When parents ask a therapist for help with children, they
often want to know the most effective way to curb their
behavior or punish them. It is natural to look for direct
means-end solutions. If there is a problem, it follows that
there is an obvious cause. So? Change the causative
agent.
One of my relatives was a curious, inventive boy who
sometimes got into trouble. One time, the school principal
called his mother. "A prank has been played at school, some
damage was done, and we think your boy did it!"
"Really," said the mother. "He is sick in bed today."
Sometimes, the causative agent is not the cause but he,
indeed, is "sick in bed" and needs help.
Parents complain that the house is unruly on Shabbos, the
kids run wild. This, indeed, is an example of the "child
sick in bed." Something is amiss; the child is demonstrating
a problem. Then, what is a good punishment? Or reward? This
is an understandable question but it is, nonetheless, the
wrong question.
If rewards or punishments would fix the disrepair in the
Shabbos atmosphere, I would package them as magic pills and
retire early on the windfall.
Back to reality: something is amiss in the household.
Something isn't working in the house on Shabbos. What is
needed? What piece of learning, or skill, or knowledge, or
understanding is missing in the child's grasp of Shabbos?
This is the right question. Now we can begin a different
kind of discussion. We can decide what he should understand
about Shabbos, given his developmental level. Maybe we will
decide that any child four and up should participate in the
seuda and not run around.
Shabbos provides the highest quality family time, the time
when children learn derech eretz, kovod, the
difference between kodesh and chol. They also
learn how to express themselves. Families learn how to
communicate. On Shabbos, we want them to UNDERSTAND and
EXPERIENCE that Shabbos is different and therefore, their
behavior should be different, too.
We want children to enjoy Shabbos but through a structured
set of activities which will include stories, divrei
Torah, zemiros, helping to serve and clean up. If we
want to inculcate an atmosphere of Shabbos, we have to
decide to PREVENT their running from the table and getting
bored and making trouble.
When parents see the need to heal a troubled Shabbos
atmosphere, I sometimes prescribe a ten minute per day
parents' meeting. Together they can assume responsibility
for change. Together they can decide what their children are
missing and how to provide it. Sometimes, I suggest a hiatus
of guests, at least for one of the Shabbos meals, until new
patterns are set.
A quiet ten-year-old girl is in the habit of sipping
Kiddush, tasting challa and wandering away from the
table under the shield of guests and rowdy younger children.
She stays in her room and reads. The parents decide to
devote their full attention to their children until
healthier patterns are well established. Then guests are
reintroduced into the routine. They ask her to prepare a
dvar Torah for the table. They make her realize that
they are there to encourage her and draw her out. A lively
discussion follows. They keep the seuda moving along
quickly - - much more quick than if they had guests. They
teach the younger children to delay their need to play and
they are drawn in with songs and a turn to talk and be
heard. The father feels he has established communication
that has never been there. The gift of Shabbos is just
waiting to be used.
Another set of parents decide they need to engage their
lively children's attention before Shabbos begins. During
the week, they remind the children every day that changes
are about to happen; they will be staying at the table. Both
Ima and Abba say this. The children can help choose their
favorite menu. They can write out their divrei Torah
on the computer. They can chop vegetables and set the table
or mop the floor. Comes Shabbos, they can engage in
participation; they cannot leave the table. Not yet. The
parents keep the pace quicker at first. Until the children
learn to tolerate more.
Parents learn to regard misbehavior NOT as a signal for
punishment but as a sign that the child is "sick in bed" and
needs their help to get healthy.
When parents make this shift, when they see how dependent
their children are on their help, they often experience a
sense of relief. It isn't that the child is so bad; he needs
their help. This places more responsibility on the parents
but less "character flaw" on the child. If a parent harbored
a deep worry about his child because of his behavior, now he
can see great improvement. The child responds to help,
prevention and forethought on the parent's part. He can
grow. He can get "out of bed" and be healthy. The strain on
the marriage can improve, too. Instead of blaming each other
or themselves for the bad behavior, the parents can work
effectively together to prevent it.
