agitation and in a threatening tone of
voice. These are `fighting words' and they should be replaced
with respectful requests.
Humor and lightness (not sarcasm) go a long way with a
persistent child. Jokes can sometimes help to reduce tension
and avoid confrontation, as long as they are not hurtful or
sarcastic. Avoid nagging and leave written reminders for your
children in unexpected places like their shoes or on his
favorite toy. Persistent and independent children appreciate
explanations. A child who understands the necessity of a
parental request will often be more motivated and willing to
comply.
A child who repeatedly refuses to comply with a parental
request may warrant punishment. When it becomes necessary to
dispense punishment, it should be done as calmly as possible.
The best way to avoid a battle is to issue logical
consequences calmly and with sadness. A logical consequence
fits the misbehavior: i.e., "If you come home late from a
friend, you won't be able to go tomorrow," or "If you hit
children in the park, you will have to come home."
Create a list of logical consequences and keep it handy. When
it becomes necessary to give a consequence, be careful not to
use a tone that indicates revenge or spitefulness. It is very
easy to dispense a consequence in anger in the heat of the
battle. A consequence under these circumstances will be
ineffective with a persistent child and he will be likely to
retaliate. A consequence that is given calmly and sadly
demonstrates to the child that you are interested in his good
and are not happy to be punishing him. This type of
consequence will be more effective and will be truly
educational.
Masha Wolf, M.A.
Child therapist, play therapy and guidance for parents. Tel.
02-6562172.
