One of the areas in which gedolei Yisroel are most
often approached for guidance and advice is in matters
pertaining to chinuch and to talmud Torah. While
each questioner comes with his own set of circumstances and
receives an answer that fits his particular situation, a
majority of the questions touch on common issues which affect
almost everybody. Many of these questions also arrive on
Yated's editorial desk, accompanied by requests to
answer or deal with them in the pages of the paper.
We asked Rav Tzvi Yabrov to prepare a number of such
questions and to seek reliable answers to them. Rav Yabrov was
fortunate to spend some time with HaRav Chaim Kanievsky, who
gave verbal replies to the queries. Rav Yabrov later submitted
his written version of these replies to HaRav Kanievsky, who
gave his consent for publication. Here are the questions which
Rav Yabrov submitted, together with HaRav Kanievsky's
replies.
Part I
Attending Weddings
Q. When one of the bochurim in a yeshiva is
getting married, is every bochur who learns there
obligated to attend the wedding? Does one have to go to every
wedding? And if so, how long does one have to stay? What about
a good friend, who will be offended if his friends do not
participate in his simchoh?
A. What do you mean "obligated to attend"? Some people
are careful not to give invitations to a bris miloh
[because receiving an invitation to a seudas mitzvoh
obliges the recipient to attend, which is not always possible]
but to a wedding? . . . There is no law that one has to attend
and no obligation. The only question is, whether or not the
chosson will be offended, in which case it is perhaps a
matter of chesed. I didn't go to all the weddings while
in yeshiva, except for those of good friends: first so as not
to offend them and second, because if I had gone to their
simchas, they would not have come to mine.
There is a gemora in Bovo Basro (91) that says,
"Rabba bar Rav Huna said in the name of Rav, `Boaz made a
hundred and twenty feasts (for sixty sons and daughters) and he
did not invite Mono'ach to any of them. He said, "He is a
barren mule, how can he repay me? (i.e. he has no
children to whose simchas he can invite me)."' " The
gemora ends by telling us, "They all (all Boaz's
children) died in his (their father's) lifetime."
I was once asked by an elderly man, while I was learning in the
yeshiva in Petach Tikvah, what Boaz meant by "how can he repay
me?" Was Boaz in need of food, of a piece of cake, that made it
difficult for him to invite Mono'ach if he would not be invited
in return?
I replied that the meaning was clear. Take the Chazon Ish for
example. Would he be obligated to invite all the ignoramuses in
the city? Why on earth should he be? Mono'ach was an am
ho'oretz (Brochos 61), while Bo'az was the godol hador
(Medrash Rabba Rus, 5:10). Why should Boaz have been
obliged to invite Mono'ach? Were Mono'ach to have children
however, to whose simchas he would have invited Boaz,
the latter would have had to worry whether Mono'ach might not
be offended to have invited Boaz and to have received no return
invitations. Since though, Mono'ach was childless, Boaz thought
that he had no obligation at all to invite him.
But Mono'ach was offended nevertheless and Boaz was punished
for this by losing all his children in his lifetime. He should
have considered the possibility of Mono'ach's taking
offense.
The Limits of Honoring Parents
Q. How far does the mitzvoh of honoring parents extend?
If there is a family simchoh for example, and a child
does not want to attend because of bitul Torah. Or a
bochur whose parents' standards of kashrus are
lower than those which he maintains, but the parents will be
offended if he doesn't eat with them? Or to take another
example, a bochur whose parents use electricity on
Shabbos (in Eretz Yisroel)? How should he conduct himself?
A. Certainly, where a matter of basic halochoh is
concerned, the bochur cannot conduct himself in any
other way and the argument that this will annoy his parents
carries no weight. Take the example of electricity on Shabbos.
The Chazon Ish held that halochoh utterly forbids its
use. If so, even if the parents shout at him, how can it be
permitted? It is forbidden for him! He should explain to his
parents, with courtesy and respect, that he cannot use it
because he has undertaken to keep that halochoh.
However, where it is merely a matter of stringencies, there are
grounds for saying that they should not be observed where
honoring parents is concerned. Here too, there may be matters
which require hatoras nedorim. (HaRav Kanievsky referred
us to the words of the Mesillas Yeshorim in chapter
14.)
Learning With a Weaker Bochur
Q. To what extent is one obligated to set aside time for
learning with a weaker bochur, if one will thereby lose
out by being unable to use the time for achieving his own lofty
goals?
A. This falls into the category of, "These are the things that
have no limit . . . and gemilus chassodim." There is a
gemora in Gittin (60), which says that Rav Shimi
bar Ashi came to Abaye and asked him to make a time to learn
together with him. Abaye replied, "I have a time for myself,"
that is, I have my own set time for learning. We see that if
someone already has a time arranged for learning, he is not
obliged to learn with someone else. The gemora there
tells us however, that Rav Shimi asked Abaye to learn with him
at night when he had no other arrangement, and the
gemora discusses this. At any rate, we see that if
someone has a fixed arrangement, he is not obligated.
Changing Minhogim
Q. Should a Sephardi bochur who is learning in
an Ashkenazi yeshiva keep the minhogim of the place he
learns, or those of his family? We have heard it said in the
name of one of the gedolim of the previous generation
that Toras imecho (i.e. the family minhogim which
one should keep) in such a case is that of the yeshiva he
learns in.
A. Such a bochur must keep his own family's
minhogim. However, if others will take exception to him
and problems will surface, it may be better to refrain from
causing friction.
I heard that the Chazon Ish was asked about a Sephardi
bochur whose parents were not observant and who was
brought back to Yiddishkeit by Ashkenazim. The Chazon
Ish said that since his parents did not observe Torah and
mitzvos, there was no Toras imecho on the part of his
family for him to follow, and the Toras imecho was that
of those who had brought him to teshuvah. He could
therefore pray according to nusach Ashkenaz (he did not
say that he was obligated to do so). That I can understand.
