Feldheim Publishers
I second the motion. Don't. This book is too good to be
judged by a non-cover. But not being a graphic artist, I,
myself, cannot imagine how one would design a catchy enough
jacket for a book bearing such a title, since this work is
really full of good common sense, a healthy Torah outlook and
adds up to a pleasant and rewarding reading experience on a
subject that must be close to everyone's heart --
SHIDDUCHIM.
What outstanding feature separates secular newspapers
worldwide from the chareidi Israeli ones? Why, the front page
news! The GOOD news! Who wants to begin the day with
yesterday's terrorist activities, victims who didn't pull
through from recent terrorist activities, tragedies, politics
and so on? Or even obituaries?
How much better to look first at the engagement ads
announcing happy events which predict more happy events for
generations to come, assuring us that ever since the real
banner headlines of KRIYAS YAM SUF, Hashem is still busy
bringing people together, and they may be some of the
unlikeliest we might have imagined, or have been united from
the furthermost corners of the world.
So, this book is good news about shidduchim.
With so much having been said and written on a subject that
is as old as Adam and Eve, what can Rabbi Dolinsky add that
the public would want to read and be able to benefit
therefrom? Plenty.
In his conclusion, the author says: "I certainly hope that
these words will serve as an eye-opener and a guiding light
through the many experiences and issues in finding your
marriage partner. They include: consulting with good advisers
as to when to start dating, being properly prepared for all
the aspects of the dates themselves, not making the decision
based on false values, and a good workable understanding of
the Red Light System of the Torah approach."
Come again?
Rabbi Dolinsky's Red Light System helps the prospective
marriage candidate clinch the perennial question of `Is This
My Heaven-Intended Mate?' He provides some very down-to-earth
advice on following one's instinct based on solid
bitochon. No more being wishy-washy.
His basic question follows this common scenario: "The couple
meets through a shadchan, a friend, or some
circumstance. This obviously is a manifestation of
hashgacha pratis. So now that they have met, what
should their attitude be? Must they be
absolutely certain when they meet that they are meant
for each other? And until that point, there is no reason in
the world to consider marrying?
"Or do we say that the mere fact that this meeting came about
is enough of a reason for the couple to seriously consider
whether they are suited for marriage. Is the match
negative until proven positive or positive until proven
negative?"
When can we definitely say that Hashem is the Shadchan
of any given shidduch encounter?
This, he notes, is the most crucial issue discussed in the
book. But we won't give his well-grounded Red Light System
away. You've got to read the book to see what it is and how
it actually works in practice.
With haskomos from such Torah leaders as Rabbi Avigdor
Miller zt'l, Rabbis Shmuel Kaminetzky and R' Sheinberg
shlita, and with the experience of almost four decades
as a spiritual mentor in Yeshivas Torah Ohr, Rabbi Dolinksy
has the credentials and experience to offer invaluable
advice, in a very readable, well-organized format.
Let us offer some of his insights on the question of arranged
marriages as opposed to the Western method of `boy meets
girl' in a chapter called, "Bursting the Love Bubble."
"Rabbi Dessler goes so far as to say that when choosing a
spouse, the least suitable person to carry this out is the
individual concerned... We are blinded by self- interest, and
it is almost impossible for a person to be objective.
"Even the non-Jewish world recognized these truths for
centuries. The whole concept of `love' in the Western world
is relatively new. For most of history, marriages were
arranged. In the Jewish world, we lived by this system until
recently. Shidduchim were made by parents, and
matchmakers, who were deeply involved in the process of
finding a spouse for their offspring. They knew what their
children needed, they knew the personalities involved. They
weren't distracted by glamour or infatuation."
He cites a very old Reader's Digest that quotes one of
the leading secular authorities on marriage:
"The American Courtship is considered considerably
detrimental to marriage and raising a family. For humankind's
most important and sacred institution deserves earnest
contemplation and prayer. He sometimes felt that [the fact
that] American parents permit and even encourage their
children to select their mate is just about the worst of all
possible ways...
"The arranged marriage, planned by parents, was one of the
first customs adapted by those whose standard of living began
to rise in the world. By the 1890's, it is estimated that
nine out of ten European marriages were based on practical
consideration...
"To Americans, the arranged marriage has a bad name. We weep
for all the poor girls forced into marriage against their
will. Yet Dr. David Mates [interesting name for this
occupation, no?], Executive Director of the American
Association of Marriage Counselors, notes in his book
Marriage East and West that many of these `victims' of
the arranged marriage have not seemed to mind at all. Indeed,
young women from the Far East observing Western courtship
customs for the first time often feel sorry for American
girls. The idea of being forced to go out alone, into the
open market and to preen and flirt in the hope of attracting
a husband, strikes them as undignified and demeaning."
Just a small taste of the variety of topics covered in this
book. Rabbi Dolinsky's own Torah-based and practical insights
remain for the reader to read, ingest and incorporate, and
not just skim through in a mere book review. You may even
refer to it so often, or pass it around so much, that it
won't even have a cover any more...
