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Home and Family
Finding the Good in Your Child -
How to Help Your Child Build a Strong Self Concept

by Masha Wolf, Child Therapist and Consultant

Part II

In the first part, we discussed "finding islands of competence and success in children." We stressed the importance of labeled praise -- making praise specific. We carry on with

Personalized Positive Reinforcement or Valued Good Deeds

Positive reinforcement can become even more meaningful to children if it is accompanied by personal words of encouragement or value from their parents. These praises show children how much their deeds are personally valued by their parents. Some examples of praise which shows children that their deeds are valued are:

Wow/ super/ well done/ great/ outstanding/ excellent/ I knew you could do it/ I'm proud of you/ fantastic/ beautiful/ you've got it/ hooray for you/ good job/ incredible/ you're spectacular/ terrific/ you learned it right/ you're growing up/ you tried hard/ I can really count on you/ You're giving me nachas/ that makes me so happy/ you made my day/ I love you/ what a good feeling you gave me/ that means so much to me/ Kol hakavod/ what a treasure you are/ I like it when.../ you sure are big when.../ you did that all by yourself/ you're so grown up/ I enjoy it when...

Using this kind of reinforcement gives a child the feeling that he is pleasing his parent. The more the child feels he is pleasing his parent, the more likely he is to repeat his positive act and feel successful. The more the child feels successful and approved of by his parents, the more likely that the parent-child relationship will improve.

Labeling Positive Character Traits

One of the highest levels of praise that can be used is personal labels. When a parent or anyone else labels a child positively and the child believes the label to be true, the child's self concept is heightened to a very large extent and the label becomes part of how the child perceives himself. For example, if a child continually remembers to come home on time and do schoolwork as expected and take care of other responsibilities as required, he may be told by his parent that he is a responsible child. This label may then become part of how the child sees himself on a deep level. Conversely, negative labels can be just as deep and very painful. Parents can help build a child's self concept and encourage more positive behaviors by using positive labels.

[Many gedolim made it a point never to label a child as `bad', only a particular act. And they stressed the fact that "ess passt nisht" -- this misdeed does not befit such a good boy as you!]

Labels can also be used to help turn around negative behaviors. A child who thinks about others can be told she is considerate, sensitive, thoughtful or kind. These labels go beyond simple praise in their ability to build a child's self image. A child who does an act of chessed can be praised as a baalas chessed. If a child is weak in a certain trait, the parent may want to catch him succeeding in that area. For instance, a girl who has great difficulty with organization has just cleaned out her school bag and organized it well. The parent can begin by telling the child that she really got well organized: This bag is so neat! The parent cannot yet say that the child herself is an organized person but the child can be encouraged for having made progress towards organization and this can give her hope that the goal is not completely beyond her grasp. In time, the child may become a more neat and organized person, or at least, see herself capable of being somewhat organized when necessary. The goal has been reduced to a single act that can be repeated -- it is within her scope.

The same idea can be used for a child who is dishonest. When he tells the truth, he can be encouraged to be honest or straight. His parent may say: "It was very honest of you to return the money/toy you found." With time and encouragement, he may become honest and can be encouraged for this character trait in the following way: "You told the truth even though it's hard for you. You are a very honest boy!" A list of positive character traits is provided below. This list can be used to positively label and praise children.

Assertive, accepts criticism, accepts praise, artistic, appreciative, alert, aware, active, applies self, brave, bright, calm, creative, careful, capable, caring, charming, cheerful, confident, considerate, determined, dependable, dramatic, diligent, disciplined, doesn't give up, easy going, encouraging, empathetic, flexible, forgiving, friendly, fearless, funny, generous, gentle, G-d-fearing, good hearted, good willed, grateful, good sense of humor, handy, happy, hardworking. Helpful, honest, insightful, imaginative, joyful, kind, loving, lively, mature, modest, neat, noncompetetive, negotiator, observant, organized, patient, polite, popular, positive, problem solver, peacemaker, quick thinker, relaxed, respectful, reliable, self controlled, sensitive, straight, sympathetic, self confident, sweet, smart, thoughtful, talented, understanding, warm, well behaved, well educated.

Parents sometimes find it difficult to think of and positively reinforce their children for their skills, positive acts and positive character traits. The lists provided are intended to help parents become more aware of their children's positive qualities and deeds and to encourage them. The more encouragement children get, the stronger their self esteem will be and the more their positive character traits and talents will shine forth and become evident in their behavior.

Masha Wolf is a child therapist who provides educational guidance to parents and play therapy to children. Call: 02- 656-2172.

 

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