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Home and Family
Shyness
by Masha Wolf, M.A. Child Therapist and Counselor, Therapy Play Groups etc.

Part III

Shyness is a problem that affects a large percentage of the population. With love, understanding, and a close parent-child relationship, children can be taught to overcome many of their anxieties.

Last week we discussed ways to help shy children.

Children as young as seven or eight can change their anxious thoughts on paper but they will need help. You can help guide your child by asking him, "How can you argue with your fear? What could you tell yourself to feel better and be more able to cope?" With time, this technique becomes natural and easy to do.

After you have worked on self-talk with your child, you may begin to discuss options for problem-solving. Ask your child to give you as many solutions as he can to a given problem, even if it is completely unrealistic. This is how children learn to brainstorm and search for solutions. You may decide to draw out each solution or to write them all down. Children also love to act out the solutions. This should be done with as much fun and creativity as possible. As the child begins to act out or draw out his solutions, he is visualizing his success. This gives him the confidence to actually carry out his goal.

A child may practice newly acquired skills through drawing and role play but this alone will not be enough to help him overcome his anxiety. Concrete reinforcers are necessary to help a child progress towards his chosen goal and overcome his anxiety.

A shy child needs a lot of motivation to overcome his anxiety and confront it in concrete ways. It is important to set very small reachable goals, and reward the child for each step he achieves. The smaller the steps, the easier it will be for the child to ascend each one without having to retreat in fear. The goal should be broken up into about six to eight steps and each step should be completed two to three times. This helps the child to become desensitized to the fear and to become more confident with every step. If your goal is to have your child ask to join in a group game, ask him under which circumstances it would be easier to ask (as discussed in Part I). Does it help if he knows the game?

LADDERS TO SUCCESS

Draw a ladder. Make the bottom step on the ladder something that evokes very little aniexty. For example: let you child ask one friend he knows if he can join his game while no one is around. Next, let him ask one friend while the other child is watching, then have him ask two children who are playing if he can join in. The next time, he may call three children together to play a game that he has in mind, then he can ask four children to play a game he knows. Another time, he may ask three children if he can join in a game they are playing, and then four children, and finally, a larger group. He should be strongly encouraged on each step on the ladder because it is extremely difficult to overcome anxiety and incentives are necessary. I recommend small rewards for each step on the ladder.

The most effective way to determine how to take steps towards the goal is to ask the child as many detailed questions as possible about what makes the anxiety worse and what lessens it. By understanding what reduces the anxiety you can begin the first step on the ladder towards reaching the goal. Some examples of step-by-step goals in shyness, with the most difficult rungs at the top, are as follows:

SPEAKING PUBLICLY

* Answer questions in front of the whole class when unsure if the answers are correct.

* Answer a question you don't know the answer to.

* Answer a question in front of the whole class.

* Answer a question in front of five children.

* Answer a question in front of four children.

* Answer a question in front of three children.

* Answer a question you know in front of the teacher and two children.

* Answer a question you know in front of the teacher and one child.

* Answer a question you don't know and answer just in front of the teacher.

Often the steps towards the goals need to be created artificially, but with cooperation, this can be achieved relatively easily.

ASKING FOR HELP (Top rung of ladder being the most difficult)

Ask the teacher to re-explain something you don't understand in front of the whole class.

Ask the teacher to re-explain something you don't understand in front of a few children.

Ask the teacher to explain a worksheet quietly at the teacher's desk.

Go to the store and ask where the cereal is when the store is full of people.

Call a neighbor and ask to use their computer.

Call a neighbor on the phone to borrow some sugar.

Ask to borrow something in person.

Ask a friend for homework on the telephone.

Older children may be reluctant to use role-play and artwork, but self-talk work can be very helpful for them. They are old enough to utilize the learned skills in their everyday lives. Hopefully, adolescents who have trusting relationships with their parents will be willing to discuss problem solving options that can be written down. Each step in reaching a social goal can be brainstormed and planned. For instance, an adolescent who is embarrassed to speak with people he doesn't know well may make a plan of activities and subjects to be discussed with various individuals. Together, you can then draw the ladder of steps towards the goal and have him close his eyes and imagine doing each step. This can help him visualize himself succeeding at the goal and also help him to reduce his anxiety as he accustoms himself to overcome his fears. In between each step he should practice deep breathing and imagine something he finds pleasurable.

Shyness is a problem that affects a large percentage of the population. With love, understanding, and a close parent-child relationship, children can be taught to overcome many of their anxieties. A shy child will rarely become an extreme extrovert, but he can learn to cope and use his talents to reach his full potential, which is often quite considerable.

 

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