Dei'ah veDibur - Information & Insight

A Window into the Chareidi World

19 Adar 5761 - March 14, 2001 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly








Produced and housed by
Shema Yisrael Torah Network
Shema Yisrael Torah Network

Opinion & Comment
Advice to Parents on Shidduchim

To the Editor:

Since your column has recently brought up the issue of shidduchim, I have decided to write you about my experience in that realm.

I belong to a Chassidic group and boruch Hashem have eight married children; this itself gave me a lot of experience.

This is what I do. Whenever one of my children reaches shidduch age, I look for a reputable shadchan, call him and ask to meet him. Usually the meeting takes place in the shadchan's home.

I come to the meeting with the candidate for shidduchim so that the shadchan will see about whom we are speaking, for "hearing is not like seeing." After ten minutes of conversation, I send my son or daughter home and remain with the shadchan.

I describe, as best as I can, the virtues and flaws of the candidate, trying to be realistic. If my son doesn't like to learn or isn't particularly talented, I tell that to the shadchan openly. In addition, I don't hide or try to obscure my financial abilities.

Of course, I add a bit of background about my family, and ask the shadchan how much I will have to pay for his services in finding a suitable match for my child. In the event that the price is the standard one among shadchonim and all those involved in these sacred work, I promise him even a bit more. I give him a $100 advance so that he will get to work.

In general, the shadchan doesn't disappoint me, and even if the first few offers are not successful, I continue to treat him with the respect he deserves for his efforts. This of itself gives the shadchan the strength and the incentive to continue to offer me decent matches.

Furthermore, when another shadchan offers me a shidduch, I go to "my" shadchan and ask him to check out the information. As we all know, the most accurate information of all regarding the shidduch itself, as well as the financial issue, is provided by shadchonim. Out of eight children that I have married off, six were married this way, and the other two found their marriage partners by means of the rabbonim in their yeshivos in which they studied.

The main thing is to treat the shadchan with respect, because a bad attitude towards him will boomerang. Shadchonim exchange bits of information, and one never knows why certain shidduchim that seemed suitable never got off the ground. It could be that the other side consults the very same shadchan you disparaged, and then he discourages the shidduch. Even if the shidduch offered by a particular shadchan doesn't materialize, he deserves payment for his work and for the telephone calls he made.

I have written all this for the benefit of many parents who are involved in looking for suitable shidduchim for their children, and thought my experiences might benefit them.


S. Halevi

Bnei Brak

Editor's Note: The above letter appeared in the Hebrew edition of Yated Ne'eman.

NOTE TO CONTRIBUTORS: For our protection and yours we cannot accept any material that is sent anonymously. This is a firm rule that we have, and there are no exceptions. If asked we will withold publication of the identity of the contributor. All material must include full identification of the contributor and should include a telephone number an email address if available.

All material on this site is copyrighted and its use is restricted.
Click here for conditions of use.