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Reaching for Heights
by Rosally Saltsman
You, too, can deal with agorophobia, claustrophobia,
acrophobia.
I have had a fear of heights since I was a child. The height
isn't so much the issue as the openness of it - or is it? I
have no problem being in a plane, except that I get
claustrophobic, but a see-saw, high diving board, a fourth
floor porch, a bridge, tree, all result in symptoms of anxiety,
dizziness, sweaty palms, increased heart rate, fear and a
feeling of deep vulnerability.
My son doesn't share this fear, thank G-d. Petach Tivka based,
to us snow is a novelty, and a few years ago, we went to the
Hermon for the natural sights. We rode up the mountain on the
ski lift to enjoy the pristine view of the snow covered peaks
when, suddenly, the lift stopped midway. I started praying,
"Oh, please, Hashem, let it start again. Please, please,
please." My son, may he ascend to great heights in this world
and the next, was thrilled with the view and the bonus time in
animated suspension. He countered his mother's panic attack
with an instinctive, "No, Hashem, please let it stay just a
little more." After all, he was there to protect me. It
eventually did start again and we made it back to the bosom of
mother earth. Having my legs land again, I was mightily
relieved.
Now this episode is only an illustration of the fact that even
though heights make me nervous, to say the least, I still try
and transcend. I've picked fruits off the high branches of a
grapefruit tree on a kibbutz, walked down the Eiffel tower with
my mother who, like my son - I guess these things run in the
family - found my terror rather amusing. My mother, ob'm, was
afraid of nothing except Hashem.
And so, I believe it is with spiritual heights. Certain mitzvos
may be difficult for us to do but we do them, nonetheless. We
conquer our discomfort, reservations, antipathies and apathies,
and even our phobias in order to do Hashem's will, in the same
way that we conquer our fears in order to overcome physical
challenges or just have fun and recreation.
We say, "Umm, no thank you!" to the scruptious decadently
delicious looking piece of chocolate cake if the
hechsher is questionable. We don't wear the stunning
gown to our friend's wedding if the sleeves fall short of being
long enough; we don't take our kids to an entertainment whose
moral value we doubt. Not because we wouldn't like to do these
things but because we're not supposed to and, as difficult as
it may be sometimes, we face our yetzer hora head on and
overcome it.
There are some things I don't do. I don't go on roller coasters
and it isn't likely I'll be taking up hang-gliding, for more
reasons than one. Likewise, there are spiritual challenges I am
not yet ready to meet and there are times when my yetzer
hora gets me to cut corners in places where I should be
going the long way round.
But I'm still human, which is why I'm still here and not at
really celestial heights, and why I'm still climbing up that
ladder/mountain. I'm not perfect, though I sometimes argue the
contrary to make a specific point. I make mistakes and errors
in judgment. But I want to tell you, the last time I rode an
elevator past the tenth floor - and dared step out on a porch
that high - crossed a high bridge or looked miles down a
scenic panoramic view, I wasn't scared at all, which means I
may be ready for a greater height. Similarly, as I conquer each
spiritual height, I get ready to soar higher.
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