Children of all ages live and thrive on parental love and
attention. When children feel they are not getting the
attention they crave, they will often go to any extent to
get it. Children craving attention will seek negative
attention if they find it easier to get than positive
attention. Negative attention can be even more intense and
exciting for a child in need than positive attention. For
example, a child who comes on time for supper may get a
smile or compliment or no recognition at all, while a child
who purposely annoys the baby will mostly get yelled at or
scolded strongly and immediately.
Children respond to emotion and when they feel they are not
getting enough positive attention, they will often gravitate
to negative attention which is more intense and emotional.
All children need and crave attention but some children
crave more than others. A child who has a strong need for
attention is not necessarily a problem child; he is simply a
child who craves a lot of attention. Children also use
negative attention-getting behaviors as manipulation to get
their way. These behaviors can be very effective if the
parents give in to them regularly. A child who cries for a
sweet endlessly until she gets it, is using negative
attention to get her way.
Parents can help reduce negative attention-getting in
several ways. One of the most effective ways to eliminate it
is by increasing the positive attention given to the child
and accentuating it. Additionally, by taking note of their
children's emotional needs and family dynamics, parents may
discover the reasons why their children are seeking negative
attention. When a child is seeking a lot of negative
attention, it is important for a parent to take the time to
figure out why this may be happening. Is he feeling unhappy
in school because of social or learning problems? Is he
fighting a lot with his siblings? If so, why? Is it normal
sibling rivalry or is he feeling like he doesn't have a
proper place in the family? Is he feeling a strong lack of
parental attention? Parents may need to spend a lot of time
assessing the problem together and then discuss it with the
child. Many children have a hard time expressing what is
bothering them because they don't really know themselves.
Parents can help by offering their guesses and the child can
confirm them if they are right and occasionally help point
the parents in the right direction. If a cause for the
negative behaviors has been found, the child and the parents
can work together to find a solution to the problem. At the
same time, parents can learn to pay less attention to the
negative behaviors.
By creating an environment in which the child can succeed in
the home, he will be less likely to resort to negative
behaviors.
Creating an Envrionment for Success
Part of creating an environment for success is noticing your
child's positive behaviors and small achievements. The more
a child is attended to even for small achievements or
positive acts, the more successful he will feel. Parents
should also spend time evaluating whether the demands they
are placing upon their children's behavior are excessive.
Can the child easily meet the parent's expectations? Is he
being criticized more often than he is being praised? If the
child feels he cannot possibly satisfy his parents or other
significant adults in his life, he may become discouraged
and stop trying. The child may begin to see himself as
inadequate and therefore, resort to negative attention-
getting behaviors, thinking, "At least I can succeed at
being bad."
In a cycle of defeat and confrontation, parents sometimes
think, "He should at least be able to do what I am asking
from him. I won't let him get away with less." This type of
thinking takes parents away from success with their children
and brings them into the realm of confrontation and
negativity. Instead, it is more productive to think: "How
can I help give my child a success and a positive self image
right now?" A child who has just had a negative interaction
with a parent and has calmed down, can be given a task to do
which will earn him praise or the parent may choose to point
out something positive the child did during the day. This
can help get the child out of a negative mode and give him
hope for future success. This type of interaction can often
end a negative interaction or confrontation.
Parents can help children succeed at school by helping
create success for them. If a child is struggling with his
learning or is causing disturbances in class, it is
important to help him find an area of competence and to
create small successes for him. This is best done with the
cooperation of the teacher. The parent, the child and the
teacher may determine short term learning or behavioral
goals that the child can succeed at. Even if the goals are
below the standards of the class, the child can be
encouraged for his success. Success should be measured
according to the child and not according to others. Each
success builds confidence and the desire to succeed and
behave in more positive ways. The teacher can also look for
areas where the child is already talented and send home
notes to encourage the child in these areas. The teacher may
also be asked to give the child special tasks in the
classroom or school to build successful experiences for the
child.
[Next week: Dealing with different types of negative
attention-getting behaviors]
Masha Wolff is available for consultation and child play
therapy. Call evenings: 02-656-2172.
