Credit, Where Credit is `Dew'
First of all, many thanks for an inspirational article,
"Morning Dew" [Parshas Behaaloscha]. I read it over and over.
What strong chizuk, presented so simply. And "Chance
of a Lifetime." Also one of the most worthwhile articles I've
ever read . . .
In answer to your open invitation for guidelines on the right
attitude for people in significant nisyonos . . .
The worst I confront is avoidance: not only of my problem,
but of me (even from people closely related!). The best is
warm open friendship and care. We can easily differentiate
between care and condescension, friendship and pity. Life is
about reaching out to others. It doesn't matter if you think
you've nothing clever to contribute, or you think you may say
the wrong thing. CARE, SHARE and be THERE! And most of all,
KEEP IT UP! Your warmth may be just what's keeping someone
going, albeit temporarily, without your even realizing its
significance. What a zechus!
There's a marvelous quote (does anyone know where it's
from?), "People may forget what you said. People will forget
what you did. But people will never forget how you made them
feel."
Your family section is outstanding. [Thanks!]
A grateful European reader
*
Another response to "Chance of a Lifetime"
With reference to Rosally Saltsman's article, "Chance of a
Lifetime," her sentence concerning "IY'H by you" and
other similar comments are kind. However, I would question
the source for her claim that there are people who have
achieved their tachlis as wives and mothers in
previous gilgulim and therefore will not carry out
this role in the present time round. Chazal state clearly
that 40 days before conception, a heavenly voice decrees
bas ploni l'ploni etc. The Yated has always
said that it represents genuine daas Torah -- so
surely in order to say something that seems to contradict a
very famous saying, you must quote a proper source.
J.S.
The Editor replies:
I had a gut feeling, when I chose to print Saltsman's
article, that we would run into problems, and therefore I
trimmed it down, PRE-faced it and BOLD-faced some of the
`ticklish' points, and almost had it rejected altogether by
the mevaker. So, Rabbi J.S., you are on line.
BUT...
Basically, this piece was intended for women, both to be read
and to be said. I don't think that men in similar situations:
bachelorhood or childlessness, are as sensitive to the issue
as women, and the article, altogether, was to be read in this
spirit.
In theory, there are reams to be said. An authority I
consulted about the point you raised had this to say: The
decree issued in Heaven concerns the potential mate each soul
is assigned. This does not mean in reality that any given
person will marry that `better half,' since when that time
comes, some people reject their heavenly-intended mate or
forfeit it in some other way.
Why, for example, are people permitted to seal a
shidduch even on Tisha B'Av? "Lest someone else come
along and preempt it." How is this possible if it is heavenly
decreed? By excessive prayer, or by other merits. Since you
asked for verse-and-chapter, may I mention the Rambam's
Shmone Perokim, where he altogether refutes the
accepted Chazal of "forty days...", arguing that this goes
against Free Choice. Commenting there on this issue, R'
Yaakov Emden reconciles the conflict by saying that a person
has a potential best-choice mate reserved for him, but his
free choice enables him to marry someone forbidden to him,
for example, or opt out by making any other arbitrary free-
will choice. Please look this up yourself in the source!
I really don't wish to argue this point, since it has already
been done at length by valid Torah scholars. It is also dealt
with in the book recently reviewed in Yated, Don't
Judge a Book by its Cover, by Rabbi M. Dolinsky.
Suffice it to say, we do not encourage delving into past,
present or future reincarnations, but dealing with our fellow
people this time round as rational people striving to do our
best, and not botching anything up. Accept our apologies for
lack of clarity in this area, and our hopes that we all learn
to love our fellow people as they are and relate to them
accordingly.
*
And a third letter:
Although Mrs. Saltsman is certainly entitled to her unique
opinion, perhaps you didn't realize how harsh it came across
to the reader. I was taken aback by her imaginative theory
explaining why older women aren't married or don't have
children.
I do agree that saying "Soon by you" to anyone other than a
bright-eyed 18-year-old runs the risk of stepping on
sensitive toes. Once I greeted an older sister at her younger
brother's wedding with "Soon by you!" as a genuine expression
of hopefulness. Her pained look told me that "Mazel Tov!"
would have been much more appropriate.
However, I do not agree with Mrs. Saltsman that
"realistically speaking, there are women (over the age of 40)
who are not going to get married and have children." When one
of my friends, for whom I'd been praying rather halfheartedly
since she was 39, announced that she was getting married for
the first time at age 44, I realized that one can never `give
up' on anyone. Then she had her first baby at 45... and her
second child at 49. And what about a wedding where all the
guests were grandparents... because the chosson was 55
and the kalla was 54? It was the first marriage for
both and neither had stopped looking for their mate.
The Jewish People are not ruled by odds or statistics, but by
Hashgocha protis and prayer is our key to Hashem's
storehouse of blessings. In these times, as we get closer to
the coming of Moshiach, we are seeing many more open
miracles. Let's forget the "Soon by you" and instead, greet
older unmarrieds or childless couples with, "Could you give
me your name (to pray for)..." Let us use the `craft of our
fathers', prayer, to throw open the gates of blessing for
everyone.
Y.F.
*
Back to Back -- More on Epidurals
As a professional childbirth educator, long time Yated
subscriber and consistent reader of Dr. Leibman's column, I
followed the article on epidural anesthesia with interest. A
comprehensive coverage of the epidural issue is difficult
within the limited forum that the Yated can offer.
Women should read Happy Birth Day by Aviva Rapaport
for a fuller understanding of what is involved.
One point in Dr. Leibman's article must be addressed. The
statement that babies are not at any increased risk from an
epidural is misleading. If there is no risk to the baby, why
is continual fetal monitoring required once the epidural is
administered? Epidural anesthesia can affect the baby
and cause fetal distress, either due to the influence of the
anesthetic or by lowering the mother's blood pressure. Henci
Goer in her bestseller, The Thinking Woman's Guide to a
Better Birth, effectively establishes this point. She
says that fetal distress occurs in 10% of cases. Her sources
are prestigious medical journals such as The American
Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology and the British
Journal of Anesthesia.
Feedback from my students indicates that over a seven month
period, of the 14 women who received an epidural, 3 had
babies who experienced significant to major fetal distress.
Obviously, this is not an extensive survey, rather a
substantiation of the potential for fetal distress.
As a side point, regarding the isue of pain relief, the
public should be aware that the use of a professional
labor assistant (`doula') lowers usage of epidurals by 60%.
From the second birth on, a woman accompanied by a doula
rarely needs an epidural.
Wishing women safe births with minimal discomfort,
Rebbetzin Masha Fabian, LCCE 02-538-6725
*
Setting Things Straight:
In L. Kohn's column on weddings a' la Gateshead (Parshas
Korach), a bracketed comment by your editor was not received
well. It seemed to imply that girls were cooking in the
yeshiva kitchen. They only helped set the tables! We
apologize.
Note to readers: in general, bracketed comments are
editorial, not from the author. Very sorry to have caused
misunderstanding.
Re: SUBMISSIONS. Some writers bend over backwards to fax
material. Sending it by mail delays it by a day, which makes
no difference at this end. We welcome your (even handwritten)
comments. Send to Weinbach, Panim Meirot 1, Jerusalem.
Waiting to hear from you...