However, where a bochur's parents have raised him to
Torah and mitzvos, and he is currently learning and living in
yeshiva, I don't know whether he is allowed to change his
family's minhogim.
Chol Hamoed Outings
Q. How far should one put learning aside in order to go
on trips and outings with the children on chol
hamoed?
A. There is no fixed amount in all such matters. It all
depends on what is necessary. I remember that Father used to
take us for a walk on Shabbos between the time of
shekiyoh and nightfall because during this time it was
dark and it was impossible to learn. He would take us to Har
Sholom and on the way he would tell us stories about
tzaddikim to implant yiras Shomayim in us. By the
time we returned, it was time for ma'ariv.
(Note: In a written reply on another occasion, Rabbenu's
response to this question was, "As little as possible.")
A Grandfather's Obligation
Q. Does a grandfather have an obligation to educate his
grandchild because of the principle that "grandchildren are
like children"? (I was shown that in Teshuvos Maharsham,
vol. 8, siman 33, the question of whether a grandfather can
make the blessing boruch shepetorani at his grandson's
bar mitzva is discussed.)
A. A grandfather is commanded to learn Torah with his
sons and with his grandsons. This is an explicit
halochoh in Shulchon Oruch (Yoreh Dei'oh siman
265:3): "Just as a person is commanded to learn with his
son, he is also commanded to learn with his grandson, as the
posuk says, `You shall make them known to your sons and
to your grandsons . . . ' However, one is commanded to give
preference to a son's learning over a grandson's." This
halochoh is stated with regard to talmud Torah.
We are not told that it also applies to training a grandchild
in other mitzvos. However, neither are we told that it does
not.
Mussar For Children
Q. Which works of mussar are suitable for
learning with children? For how long each day? And from which
age should one start?
A. Father used to say that one should study simple works
of mussar with them, such as Orchos Tzaddikim,
for even five minutes a day, from the age of seven, and that in
time they would absorb the lessons.
Inculcating Love of Torah
Q. How can one lead a child to love Torah and to love
learning Torah?
A. In our family, Father zt'l used to do this by
telling stories of gedolim and tzaddikim. This
put yiras Shomayim into us. He chose which stories to
tell us . . .
Praising Gifted Pupils
Q. Should one praise and extol gifted students in front
of the class, or should one fear that this will have an adverse
effect upon the weaker and the average students who will be
harmed by it?
A. This is an old question. It all depends on the
situation. It is sometimes necessary to praise a student who
knows the material that is being learned, first in order to
encourage him and second, so that other students should want to
do the same. However, judgment needs to be exercised as to when
and how to do this. It is hard to give general rules.
When a child arrives home with excellent grades, he should be
given some encouragement, but it should not be overdone.
Hitting Children
Q. Should one refrain from hitting children and students
in our times? Are there exceptional circumstances in which
corporal punishment can, or should be, administered?
A. Sometimes it is necessary to hit and, "He who spares
the rod, hates his child" (Mishlei 13:). When a child
does something really wrong, he should certainly be beaten.
However, the father should act prudently and only hit once in a
long while. If a child is beaten every day, the exercise loses
its whole value.
In the Medrash Rabba (at the beginning of parshas
Shemos), we find something written that we could not say
ourselves, had Chazal not actually said it: "What is the
meaning of the posuk `He who spares the rod, hates his
child'? It comes to teach you that whoever withholds a beating
from his son, ultimately the son falls in with bad company and
the father hates him. Thus we find with Yishmoel, who had
yearning for his father yet Avrohom Ovinu did not discipline
him and he fell into bad company, and then Avrohom Ovinu hated
him and sent him out of his house empty-handed . . .
"Whoever makes his son suffer, the son loves his father more
and honors him and loves him even more. We find that Avrohom
reproved Yitzchok and taught him Torah and guided him in his
ways . . . In the same way, Yitzchok would meet Yaakov with
reproof . . . and Yaakov Ovinu also reproved his sons and
disciplined them and taught them his ways."
These are strong words, telling us why one son developed into a
Yishmoel and the other into a Yitzchok, an explanation which,
had Chazal not given it, we would not be able to give.
The medrash there continues, "Dovid acted the same way
with Adoniyohu. He didn't discipline him with suffering nor did
he become angry with him. Therefore he fell into bad company,
as the posuk (Melochim I 1:6) says, "And his father had
never reproved him at all, saying `Why are you doing this?'
"
Apparently, the reason why Dovid never rebuked him is that he
seemed to be behaving properly and there was nothing for which
to rebuke him. However, Chazal say (Makkos 8), "Even
though he learns, it is a mitzvoh to hit him, as the posuk
(Mishlei 29:17) says, `Make your son suffer and he will
give you peace.' " This is what was missing. Dovid should have
reproved him, even if he was acting correctly. He should have
said to him, `Why are you doing this?' finding some pretext for
saying that he wasn't acting correctly, so as to get him used
to receiving reproof! (We wrote about this in Taama
Dekro, on the haftorah of parshas Chayei
Soroh.)
(Note: In a written question I asked Rabbenu about the quote in
Toldos Yaakov pg.235, from his father zt'l, who
said that a child should be hit for refusing to make a
brochoh, chas vesholom, or for hitting a friend with
excessive cruelty. The Steipler is also said there to have been
careful to hit for lying. The question was, whether this is the
preferred course even in a case where the parents' experience
is that guiding their child in a loving way will have more
educational benefit than hitting him. HaRav Kanievsky replied
in writing, "It all depends on the circumstances.")
End of Part I
