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Let There Be Light
SHIDDUCHIM
by L.M.W.
The most seminal event in history was Creation, yesh
m'ayin, which followed the unimaginable emptiness of
tohu vovohu. We can still appreciate the ongoing
renewal of Creation in the world around us. A birth, a
sunset, and, yes, a shidduch.
Just as the miracles of creation are enveloped in deep
mystery, so, too, the process of shidduchim remains veiled
and protected. At times, the light at the end of the tunnel
is nearly invisible, the wait interminable. The anxious
single must sustain himself with trust and buoy himself with
confidence, waiting for the resounding "Let there be
light."
Occasionally, players in the shidduch scene become confused
about their role in the process. As loving parents, we want
the best for our children. We also feel that we know them and
recognize their needs better than anyone else. True. But we
are also more biased than just about anyone else. Have we
evaluated prospective shidduchim as "How will this play in
the street?" Is it up to our standard? Will our reputation be
tarnished by this one? Or future shidduchim for other
children harmed and compromised? If we are involved so
deeply, can we still backtrack? The bottom line: Are our
subjective desires distorting our judgment?
As a shadchanit, I admit that I haven't heard any bas
kol announcing tomorrow's Mazel Tovs, but I have heard my
share of static. Interfering thoughts that block objective
judgment which is so crucial for decision making. Pivotal
judgments must be made quickly in shidduchim at a time when
emotions are running strong and patience may be lacking. At
times, a shadchan tries to rush the process. At times a
parent pushes a child to decide. But as parents, we must ask
ourselves if we are looking for a son- or daughter-in-law to
suit our own taste and temperament, projecting our own
tastes, or interests, or are we looking for the most
eminently suitable spouse for our child? We cannot live our
child's life vicariously. As parents, we make mistakes.
Sometimes, they cannot be corrected. Like the mother who had
pointed out a superficial flaw in a girl whom her son had
been ready to propose to. Ten years later, she asked me if I
knew of any other shidduch "like that girl who was the nicest
girl he had ever met."
At times, a parent tries to correct mistakes which they made
by looking for "the perfect mate" for their child. Every
shidduch has an element of fantasy but this should remain the
domain of the child, not his parent. One disappointed parent
confided to me that she felt guilty about her child's
divorce. The ex-son-in-law had met all the criteria set by
herself and her husband. The dutiful daughter had stifled her
deep reservations in order to please her parents. No parent
wants `nachas' like that.
As parents, we must maintain our objectivity. At times, this
may entail referring our child to an objective advisor or
mentor. A lot depends on the nature and quality of the
relationship which has been fostered or neglected within the
family. If you have not cultivated a truly close relationship
with your child in his early years, shidduchim decisions may
be outside your realm. This may be a devastating discovery
for a parent. But running inteference with your child's life
plans without the necessary tools for decision making may
bring even more devastating results. A single who hesitates
to make decisions can be helped and boosted, but not thrown
overboard. At times, parents switch gears in the middle of
the road. They've raised independent thinking children and
now when they've reached the fork in the road, they'd like to
switch methods. The parent would like the child to step back
in time and become a YES man.
Matches are surely made in Heaven but we cannot shirk
responsibility by attributing everything to bashert.
On the other hand, we must know our limits and not overstep
our bounds. Prayer helps; it also eases the way.
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