A letter from a reader:
I'd like the readers' reactions to this, writes S.M., not in
writing, but in action and real life!
What has prompted me to write this letter was a true story.
Nechama and Malka, neighbors and friends of mine, happened to
meet one morning at the doctor's reception room. After
exchanging some small talk, they arrived at a subject that
interested them both, namely: shidduchim.
"Listen here, Malka, the son of our mutual friend, Chani, has
just `hit the market,' as they say. His parents are open for
suggestions. Can you come up with a good idea for him?" Since
she knew all the details, Nechama elaborated and soon Malka
became enthused.
"Sure! I've got an excellent suggestion. My niece sounds just
perfect and she's been looking for someone like that for the
past few months. I think it's a very good possibility."
"Well, then, let's get it moving. Why don't we both suggest
it to the two sides simultaneously and see what happens?"
The match was suggested, both sides looked into the matter,
gathered information and soon the families were ready for the
first step: a discussion of financial arrangements, which, it
was decided, was necessary even before the young people met.
At this point, things began to collapse. The two sides did
not see eye-to- eye. While the girl's father was willing to
come up with 2/3 of a small apartment in the city or of a
larger one in a `project' (Kiryat Sefer etc.), the boy's
father announced that all he was willing to provide was a set
figure that fell far short of the missing third.
They were at loggerheads and the whole thing fell through. In
my opinion, a professional shadchon would have known
how to manage: pressuring a bit here, prompting a bit there,
cajoling, pushing and pulling. But in our case, both the
matchmakers were emotionally involved and biased towards
their side and there was no one to see it through to
conclusion.
Malka's reasoning went like this: "Who am I to tell my sister
to come up with another few thousand dollars? Really, I think
she's right; isn't 2/3 of an apartment a generous enough
offer?"
Nechama thought, "Why should I ruin my good relationship with
my friend and pressure their side to come up with more? A boy
of his reputation and caliber deserves to get what he's
asking for. Besides, this is only his first shidduch.
Should he begin settling for less when he's hardly given
things a chance?"
And so, this match got stuck in the offing with the gap
between the two parties not very substantial. With the proper
handling, a compromise could certainly have been arrived
at.
And I, a relative on one side, am still hoping and praying
that something may yet come of it and that the families
resume negotiations.
Someone recently remarked that there are a great deal of good
boys and a good number of great girls. The trouble is there
aren't enough great shadchonim who will push a match
to its happy conclusion!
And with this, I appeal to all the professional and non-
professional matchmakers: don't let up. Do your job till the
finish, do it thoroughly. It's not enough to throw out great
suggestions. Follow them up, see them through. Every
shidduch is an unimaginable chessed and
sometimes you are the only ones in the position to do it. And
even after the brokerage payment, which is considered the
most kosher money possible, it is still a chessed with
dividends for all generations to come.
