Part I
Sibling rivalry and conflict, read: fighting, is an ongoing
problem for parents. Some siblings seem to fight constantly
and over almost everything. Siblings fight for technical
reasons like living in close quarters; they fight over
material possessions and over physical, academic and
emotional superiority, and they fight because of jealousy or
resentment of the others' privileges and talents. Children
sometimes fight with siblings when they are troubled by
something altogether unrelated because they feel relief in
letting out frustrations that they wouldn't vent upon anyone
else but their siblings. Sometimes children simply fight and
incite each other for fun, attention or out of boredom.
Another reason children fight is for parental love and
attention. Each child, especially in a large family, wants to
feel that he is special to his parent. Parental attention is
seen by the child as an indicator of his importance to the
parent. When a child fights with his siblings, he will often
try to win the parent over to his side of the conflict. The
child wants the parent to take his side in the conflict by
confirming his rightness or victim status. Although parents
need to involve themselves in their children's conflicts to
teach them interpersonal skills and to prevent physical
danger, inappropriate involvement in sibling rivalry is a
potentially hazardous pitfall that can be avoided.
Parental involvement in sibling conflict usually takes one of
several forms and each form has different consequences to the
sibling relationship. The first scenario, although rare, is
one in which parents completely decline resistance in their
children's conflicts. The parents' role is one of non-
involvement. This results in the older or stronger child
winning most conflicts. The younger or weaker child who is
often the victim will feel that he is not being protected. He
will most likely feel that the older child or the aggressor
is the favored child while he, the younger child, does not
have an important place in the family and is not as cared for
as his sibling. This can result in great animosity among
siblings, general bitterness and resentment, and strong
feelings of insecurity.
Another role that parents commonly assume is that of judge or
referee. Children bring their squabbles to parents for
dispute and the parent acts as judge as to whom is right or
wrong. The parents make decisions much as a dictator would --
independently of the subjects, according to how he sees fit.
This type of interaction may cause the children to be in
constant competition for the parent's attention and favors.
Each will want the parent to take his side, thereby gaining
attention and the favored status. Children may find it more
worthwhile to be in conflict than to be at peace because
their fighting gains them the parental attention they so
desperately seek.
A third and more ideal role that parents can take in sibling
conflict is that of mediator. Parents do involve themselves
in their children's conflicts when necessary and when they
do, they take on the role of facilitator and objective
peacemaker. When parents act as mediator, they help children
solve their own problems and try to remain objective in the
conflict. The parents teach the children skills for conflict
resolution. As the parents decline judgment in the conflict,
children will find it more worthwhile to make peace. The
parent helps and greatly encourages the peace process,
granting both children greater attention for resolving their
conflict than for the conflict itself.
Parents sometimes find it difficult to know when to involve
themselves in their children's conflicts and when to remain
detatched. There are some basic rules that may help parents
make their decision. Parents have an obligation to educate
their children and to keep them safe. When children are
involved in normal bickering and there seems to be no danger,
parents can usually safely ignore the fighting. When
bickering becomes prolonged or heated, parents may need to
get involved to insure the safety of the children involved in
the conflict. This may include separating the children until
they have calmed down. Another time that parents may feel the
need to become involved in their children's fights is if an
argument occurs clearly in front of them, especially if there
is a wrong being done, such as abusive language or any kind
of physical violence. This is important because if a child
knows that the parent witnessed a wrongdoing against him and
did nothing to champion him, he may feel unprotected by the
parent. This could cause resentment and insecurity.
If children have become physically abusive and the parents
fear that there is a danger, or that the fight is becoming
too aggressive, they may decide to spearate the children.
Parents may decide to separate the children for a set amount
of time. The ideal time-out should be long enough to allow
the child to calm down and to deter him from repeating the
act but not long enough to be traumatic. Alternatively, a
parent may tell children they can be together when they feel
ready to play nicely with one another. A parent may also find
it necessary to stop abusive language among siblings.
Next part: Mediating Disputes
Masha Wolf, M.A., Child Therapist, provides play therapy
to children and educational guidance to parents. Call
evenings: 02-656-2172.
