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23 Kislev 5761 - December 20, 2000 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Home and Family
A Giyoret's View of Ahavas Hageir
by Ruth

Conversion to Judaism is not just a ceremony and it does not really take place on a specific day or in one place. For the true convert, the beis din and tevillah are only the final seal of approval; they are the culmination of a much longer process that involves much more.

Before this final stage, people learn how to be Jewish and what Yiddishkeit is all about from contact with individuals and communities. They learn how Torah is lived from those who live it. This is a teaching process that involves the whole community of which the ger will eventually become part. It goes on before, during, and after the formal steps of giyur, which should really be understood as only the beginning.

"Ahavas hager" doesn't mean giving these people a bear hug or telling them how terrific they are. It means facilitating integration and being sensitive to the awkward points involved. The ger is in need of extra support because he or she does not have the background and the backing that most born Jews do. We are commanded to protect the ger, the almonoh, and the yosome because their lack of support makes them vulnerable.

Words cannot express how much I have been buoyed up, encouraged, and pushed forward spiritually by the smallest and most subtle of gestures, words, and actions, from people "big" and "small" within the religious community. Such things more than make up for the smaller hurts, the bigger sacrifices, and the inevitable "losses" that the change in status entails.

For example, I once wrote a shaila to a very respected rov on a subject concerning my relationship to my non-Jewish family. The friend who passed my letter on to him told me, "You'll get an answer, but you should know that you'll have to call and call to get in touch with him, because he's very busy, and it's hard to catch him at home."

Imagine my shock when the rav called me after a very short time, and apologized for having "made me wait." In addition to this, he answered my question in detail with a great deal of sensitivity, even the points I had not made clear in my letter!

More than giving me advice and an answer, the yachas and quality of his response showed me more than any polemical essay what a godol is, and what a real talmid chochom has that is so precious. One develops the capacity for emunas chachomim not by being scolded into it, but by contacts like these in which the trust one bestows is vindicated and not betrayed.

On the topic of sensitivity towards geirim, I attend a regular shiur in which, one week, the topic was the foreign wives of Shlomo Hamelech. "How was it possible," asked one of the women in the group, "that someone on the level of Shlomo Hamelech could have done such a thing as to marry converts? Isn't it obvious that a giyores is only going to bring in bad practices?"

Before I even had time to internalize this, let alone take it personally, the Rabbanit not only responded to the specific textual question, but also made it very clear that this ought not be taken as an accusation against geirim in general. "It's important to remember that there are many sincere converts who have a positive effect on the families they marry into, and some who have brought their spouses and whole families back to Torah and mitzvos," she added decisively.

Now, I know that the Rabbanit is very well aware of my background, just as I know that several of the women in the shiur have no idea. (The questioner would certainly not have phrased her comment like that had she known.) I've also seen enough evidence of the Rabbanit's tact and consideration to suspect that part of her response was in order that I not be offended -- not that anyone else noticed, not that any attention was drawn to me whatsoever. Her response was a masterpiece of subtlety and tact. Again, over and above the specific matter, there was a subtext: "This is how a Torah personality treats others; this is how the talmidei Aharon behave."

Moreover, in both of these examples, it was clear that there was more than simple kindness involved. I know that for both of these individuals, the primary motivation is doing Hashem's will. That involves more than being "nice," it means acting a certain way even when no one else sees you doing so, even when the object of your chesed is not someone you know personally, even when he is in no position to "return the favor."

Really, we are, all of us, potential teachers and role models of acting lifnim mishuras hadin in our relations with our fellow man.

 

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